DAILY NUZZO

Test Drive a Kia for Da Juiceman. Okay!

2009-10-21T15:06:00.004-04:00

I came across a tweet about a free Girl Talk concert this Sunday in NYC. When I found out that OJ Da Juiceman would also be performing, I got SUPER excited. I love Da Juiceman. Mainly because of his high pitched “aaay!” and “okay” shouts that can be found in every single one of his songs – play the track below in case you are not familiar. The noise he makes reminds me of a puppy. And I love puppies.

When I found out that I had to test-drive a Kia Soul in order to get into the free show, I was immediately disappointed. I don’t have time to go test drive a car that 1.) I have no interest in buying and 2.) have no money to buy. Kia probably underestimated the number of people who actually live in NYC and purchase/drive cars on this one. They are doing free events across the country, which can be found on the Kia Soul Collective Web site. So maybe some of my public-transportation-restricted readers can take advantage.

Make The Trap Say Aye - Oj Da Juiceman

There's an App for that

2009-08-27T14:39:00.002-04:00

So as most of you know, I have an f’n iphone. And I love it. Even though my baby is over 5 months old, the novelty has still not worn off – best exemplified when someone asks a random trivia question at dinner (“That makes me wonder, what IS the capital of Sri Lanka?”) and I just pull out my nifty little iPhone under the table when nobody is looking and immediately prove how intelligent and cultured I am.

That being said, I’m always on the prowl for a good app so when I saw “The Girlfriend Keeper” I immediately thought how beneficial this could be for men out there who just can’t seem to remember the color of their girlfriend’s eyes or the date they first met. It’s not that they are bad boyfriends, they just have bad memories! Right?

But as we know, there is a thin line between love and hate. Which sets the stage for the next application that will be inevitably downloaded when you can’t remember an anniversary or when you forget that your girlfriend’s eyes are aquamarine and NOT hazel: The Ex-Girlfriend StalkHer App.

Java

2009-08-17T15:08:00.002-04:00

I walked into my local deli on Friday afternoon to pick up a gallon of water. Normally I just use the Brita but it was a particularly hot day and I knew that Jason and I would be drinking a lot more H20 than normal this weekend.

So I walk into the deli, pick up the jug of Poland Spring and bring it to the counter. Another man was already near the register, and he was opening a bottle of Corona he had just purchased. “Well, it is a hot day and he probably just wants to cool off” I thought, as he begins to drink the sweating bottle of booze right there inside the store. But then he started yelling at the cashier about getting him “his cup” and the “one with the cover.”

Alright, a little road soda for a walk down the sidewalk never hurt anyone, right? So I wasn’t too alarmed as this was going on. The cashier comes over with a small coffee cup and hands it to the man. “NO, the BIG cup!” he responds. “The one they ALWAYS give me. MY cup!”

Interesting. This man seems to doggybag his acohohlic beverages on a fairly consistent basis if he has his “own” cup at the deli on Lexington and 25th street. Maybe he has a drinking problem – it’s a shame, but what are you gonna do?

So the cashier shuffles back to the coffee pot and fetches the large coffee cup and cover for the overbearing patron. The man mutters a quick “thanks guy” and then proceeds to pour the rest of his beer into the cup and then places the cover on for maximum sidewalk drinking capacity.

Except he wasn’t planning to drink this on the sidewalk. What I witnessed next was both deeply disturbing and eye-opening. The man turned to the door, took his cup of “coffee” outside, took his keys out, and proceeded to get into his cab. My mouth dropped open as he drove the yellow cab away.

I’m never riding in a cab where I see the driver with a coffee cup again.

The Most Delicious Awards Ceremony of the Year – The VENDYs

2009-07-28T19:00:00.003-04:00

Make sure to vote this week for your favorite NYC vendors in the 5^th annual Vendy Awards. You know, it’s tough…choosing between the Halal cart on 23^rd and 5^th or the Halal cart on 24^th and 6^th, but it is in our patriotic duty to do so.

But seriously, huge tossup this year between the Cupcake Stop (newcomer underdog) and Calexico Cart (an overwhelming fan favorite or shoe-in, if you will – now with their own sit-down joint in Red Hook). Who will you vote for?

Nominations close on Saturday August 1. You can vote for your favorite street meats or public alley pasties here.

Is this thing on?

2009-07-23T17:22:00.002-04:00

I signed up for a tumblr account. I don't know what the hell I'm doing yet but its http://dailynuzzo.tumblr.com if you wanna check it out.

This Makes Me Very Excited

2009-07-22T16:51:00.001-04:00

Poke Her Face

2009-07-21T11:02:00.003-04:00

Really good to finally see the video for Kid Cudi’s “Make Her Say” track. I’ve been listening to this for a few months now. I like the way it’s shot, but it’s a bit strange that Gaga did not make an appearance.

You can download a sick Cudi mixtape here for FREEZ: http://www.datpiff.com/DJ_E-V_Kid_Cudi_Dat_Kid_From_Cleveland.m42738.html

MCA is Ill

2009-07-20T18:21:00.001-04:00

No, really. Get better soon Yauch. And this one's for you.

Quit Your Swine-ing

2009-07-15T13:40:00.001-04:00

I've been gone for too long. I know. But after a quick bout of swine flu, I promise to make a full recovery and come back.

2009-06-25T11:37:00.001-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Frah-gil-ley?

2009-04-16T16:06:00.003-04:00

Would you rather have a leg…or $27.5 million?

I pondered the question as I read this Crain's New York article on an amputee being awarded $27.5 million in her case against NYC Transit Authority. According to the article, the woman's leg was amputated above the knee when she was "hit by the 40,000 pound bus as she crossed West 50th Street at 10th Avenue around 7 p.m. on Nov. 4, 2005."

The award was the "largest ever for a lost leg." Which leaves me wondering - How often does this happen?

So would you rather have 1.5 legs? Or enough money to buy you 200 human legs (as well as a few dozen kidneys) from some peddler on Canal street?

Hmm...

Birthday Wish #1

2009-04-01T16:45:00.003-04:00

Today is April 1. And similar to the 12 Days of Christmas, I believe there should be the 12 Days of Danielle, where I receive presents everyday leading up to the miraculous anniversary of my birth.

Today's gift request is a simple one: squeezable bacon. Because you just never know when you might get a cravin for the bacon. Keep one in your office, your glovebox or at home. Use it as toothpaste! Or shaving cream. It really is the gift that keeps on giving.

Squeez Bacon for only $7.99!

Guido Seeking Bromance, Roomate in Hoboken

2009-03-31T17:35:00.007-04:00

I happen to be looking around for a new apartment, since my ridiculously ambitious roommate is abandoning me to get her MBA at Univ. of Michigan. While perusing Craigslist, I came across this very enticing ad from a nice gentleman seeking a roommate/wingman in Hoboken, NJ:

We are looking for a fellow cocksman who can keep up with us, or someone cool who could use our help and experience to step up their game. Our place has a new guido style bathroom, Italian tile shower and lots of mirrors(very nice).

To top it off, you can enjoy weekends "down the shore" on their "party boat that fits 13 people and is equipt (sic) with a stripper pole."

Which only leaves me wondering, what can one purchase for a housewarming present? They already have the stripper pole. And lots of mirrors. Did I mention that this place is only $775 a month? They are holding "tryouts" this week. I'll be sure to bring my tanning oil.

Craigslist Ad

Related video (rated 5 stars by the daily nuzzo)

Very Good Blog

2009-03-27T11:12:00.008-04:00

Normally, the Daily Nuzzo doesn’t give shout outs to any of our “competitors”, but it is with much thought and admiration that we alert the general public to another phenomenal blog: The Million Dollar Arm

The Pittsburgh Pirates (who?) recently produced a reality TV show in India in order to find athletes who could throw strikes at 85 miles per hour or faster. Apparently the U.S. is lacking such athletes. According to the AP, Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel signed professional baseball contracts with the Pirates for the 2009 season after winning the competition. The two 20-year-old pitchers never picked up a baseball prior to the competition and are believed to be the first athletes from India to sign professional baseball contracts outside their country.

Rinku and Dinesh are not only the best Indian baseball players, but they also may be the world’s best bloggers. Their frequent updates on “Pirate City” (Pittsburgh) provide an outsider’s perspective on American culture and life as a professional athlete. A recent post, “Very Bad Thing Happen To Us,” described their dealings with a Topps sports cards rep:

Yesterday locker room man coming to us from company Topps. He saying we sign contract. We telling him we not reading this english. we say he have talking JB sir. He saying he talking JB sir and JB sir say OK signing. So we signing this thing and he give me and Dinesh $5.00. Then we finding out JB sir not knowing this. Man from company lying to us. We never making same mistake like this again. We giving JB sir the heart pains and we very sorry.

The Million Dollar Arm is truly an inspiration to the Daily Nuzzo. When you think about it, we’re really one in the same as I also encounter similar situations to Rinku and Dinesh: “Fans sending us photo and things Pirate City. Fans asking we signing things. We getting more emails we answering. We trying and writing all we can writing each day.”

So please, keep the Daily Nuzzo fan mail coming. We very appreciate.

Best. Invention. Ever

2009-03-25T15:47:00.003-04:00

I wonder if they make this application for rotary phones too!

Bad Decision Blocker

The Musings of an Ex-AIG Executive

2009-03-25T14:13:00.001-04:00

I find this letter of resignation from a top AIG executive both informative and humanizing. It’s refreshing to see a point of view other than the angry mob of lynchers who are taking out all of their economical frustrations on the largest scapegoat of them all – AIG. While the ‘bonuses’ that these executives received were ridiculously out of line with acceptable wages, I agree with the fact that these employees worked 14 hour days, all year long, and were contractually obligated to receive these ‘bonuses.’ Call me a capitalist, but I don’t necessarily think it was wrong for AIG to issue additional compensation to their *current* employees, who were entitled to this level of salary when they agreed to the position.

Furthermore, Obama is calling for the head of Edward Liddy, while he received $104,332 from AIG last year for his presidential campaign. According to the Center for Responsive Politics, AIG gave a total of $644,218 to federal candidates over the last election cycle. Perhaps this money should be returned to the taxpayers as well.

The fact that AIG wanted to fulfill their obligations to their employees by paying them their contracted salary is not something that is shameful or abominable. There are much worse and evil corporations than AIG out there – believe me, I work in PR.

Get yer Popcorn! Hot Dogs! Sheep’s Ricotta Gnudi with Brown Butter & Sage!

2009-03-25T11:54:00.003-04:00

So I’ve been getting a lot of flack lately from my so-called “friends” about ticket prices in the new Yankee Stadium. Well, they’re kinda expensive. A seat near the field will run you over $2,000. And a seat in the non-alcoholic bleacher section is $14. Big deal. This is NY. And the Yankees are not receiving any TARP funds (yet) so they can pretty much charge whatever they want.

I don’t think $2,000 for a seat is that unreasonable. Especially since it includes UNLIMITED food from some of the world’s top chefs. According to the NY Times:

“The food will be prepared at open cooking stations run, from time to time, by Masaharu Morimoto of “Iron Chef” fame, April Bloomfield of the Spotted Pig, chefs from Le Cirque and cooks from Elaine’s… Those seated in the Delta 360 Club will have access to a dining room where chefs from the Food Network will occasionally cook at two open kitchens.”

So you’ll find me at plenty of Yankee games this summer. Except I’ll be sitting in the grandstand, chowing down on a Nathan’s hot dog and drinking warm whiskey from my flask. But I COULD have a gourmet meal in the Bronx if I wanted to…

Monday Night ROAR

2009-03-24T17:09:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, I have to do things that I really don’t like to do. Shocking, I know. Like taking out the garbage or showing up for work. Or watching WWE “Monday Night Raw” with my boyfriend. I usually watch out of complete exhaustion, as I’m too lazy to fight his overwhelming determination to watch sweaty, disgusting men in bikini briefs grapple each other.

However, it’s not all bad. You see, there is this man named Randy Orton – who is quite possibly, the scariest/sexiest man alive. His baby blue stare is as cold as ice and his six pack abs are even frostier. So now I just “pretend” to not like WWE, when really, I wait all week to watch it. I even made this picture of Randy as my wallpaper on my computer. I love spending time with my boyfriend(s)!!!

Lil Wayne: Rap Star. Rock Star. Rip Off Extraordinare.

2009-03-23T16:52:00.002-04:00

A new single from Weezy’s “rock” album dropped and I’m not exactly sure how to communicate my feelings. “Hot Revolver” is pretty much a mashup of every other song on the planet. But he takes it too far by blatantly stealing from No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom album.

I’m still not sure whether I love this or hate this. It takes me about 3-4 weeks with Lil Wayne. I’ll let you know once I have some time to sleep on it.

hot revolver - lil wayne

No Hill Country for Young Women

2009-03-20T17:54:00.001-04:00

My friend Olivia and I wanted to grab some hearty, American BBQ last night before the start of March Madness so we checked out this place near Madison Square Park called Hill Country. It should have been called “Cut a slab of mediocre beef yourself and pay as if you’re dining in a five-star gourmet restaurant Country.” I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I walked in.

We were greeted by a white man in a tight button-down shirt tucked into his Lees with cowboy boots on. That should have been our first inclination to immediately exit and never return. However, I had a $25 gift certificate from Restaurant.com that I wanted to use so we took the plunge. He told us that he was “all sold out” on reservations for that night. We looked around at the hundreds of empty wooden tables and looked back at him. I felt like he was speaking a foreign language to me. He somehow managed to “squeeze us in” and seated us at a rustic pine table and chairs set.

A waitress came over immediately and took our drink orders ($5 margaritas were among the only highlights of the night). She then handed us two brown menu cards and walked away. In front of us were several “deli counters” guarded by a sea of overweight men holding large knives and assorted cutlery. The waitress came back and explained that we actually need to go up to the counter, order our meat and the men would cut and weigh it for us. They then slap a price sticker on our menu cards. We then would walk over to the “sides” cart and the same process would ensue.

I’ve never been to Texas nor down “south” with the exception of Florida, which for some reason, is not considered part of the south. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure that the fat cat oil tycoons in Texas do not have to go up and serve themselves when they go out to a BBQ restaurant. I was both shocked and disgusted with this process. All I wanted to do was have a leisurely dinner with my best friend and have other people wait on me hand and foot. Is that too much to ask when dining out? What happened to southern hospitality?

I’ll skip all the gory details of our attempt to eat the said slabs of meat but to sum things up, it was not pretty. Mind you that we had to share our “napkins” (roll of paper towels) with the two gentlemen seated next to us. Along with the bbq sauce, hot sauce, pepper, etc. The night wasn’t a complete wash though, as we did enjoy some nice red velvet cupcakes. Six margaritas later, another white man in cowboy boots and an unfortunate button-down shirt walked over to our table and checked our “time card.” He then informed us that our table had “expired” and asked us to leave.

So if you would rather be treated like cattle than actually eat cattle, go to Hill Country. You and all the other out-of-town business men will thoroughly enjoy it.

Worst. BBQ. Ever.

Sallie, You Are A Stone-Cold Bitch.

2009-03-19T16:48:00.003-04:00

The Wall Street Journal ran a lengthy article today about Sallie Mae’s new direction for their private student loan offerings – making kids pay the interest on their loans while they are still in school. Honestly, I think this is a great idea, as it will cut the total amount of the loan by as much as 40 percent when they graduate from college. On the other hand, it might be pretty tough for a student to raise an additional $400 each month on top their beer/pot funds.

As someone who is DEEPLY in “knowledge” of the Sallie Mae student loan system, I both applaud and condemn this new policy. I think their positioning of “trying to help students in the long run” is a veil for the real reason behind the change. Within 2 years, Sallie Mae will not exist (fingers crossed) since nobody can afford to pay back their loans. This is just one last attempt to get as much money from these suckers as they can before Obama sweeps in and gobbles them up. And when that happens, I’ll be much happier sending my check to the gov’t than to this bitch Sallie each month, that’s for sure.

Sallie Says Students Should Suffer While Still In College (As Well as After): http://www.reuters.com/article/marketsNews/idUSBNG43818220090319

Shaked and Baked

2009-03-19T13:11:00.003-04:00

And in case anyone is wondering how the Knicks game went last night, I believe the NY Post summed it up perfectly:

"The Knicks played uglier than their green St. Patrick's Day uniforms. They were a day late with the green jerseys and 26 points short in last night's despicable 115-89 blowout loss to the Nets in a pivotal Garden showdown."

"This stands as their worst Garden performance, arguably more disgusting than the Minnesota loss after Christmas."

Vince Carter, please stop being so good. And Nate Robinson, please realize that you are 4’4 and cannot do it all on your own. It was pretty sick to see them play in the Krypto-Nate jerseys though!

Me Likey.

2009-03-19T11:10:00.001-04:00

I don’t know why, but I’m moderately obsessed with this greek yogurt. I can only eat this particular kind – 2%, cherry – but I would eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner if I didn’t enjoy other foods, particularly hot dogs and watermelon, so much.

I buy a yogurt from the newsstand in my lobby each morning. It costs $2.50 but I’d be willing to pay $5.00 for it. The man who runs the shop must think I’m insane and is most likely muttering “why doesn’t this girl just buy 5 yogurts now so she’ll be set for the rest of the goddamn week!” under his breath in his native language. I just hand him the cash and thank him for the plastic spoon he provides. It is a good day.

Seriously?

2009-03-19T10:22:00.004-04:00

Apparently Martha Stewart (the ex-con) likes to traverse the country in her private jet. In an time when everyone and everything is downsizing, Ms. Stewart likes to play up the fact that yes, she is a better homemaker than you and yes, her dogs are cleaner/cuter than yours.

So she launched a blog to document the entitled life of her pooches - called The Daily Wag. It's written from the first-person perspective of her dogs, Sharkey and Francesca. I'm sure Genghis Khan would have also blogged, but we all know how that went down.

One of her recent blog entries details the pups' trip to St. Louis. Aw, how cute! Their first time in a private jet! Do you remember how excited you were for YOUR first trip in the private jet? And how each time you think about it you get all warm and fuzzy inside?

I'm glad that we can all relate to Martha and her dogs. And apparently we all do, judging by the comments on her blog from her canine fans across the world. I'm sure these comments are not filtered or anything....

JEWISH "K"NIGHT AT THE KNICKS

2009-03-18T13:26:00.003-04:00

Tonight is an important game for the Knicks. Not only because they need to defeat the Nets in order to have ANY shot of the playoffs. Not because it is a Wednesday and Wednesday is the new "Hoop Day." No, my friends. Tonight is important for an entirely different reason...JEWISH HERITAGE NIGHT AT THE GARDEN!

My friends and I secured the highly coveted tickets to tonight's game weeks ago. And according to the Jerusalem Post, "few tickets" are still available for tonight's game, which will feature kosher food and more importantly, a limited-edition tee shirt emblazoned with the team's name in Hebrew.

I'm going to wear this tee shirt every day. Well...most days. Sometimes I'll have to do laundry.

And can anyone explain why David Lee is featured on the poster for Jewish night? I guess since he's white?

I'll report back to the Daily Nuzzo on my findings and provide a summary of my experience at this truly spiritual event.

BARACKTOLOGY

2009-03-18T13:14:00.002-04:00

I just like using the word "barack" as much as possible. But seriously, check out the Prez's picks for March Madness. UNC as the national champion? Come on now. Stick with what you know Obama...and it's sure not orchestrating a successful bailout of AIG!

Prez Picks BIGGEST LOSER for NCAA Basketball Champion: http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/entry?entryID=2813746

MY bracket: http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/entry?entryID=2882026

How Religion is Going to Ruin My 25th Birthday

2009-02-27T15:30:00.002-05:00

My quarter-century celebration is on Easter Sunday this year. At first, I was kind of excited. “Oh, how cute, my birthday is the same day that the Easter Bunny comes and delivers baskets full of candy and eggs filled with money for all the kiddies across the world.” And there was always the prospect of the famed bunny cake – a cake in the shape of a bunny head, which my mom ONLY makes when my birthday coincides with Easter.

But now….I’m PISSED. I just learned that not only is Easter distracting from the real holiday (my birthday) but it is also Passover that weekend too! So now I’m competing with not one, but TWO holidays for the much-deserved attention I need on the first day of the rest of my life.

Screw you, Christianity. And you too, Judaism! I hate you BOTH!

Daily Haiku

2009-01-06T15:19:00.002-05:00

work is boring

more today than yesterday
but worse tomorrow

Eating Cake, Running Laps, Taking Names.

2008-10-29T13:29:00.005-04:00

So my friend Michelle is one of those super-successful, over-achieving, gorgeous, intelligent, funny, perfect girl-next-door types that enjoys tutoring illiterate children and knitting scarves for the homeless in her spare time. She also likes to run 20 miles at 5:00 in the morning before she goes to work for 14 hours as a rising accountant at a major firm.

Naturally, she's running the NYC Marathon this Sunday for charity - Team Continuum, a non-profit that is dedicated to taking immediate care of anyone involved in fighting cancer. As I'm sure that the majority of people out there have had a family member or friend who's been affected by cancer, this is truly a noble cause.

This is why I'm asking you to donate to Michelle's charity run. Instead of dropping $12 on an appletini or $15 on a gourmet cheeseburger this Thursday night, give it to Michelle, who is far more responsible (both fiscally and physically) than you or I!

You can donate directly to her Web site: http://www.teamcontinuum.net/athlete_page.asp?eid=22&uid=82871.

While we all can't eat cake, drink Stoli and run 26.2 like Michelle, we can at least help her along the way. Go L!

An Open Letter to T.I.

2008-10-24T15:48:00.005-04:00

Dear T.I.,

I love your new hit single, “whatever you like.” However, I don’t think I’d really like stacks on deck nor would I enjoy patron no ice (although I do like to pop bottles all night). Since you’ve opened up the stage for suggestions, here’s a list of things that I’d like you to provide:

Unlimited car service – No longer will I have to trudge onto the subway everyday to get back and forth to work with all the plebes. Public transportation does not bide well for a woman with an overactive sweat gland or slightly wavy hair. Not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything.
Lifetime supply of Pocky – this Japanese treat is utterly delicious and comes in a gazillion flavors. I’d like a new flavor each week, to be delivered by a different Jiu Jitsu fighter.
Daylight Savings all year round – I want that extra hour of sleep all year, not just in the dead of winter. Make it happen King.
Abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn – for last-minute DJ/Robot parties and for my seamonkey-importing business.
Reuben’s Empenadas chef on call – so I can have the spicy chicken empanada whenever I like
The 1998 Yankees team back together – make it work
An iPhone – seriously, who doesn’t want one?

Thank you in advance for fulfilling these requests.

xoxo,

Daily Nuzzo

Whatever You Like - T.I.

Jersey

2008-10-24T15:19:00.003-04:00

I'm really looking forward to going to NEW JERSEY tonight for a pre-Halloween costume party. I'm even more excited to go to the Jerz after seeing this illustration of my friend Olivia on her lunch break today.
Please note the red bull and sambas along with the gray grandma cardigan - spot on. This illustration looks more like it was created with a digital Nikkon camera than Microsoft Paint.

Anywho, I hope my robot costume will help protect me tonight from the bears that apparently run rampant in the smelly next-door-neighbor state to New York.

Dailynuzzo Seeks White or Black Single Audience

2008-09-18T14:21:00.006-04:00

As you may or may not know, the entire U.S. economy is collapsing before our very eyes. With each new day comes a new sob story for another major U.S. financial institution. That being said, I've been very busy at my real job (riding unicorns and painting rainbows in the sky).

So, just wanted to add a quick post to satisfy my readers' hunger for the daily dose of dailynuzzo.

I saw this interesting ad on craigslist (don't ask why I was perusing the personal ads) and think it might be the most pathetic yet ingenious way to get back at a sibling.

Here are some highlights:

"Hi, I am looking for someone who wants to be my absolutely terrible girlfriend. Why? To help make my sister realize that it really sucks when your sibling dates someone awful...like her current boyfriend...I need someone who is going to be truly awful, not just on the outside, but inside as well. Candidates should be painful to be around, obnoxious, thoughtless and immature. She should use terms like, "tragic," "as if" and various internet terms like "omg," "lol," "jk," etc."

And what do I get in return?

"In return for your "companionship," you can expect quality dinners, drinks, music and other forms of entertainment. Should our relationship linger (as my sister's relationship lingers), there is potential for jewelry, trips and other more lavish gifts. Since I am committed to this project, I am prepared to match my sister's relationship status tit-for-tat, up to and including engagement and marriage. If you do manage to break them up, we can happily end our relationship (you keep all merchandise, of course) and you will be my best friend for life."

Wow, this sounds like a win-win. It's just a shame I'm not qualified to act as the annoying girlfriend type. I'm really, really bad at acting.

Call Me...The Mojito Man

2008-08-27T13:00:00.004-04:00

Developments of Note

You encounter lots of different characters in Central Park on a Sunday afternoon: tourists, families, college students, joggers, rollerbladers, bums, rats, etc. But on a recent outing to throw the Frisbee around, I took note of a separate breed of park dwellers: the alcohol pushers. These peddlers walk around and sell bottles of water, soda, cans of miller light and other quality beers to people like me, who do not plan ahead and supply their own beverage to relinquish their thirst. These field peddlers are a normal component of the park society, as they often supply my company softball team with cans of coors light before the game to help us get pumped up, as well as after the game to help us drown our sorrows.

But I noticed something different on Sunday. A man carrying around a blender (with no cord) offering to make mojitos, daquiris and other tasty blended beverages. A more perfect idea simply does not exist. This man is set out to make millions, as he apparently is the only person in all of Central Park that is equipped to take on such a task. I asked him about his business strategy and he informed me that he’s been written about everywhere, which apparently only consists of Time Out NY and the New Yorker. I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. This guy? In the New Yorker? Come on, they don’t profile desolate street bums in the New Yorker, one of the most well-respected literary publications of modern day times.

Well…apparently they do. The Mojito Man’s real name is Junius. He carries a cordless Black & Decker blender with him. And the New Yorker claims “one of the most enterprising men ever to vend without a license in the Park.” And apparently his genius idea is paying off, as Junius cleans up at about nine hundred dollars each week and plans to vacation in Hawaii during the off-season to run the Honolulu Marathon.

My favorite part of the article is when Junius describes how this stroke of genius came to him via divine intervention:

“I walked into an Odd Job store on Fourteenth Street, and there was a shelf full of Black & Decker cordless blenders. I hadn’t even known such a thing existed. I said to myself, ‘That’s divine intervention!’ I bought three. Spent everything I had in my pocket. The next day, I went back, and the blenders were all gone. I haven’t come across one since. Divine intervention!”

I will never judge a man carrying around a cordless blender, and smelling like the East River, ever again.

Developments of Note

Hobo is the New Highbrow

2008-08-25T13:40:00.005-04:00

I attended a “highbrow BBQ” sponsored by New York Magazine this past weekend and wanted to share my utter disgust with you, attentive reader. A $25 ticket allowed you to attend the event, with promises of a “full set” from indie band Islands; free beer from Sugar Hill Brewery from 1-5 and a gourmet BBQ “meal” from Top Chef contestant CJ Jacobson. Not one of these three promises were met.

Let’s start with the beer: it ran out. After about an hour. I guess they didn’t realize how thirsty we’d all be in the 80 degree weather on an asphalt parking lot along the FDR Drive (which, by the way, they dubbed as New York City’s first solar-powered “Green Energy, Arts, and Education Center”).

Left to our own resources, my friend and I were forced to find other sources of refreshment. A half-full bottle of Patron did the trick, mixed with some warm Vitamin Water. Kinda tasted like a Mexican pospsicle. But less delicious.

Next – the food. While I ate my entire plate along with the scraps from my friend, I was really eating out of contempt. The highbrow BBQ consisted of a poorly-filled pork taco, a piece of corn, some watermelon/tomato salad (albeit delicious) and a small peach cobber. I could have ate about 5 of these dishes and still would have been hungry. It didn’t help to see Chef CJ smoking and drinking in the back near the food. I guess you need to numb the pain with something.

Lastly – the band. I’ve only heard a few songs from Islands and they actually sounded incredible live, despite the poor sound system (most likely due to the fact that it was solar-powered – rock & roll is not ready to go green, I’m sorry). When the lead singer shadowed Ray Charles by putting on a pair of sunglasses that were completely white with paint, I should have known things were taking a turn for the worse. But it wasn’t until he stormed off the stage in the middle of a song, leaving his bandmates in a state of bewilderment and embarrassment that I knew the shit hit the fan. If that wasn’t bad enough, his bandmates had to convince the crowd, or what was left of it, to clap and yell to encourage their narcissistic band leader to come back out on stage to finish the set. White boy came back out, didn’t say a word about what just happened, finished the song, and left. It. Was. Awkward.

All in all, I had fun since the weather was gorgeous and it ended with me and my friend getting a real meal followed by loitering on a bench eating ice cream cones. I also learned some valuable lessons:

1. Don’t expect much from $25 in NYC

2. Tequila can be mixed with anything, as long as you close your eyes and think happy thoughts while drinking it

3. People who wear sunglasses (on purpose) that look like as if they were in a battle with a bottle of white-out are emotionally unstable

Puppy Custody

2008-08-21T13:32:00.002-04:00

This is a video of my friend Muller’s puppy. Okay, it’s not really his puppy, but it resides at his house sometimes. Well, only on the weekends. Actually, only on the weekends every other month. Okay, he hired a really cheap lawyer and now he’s going through a terrible custody battle with the puppy’s mother. Leave him alone alright, it’s hard enough that he only gets to see the dog every waning crescent moon.

Lunchtime Exercise

2008-08-21T13:25:00.001-04:00

So I brought my running sneakers into work today and was going to go for a quick run along the West Side Highway during my lunch break. (The dailynuzzo captors are now allowing me a one-hour lunch break to comply with Guantanamo standards.) But when I reached into my gym bag, I realized that I brought the wrong pair of shoes.

“Dammit! I brought my BURGER Shoes again. Oh well. I’ll just have to find some ketchup.”

If you’re in the mood for some lunchtime exercise, you can get your pair of Nike Air Max 90 Burger shoes too, designed by some fancy Swedish dude when Nike asked him to create a “Nike sportswear icon.” Because, you know, it’s easy for a Swede to say that American sports and fastfood go hand-in-hand. Those Swedes are always spot-on.

Daily Nuzzo Update – The “As If You Really Care” Edition

2008-08-20T13:10:00.002-04:00

There are lots of reasons why I have not updated the blog during the past month. It’s funny, since they are all the same reasons why I started the blog in the first place: bouts of public drunkenness followed by an inevitable sense of shame, rocky relationships with friends and significant others, run-ins with the law, trouble with people/organizations that I’m in debt to, a disappointing baseball season and an overall aversion to being social.

I know I have let the tens of my fans down this past month by not regularly contributing to the blog but I promise you this: it will probably happen again. This kind of reminds me of a sign that I saw in my local Washington Mutual branch the other day, listing the only three things you can depend on in life: taxes, inflation and death.

Things are looking up, up, up!

Man Likes Beverage; Dislikes Lies That Come With It

2008-08-20T12:41:00.003-04:00

My friend Olivia works at a well-known and highly-regarded market research firm. Thus, she, along with most of her colleagues, spend the majority of their days interpretating qualitative data, crunching numbers and writing angry letters to the Snapple Beverage Company. Below, I’ve copied an actual email that was sent by Anthony to Snapple:

I must first start by stating that I love your diet lime green tea and diet lemonade iced teas. The only problem I have is that on your diet lemonade iced tea packaging you are attempting to say that “Kris” a “mixologist” at your company created this flavor one day by accident, when clearly this is an existing drink and idea created by Arnold Palmer (also known as a Half and Half). There are other brands that are also selling the same product, and I understand that you cannot actually call your drink an Arnold Palmer (Arizona already does this), but to make up a completely fabricated "cute" story about how the drink was invented is a lie. And though perhaps “Kris” was unaware of what a half and half or Arnold Palmer was and that is already existed, I imagine that as a juice, tea, and drink company you would know of all the varied combinations and drinks available. I guess that it is fitting that a drink that can be characterized as being the perfect mix of sweet (the iced tea) and sour (the lemonade) illicit the same emotions from me as I drink it; I am happy that I have a great tasting diet beverage in my hand, but angered that I have to read propaganda and lies on the side of the bottle.

I have never seen such passion for the written word as I do in this impeccably detailed note. I applaud your efforts Anthony, and perhaps Snapple will respond to you now that your message is going to spread all over the internet, like a beautiful California wildfire. Never deny the pull that the dailynuzzo has on the social media universe.

Baby Tanning...Jihad Planning. We're Going Back to Filly.

2008-08-01T15:39:00.003-04:00

“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” is by far the greatest television show ever to grace…the FX network. My friends, September 18 cannot come soon enough.

Bike Cops Don't Like Wine, Bras.

2008-07-11T11:30:00.008-04:00

Drinking is fun. Being outside near a body of water is also fun. Drinking while being outside near the water is double fun. And apparently, it is also illegal.

As one of my only means of temporary escape from the brutal, brutal work environment of dailynuzzo.com, alcohol is a vital component of my daily life. Whether it’s served in a tall glass of Vodka on the rocks or in a tallboy can of PBR, I enjoy it anyway I can drink it. However, sometimes I feel bad about being trapped in a dark, smelly bar when the sun is blinding babies and giving senior citizens cancer outside.

Yesterday might have been the most beautiful day thus far in NYC, so I decided to enjoy it with a bottle of wine in a park along the West Side Highway. Much to my dismay, just as my companion and I opened the bottle and poured the first Dixie cups, a man with a green shirt on a bike approached us, asking for the bottle. It took me a minute to realize he was a law enforcement officer, as he more closely resembled a summer camp counselor.

He informed us that we could thank the couple next to us, who were visibly having sex on their towel, since he rode his Huffy over to write them up and noticed that we were about to enjoy a nice cold glass of GooseWatch. Being of age (with a few years to spare), I was upset at the fact that I could not enjoy a glass of wine outside in the park on a beautiful summer afternoon. When I told him that I did not realize I couldn’t drink outside, he said I should be ashamed of myself since I’m from NY and there is not one place in New York state where it’s legal to drink in a park. That’s odd, since I can count dozens of times where I’ve drank in the park, including my company softball match last week when a man on a bike sold us bottles of coors light for $1.50 each. I’m just trying to support the local economy here, people.

The “officer” proceeded to write me up, making sure he added in condescending comments as he went along, e.g. “Here is your license AND your summons, Ms. NEWWWZO. Now I’m just going to dump the rest of this wine out here right in front of you and your friend. You can try fighting this in court but even if you win, you’ll have to pay the court fees.”

Well, Park Patrolman Lieber, I will fight this in court as there was no signage that informed me that alcohol was not permitted, and no, I don’t have enough common sense to know that on my own. I’m also going to counter you in court on sexual harassment charges, as you graciously let me know that I could take off my top (AND bra!) in the park and I would not be written up for it.

The court date is on August 15. Wish me luck and feel free to send legal advice and or donations/bail money. I foresee a tiny holding cell and large roommate named Shawna in my future.

Lil Wayne: Musical Genius, Political Revolutionary

2008-07-10T16:38:00.003-04:00

As you all know, daily nuzzo supports only the finer things in life, such as French artisinal restaurants, nights at the opera, Moet, and now, Lil’ Wayne. Saying that Weezy is a musical genius and should be considered the Beethoven of our time is an understatement. His lyrics and carefully-orchestrated beats can be compared to the sound of a butterfly’s wings fluttering in the breeze on a warm summer night. And he has tattoos…on his face.

That is why I’m hesitant to say that a cover of Lil Wayne’s “A Milli” track is even better than the original. Well, it is. I don’t know who A.P.T. is, but they have my ill-na-na level of approval. And yes, daily nuzzo officially endorses Obama for President.

20,000 Fake Mustaches = 20,000 Incredibly Sexy Fans

2008-07-09T13:49:00.003-04:00

Jason Giambi has weaned himself off steroids (supposedly) and has grown himself a pretty sick stache. Now a contender in the All Star Game “Final Vote,” where he can earn himself the last available slot on the All Star Team roster, the Yankees organization is pulling out all the tricks to encourage fans to vote. The best albeit most obvious ploy: fake mustaches.

Yankee Stadium will be handing out 20,000 fake mustaches at the game tonight vs. the first-place Devil Rays. This is all part of the “Support the Stache” promotion orchestrated by the Yankees. Ironically, it’s also part of the “I have nothing left to live for, yet alone shave my face in the morning” mission statement of the official Yankees fan club.

Either way, Giambi has my All Star endorsement, along with these kind words from the American Mustache Institute: “Giambi’s significant first-half production as well as his powerful lip fur — indicating great intellect and good looks — make two very compelling reasons for his place on the American League All-Star roster.”

Note - If the phrase “powerful lip fur” is not the coolest thing you’ve ever read, well, then I can only assume that you have no soul, poor reader.

Jason Giambi’s Mustache Ride – New York Magazine

Daily Nuzzo: Now with More Grammar!

2008-06-26T13:51:00.002-04:00

Good news readers! The Associated Press Stylebook, aka the journalism student/high school dropout’s Bible, will be updated to include online and social media components. Right now, when I flip through my AP book, which was purchased my freshman year in college (82 B.C.), there is no entry for blog, podcast or dailynuzzo. Now, all of these items will be included and thoroughly scrutinized by the AP!

You can all rejoice in the fact that you will no longer have to silently hold back your rage at my atrocious run-on sentences and dangling modifiers. Once someone pays for and sends me this book, you’ll be seeing Newsday-worthy writing in no time!

AP Stylebook No Longer "Mentally Retarded" – Gawker.com

Island Time

2008-06-25T14:57:00.002-04:00

A thought popped into my mind the other day regarding the age-old question of “if you could pick someone to be stranded on a desert island with, who would it be?”

Since I don’t have any real desire to drag along a potentially annoying/cannibalistic friend to ruin my happy time in the tropics, my answer used to be an iPhone. Used to be…until I saw this!

Now I need to think about who else I could bring, since I’m nearly certain that the inevitable yet bizarre blending accident in Aitutaki would claim the life of my only friend. Perhaps Wilson would be a better choice.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do More Muslim

2008-06-25T14:32:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, on extremely rare occasions, I come across a blog that is almost as entertaining as dailynuzzo.com. Again, this is very rare. Like Haley’s Comet rare. Anywho, my friend (knowing my penchant for theology) sent me a link to this blog that lists all of the things that are “more Muslim” than Barack Obama.

This cat is obviously more Muslim than Obama according to the following indications of Muslimness:

-traditional Muslim garb, including head scarf
-facial hair, aka whiskers
-belt made out of dynamite

Apparently, I would also be considered more Muslim than Obama due to my undying love of Middle Eastern delicacies, particularly falafel, hummus and ingesting hookah smoke. Hookah counts as a delicacy, right?

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What to Do…This Weekend

2008-06-20T12:35:00.003-04:00

Friday

Check out Gogol Bordello at McCarren Park Pool. 3 out of 4 Ukranians agree: best live band in all of NYC metropolitan area. Tickets are only 35 rubles.

Continue your immigrant gyspy dancing at Mehanata Dance Bar, where Gogol Bordello frontman Eugene Hütz is sure to make an appearance as a guest DJ. A knowledge of some Eastern European dialect and a fondness for Zywiec is required for entry.

Saturday
There are over 850 free concerts in the NYC area to celebrate the official first day of summer. Make Music New York is sponsoring the all-day event, including an all day punk fest on Governor’s Island, which they have pathetically renamed Punk Island. Free ferry ride included and the views of Manhattan are pretty sick.

The freaks come out…during the day. It’s the annual Mermaid Parade at Coney Island. Don your finest fins and come out for an all day freak-fest. Eat some hot dogs at Nathans and end the night (and possibly your life) with a roller coaster ride on the notorious Cyclone.

Sunday
After applying some aloe to your sunburned ass cheeks, head out to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for some culture. Check out the Jeff Koons on the Roof installation, which offers some sick sculptures from this American icon. Enjoy a cocktail while you check out the views of Central Park and the city skyline. Also be sure to stop by the Superheroes Fashion and Fantasy exhibit, which features movie costumes and “high-performance sportswear,” aka, neon leotards.

I’ll have a tall falsie with extra head, please.

2008-06-19T11:47:00.001-04:00

Have you noticed that it’s been taking you longer and costing you more money to get drunk lately? Don’t worry, it’s probably not a serious alcohol dependency problem. No, the blame is not on you, beer guzzler, but rather on your glass.

According to the Wall Street Journal, several bars and restaurants around the country have been serving pints of beer in 14 oz thick-bottomed glasses, as opposed to a standard pint of 16 oz. Bartenders are charging the same amount for beer served in the “falsie” glass as they are for the standard glass.

The article states that Hooters, the top-notch dining establishment, serves draft beer in 14-ounce glasses in Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky and Tennessee, and regular pint glasses in other states. Which is a bit strange, since I thought all Hooters franchises served “falsies” on the regular. Oh wait, I think I’m confusing pint glasses with their waitresses’ breasts. I hate it when that happens.

“A Pint Sized Problem”, Wall Street Journal

New York Times Pulls a Fast One on Daily Nuzzo

2008-06-18T13:44:00.004-04:00

In more geographical news, the New York Times blatantly stole my idea about going to each ball park in the U.S. and writing a book about the differences in hot dog quality and style in each stadium. Well, they didn’t write an entire book on it. And it wasn’t exclusively focused on hot dogs. But still. I’m kinda pissed.

Finding the Hits, Avoiding the Errors – NYT Interactive Map

I must admit, this is actually pretty cool. However, I dispute the following:

1. Wrigley Field – the hot dogs are delicious. Poppyseed bun, relish, pickles, tomatoes. What more can you ask for?
2. Yankee Stadium – how come the sugar cookies from the bakery on the ground level were not included? Where else can you take a bite out of A-Rod’s face without it getting written up in the Post the next day?
3. Dodgers Stadium – the garlic fries, albeit soggy with oily deliciousness, are not to be passed up.
4. U.S. Cellular Field (Chicago White Sox) – Try the foie gras. It's to die for.

I’ll allow the New York Times to revise their story, but just this once. You’re skating on thin ice, Times, very thin ice!

Bros Before Hoes

2008-06-18T12:21:00.003-04:00

A friend passed on this very informative map today, which denotes all of the states and cities where has-been rapper Ludacris claims to have “hoes” based on the information he provides in his 2001 hit, “Area Codes.” Click here to see his hoe-hold on America.

Never one to back down from a geographic challenge, I decided to create a map of my own, charting out all the places where I have bros, the male equivalent of hoes. Please write in to let me know if I’m missing anyone.

By the way, I don’t count that one time in Wichita, so Erwin, don’t even try it. I don’t care how cold you claimed that pool water to be, it still doesn’t count.

Click on map for a larger view.

Daily Nuzzo on Red Alert

2008-06-16T17:24:00.001-04:00

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the work of the World Information Access group. No? Well you should be. They just published a new report on the number of bloggers who were arrested for political reasons. Since 2003, an overwhelming 64 bloggers have been out behind bars for publishing their views on the World Wide Web.

According to a BBC article, “the number of blogger arrests in 2008 would exceed the 36 seen in 2007 thanks to greater popularity of blogging as a medium, greater enforcement of net restrictions, and elections in China, Pakistan, Iran and the US.”

Luckily for me, I don’t post any political views on dailynuzzo.com. Unless you count the posts where I promote excessive alcohol abuse, dole out self-destructive relationship advice and banter cleverly about current happenings within Major League Baseball as political. Which, it probably is, considering the current tide of American politics. So yeah, stay tuned for my ‘Daily Nuzzo from Guantanamo’ edition, coming to a computer near you in Fall 2008!!

That Really Hurt...and it's still hurting.

2008-06-11T16:19:00.003-04:00

This is my favorite YouTube video of all time. And by all time, I really mean, the past six months. Because about 7 months ago DayMan was my favorite video. But now it's this one where the baby bites his brother's finger. And there's British accents involved. A true recipe for hilariousness.

And this is what happens when you don’t know what the NY Times restaurant columnist looks like.

2008-06-11T14:09:00.002-04:00

Apparently, the owners of Ago, a new Italian restaurant in the Greenwich Hotel, do not know who Frank Bruni is. For those of you who are asking yourselves, who is Frank Bruni, he’s only one of the most influential restaurant reviewers of all time. He wrote up a hysterical column today for the New York Times on the mishaps of uber-hip Ago. After giving it a read, I’m sure that co-owner Robert DeNiro must be ‘raging’ mad.

And yes, I know I reference the movie Raging Bull way too often.

Here's a good vegetarian-friendly quote from the article:

“The [breaded veal Milanese] I had one night was pounded so thin that the breading on top met the breading on the bottom without pausing for much of anything in between. A vegan could have made peace with it…. And no pig should perish for a pork chop as dry as one at Ago.”

Read about all the shenanigans here: No Trouble Drawing a Crowd

It’s Wednesday. Aka – Blowfish Time.

2008-06-11T13:46:00.000-04:00

This might possibly be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Now if only that giant human hand would release the baby blowfish and go back to pursuing an unpromising career as a hand model.

John Sterling – You have what’s coming to you.

2008-06-09T16:24:00.002-04:00

So I got a voice message today from John Sterling, the radio sportscaster for the New York Yankees. He was calling to personally inform me that I’m eligible to purchase tickets to the 2008 All-Star Game, being held this year at Yankee Stadium.

My palms started sweating immediately after listening to this message. Before he even finished talking, I was already furiously typing and clicking away to log into my Yankees account at MLB.com. It took 45 minutes for me to get onto the site. When I got there, no options for All-Start ticket purchase could be found.

So I emailed my season ticket representative over at Yankee stadium – let’s call her Katie Confused – to ask why Mr. Sterling promised me All-Start tickets that he could not deliver on.

This is the email response I received:

Danielle,

The recorded phone message you received this morning from John Sterling, was sent out in error to some of our ticket license plan holders. Please disregard the message. Only full, A and B, license plan holders from 2007 and prior are required to pay an invoice. All other plans, C through flex and new 2008 Full, A and B plan licensees, will be eligible for the All Star Game pre sale. The following schedule outlines the dates and times of the All Star week pre sale. Once again you may disregard the message left this morning by John Sterling. In addition you will soon receive a follow up call from John Sterling reminding you of tomorrow’s pre sale. If you have any further questions please let me know.

Sorry for the confusion!
Katie

So John Sterling is going to call me not once but TWICE to tell me about my chance to purchase tickets? Listen Katie, one facetious message from Mr. Sterling is already too much to handle. Unless I receive a dozen roses and a pair of All-Star tickets for seats along the first-base line tomorrow from Mr. Sterling, I’m going to be pissed. And I’m gonna blog about it. Do you know how many people read dailynuzzo.com? At least 12! Expect your phone line to be ringing off the hook with angry readers

But what most concerns me is that such a huge organization as the Yankees, which has all of my credit card information, is erroneously sending out phone calls to thousands of season-ticket holders. I wouldn’t even expect this kind of behavior from the Coney Island Cyclones, Katie. And that’s not saying much, considering that they host rock, paper, scissor contests on the field after the games and all of the outfielders moonlight as amusement park attendants on non-game days.

You can send the roses to my work address, Katie. And be sure to get extra packets of the flower food. Bitch.

Dear Daily Nuzzo

2008-06-09T12:11:00.006-04:00

We have a slew of Dear Daily Nuzzo questions today. And by slew, I really mean two. Send your queries and daily gripes by emailing dailynuzzo@gmail.com. Enjoy!

Dear Daily Nuzzo,
I recently hooked up with an ex-flame for use of her air conditioner. For Christ sake, it’s 100 degrees out there! Anyway, I have no real intention of continuing a relationship with her and I also have a semi-relationship with another girl who lives out of town. I don’t want to screw my chances with hot out-of-towner for an air conditioner. But then again, it was a good hook-up and I didn’t wake up in a puddle of my own sweat. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Sweaty in NYC

Dear Sweaty,
Buy an air conditioner. They are $100 at P.C. Richard. It will save you from the always-shameful ex-lover hook-up and you’ll be all set for when that hot out-of-towner comes for a visit. Besides, what kinda girl is going to hook up with a guy who doesn’t own an AC? Well, I mean, I guess if you’re into that sort of thing. As for the AC girl, make sure you tell her that it was a one-time deal and that you feel really terrible for leading her own. However, don't mention anything about how it was all in vain for the 65 degree room temperature.

Dear Daily Nuzzo,
Why are men such chicks lately? The stereotypical female traits are more applicable to men nowadays. This includes cuddling, attention seeking, reinforcement on the status of the relationship, sensitivity, neediness, talking about how you feel and overall girly annoyingness. Is this some sort of trend – like is it all part of being “metro?” What’s the deal with guys being so in touch with their feelings?

Sincerely,
Fed up with she-males

Dear Fed up,
I hear ya sister. Ever since Dr. Phil debuted, guys are more worried about feelings and morality then being a man. My advice to you – don’t date anyone in a major city, where politeness overrules masculinity. Move to Montana and find a cowboy on a dude ranch. He won’t know the definition of ‘emotion’ yet alone how to properly treat a woman. You’ll never have to worry about talking about “feelings” and “the future” again. You’ll just have to learn how to properly skin and cook a bison for dinner.

Friday is now known as Farnsworth Fight Day

2008-06-06T09:35:00.001-04:00

Here’s the highly-coveted/questionably illegal footage of Kyle Farnsworth’s brawl with Paul Wilson. This all went down in 2003 when Farnsworth was pitching for the Cubs. It’s pretty sick and should teach us all a lesson: never trust a man who’s 6’4 and wears reading glasses suited for a 12-year old schoolgirl.

That's What She Said...Two Decades Ago.

2008-06-05T15:45:00.004-04:00

My friend Olivia, who happens to be from Poland and named after Olivia Newton-John (her parents wanted to give her “nice American name”), is keen on inserting awkward catch phrases from the early 90’s into regular conversation. Here’s a recent example of her tactic:

Olivia gets a soda out of the fridge, shuts the door and a magnet falls off. She immediately responds by saying “Did I do thaaaat?” in the always-recognizable Steve Erkel voice.

Now, most people would get a nice chuckle out of this. But I for one, did not. You see, Olivia wasn’t even trying to be funny. It just came naturally to her – as if, what else would you say when a magnet falls of the fridge door? I think the explanation for this odd behavior is the fact that the majority of Olivia’s childhood was spent watching crappy TV sitcoms (as it was her only method to truly assimilate into American culture). But it’s kinda growing on me, and I find myself saying “TGIF, getting jiggy with it?” more often that I’d like to admit.

Now, I ask you, loyal readers – to tell me your all-time favorite catch phrase of the 1990’s:

Did I do that? (Urkel voice)
Cut it out (Uncle Joey)
How rude!
Show me the money
Pysch!
We were on a break!
Yada yada yada
Getting jiggy with it?
Smelly cat
WAAZZZZUPPP
bud. wise. er.
TGIF
I'm the baby, gotta love me!
Talk to the hand - cause my face ain't listening!
Oh no you didn't!
Whatever!
As if!
She could be a farmer in those clothes.

NYPD Provides Subway Riders with Cutting-Edge Technology to Stop Crime. Oh wait, it’s just a keychain.

2008-06-05T09:00:00.000-04:00

I was walking out of the Canal street station on my way to work this morning when I noticed something odd. Two cops were handing out flyers to the horde of straphangers getting off the E train. Being as adorably inquisitive as I am, I rushed right over and took a flyer from the man in blue.

But this wasn’t just any old flyer from NY’s finest. This was a FREE gift! For me! It was a tag – a tag for your bag! That says N.Y.P.D. Gear Guard!

I examined the flyer/bag tag combo as I walked up the steps. Does it beep? Does it send out an alarm to the preceint if someone snatches my purse? Is this tag designed by Tommy Hilfiger? Were all questions that ran through my head.

Apparently, the tag is nothing more than a plastic keychain that you snap onto your purse or gym bag that is supposed to ward off evil-doers like some sort of modern-day evil eye. It kinda reminds me of how my brother once placed a Slomin’s Shield sign on our front yard to fake-out all the neighborhood burglars into believing that we could actually afford a home security system.

According to AM NY, the Gear Guard is just one initiative from a 30-officer team effort to decrease petty subway crimes. In the NYPD’s eyes, “there is a world of difference between reading a poster that tells you to keep your property safe and having the officers approach you directly.”

Is there also a world of difference in how much it costs to produce these plastic key chains, on top of the hours spent passing them out, and how much it costs to keep real cops on the street fighting real crime. Take a look at the crime statistics from the week of May 28, 2008 – June 1, 2008 and you’ll see that there were 8 murders and 35 rapes in NYC. And 796 incidences of grand larceny.

I’ll make sure to look at my Gear Guard key chain the next time that someone attempts to slash my wrist to steal my groceries.

New York City Cops by The Strokes

New York City Cops (Version 2) - The Strokes

Bodies: The Exhibit. Now with more torture victims!

2008-06-04T16:36:00.003-04:00

As many New Yorkers already know, the Bodies exhibit is a creepy, disturbing and surprisingly entertaining place to take someone on a first date. Popular with tourists and middle-schoolers alike, the Bodies exhibit in South Street Seaport is on everyone’s must-see list.

But would it matter if you knew that the exhibits were actually the remains of individuals who may have been tortured and executed in communist China? If you’re like me, then probably no, this does not matter to you at all. In fact, I think it adds that extra zing that most dead bodies are lacking!

However, if you feel like even after 1,000 showers you still wouldn’t be able to scrub all the guilt off you for paying $30 to support both communism and torture, you can get your money back if you still have your ticket stub. I know I do. It’s framed, right next to my tickets from the Auschwitz and Hiroshima guided tours.

'Bodies' Show Must Put Up Warnings - New York Times

Dear Daily Nuzzo

2008-05-30T16:37:00.002-04:00

Dear Daily Nuzzo,

Do you know what kind of batteries a TI-83 calculator takes?

Sincerely,
AVH

Dear AVH,

Considering that I took my AP Calculus exam with an abacus, I am completely dumbfounded by this question. No, I do not know what kind of batteries a TI-83 takes nor do I want to know why this is your biggest concern of present time. My advice to you is to put down the calculator and pick up a life on your way home from the nerd factory.

That was kind of harsh. It takes four AAA batteries.

Beer Me

2008-05-30T15:31:00.001-04:00

Going to Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia for summer vacation? Then you’ll be pleased to know that it will only cost you $1.13 USD for a pint of beer.

I drunkenly stumbled across this great Web site that lists the prices for a pint of lager in every single country in the world. They even break it up by cities. So in NYC you’ll pay $7 a pint. Baltimore, Maryland: $2 a pop.

As Woody Allen once said, “I’m not moving to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right on red.” However, I would move to a city where it was cheaper for me to make rights on red while driving drunk. I’m kidding. Kinda.

Super Secret Mario Brothers

2008-05-20T15:38:00.002-04:00

So I just discovered the most ingenious invention from Google yet. A discreet flash version of their original Super Mario Brothers game that you can play while you are on your Google homepage.

Your boss will think that you’re completing that research on the socioeconomic implications for the U.S. if a major natural disaster occurred in one of the BRIC nations. But really, you’re just trying to eat as many mushrooms and jump in as many sewers as you can.

Add Mario to your Google homepage here.

Chi-Town: Too Much Duck, Not Enough Gun Protection Laws.

2008-05-20T13:04:00.002-04:00

Not sure if you’ve heard, but Chicagoans are once again allowed to enjoy the delicacy of foie gras at their local French bistros after a preposterous two year ban on the fatty duck liver.

However, there seems to be a direct correlation between the reemergence of foie gras and dangerous crime in the Windy City. Big Brother, aka Google Maps, caught vivid images of a young man pointing a gun at a child yesterday. And it doesn’t stop there. Google Maps even found a white girl flashing the camera the other day in a Chicago suburb. A white girl! Flashing her boobs! On the street!

So heed the advice of Daily Nuzzo and take it easy on the fatty duck liver Chicago. Just because you can now eat like New Yorkers doesn't mean you have to act like New Yorkers. So put down the guns and ducks and pick up a hot dog instead.

Real World Tries to Keep It F’n Real in Brooklyn, Aight?

2008-05-15T12:41:00.003-04:00

MTV has chosen Brooklyn as the new home for their once-successful and favorite has-been reality show, The Real World. It has not been disclosed which neighborhood in Brooklyn will play host to the seven white kids, who are likely to all hail from Missouri and/or Montana, but either way, this is bad news for us natives.

Whether it’s a quiet night out at Union Pool or a Sunday Funday at McCarren Park Pool, you will be affected. Prepare to have hordes of camera crews surround you as you try to grind on that smokin' hipster boy at Studio B. Or as you try to buy crack on Metropolitan Ave. Either way, this show is going to turn what’s left of Brooklyn into a tri-state Disneyland.

I wonder if the show will turn out anything like the last time they filmed in New York.

Most Women Prefer Blogging Over Drinking. Not this Woman.

2008-05-12T19:38:00.002-04:00

A recent study by BlogHer and Compass Partners found that 55 percent of female bloggers would give up alcohol in order to keep their blogs. I find this stat fascinating, since alcohol is really the only thing keeps the daily nuzzo going!

I wonder how much better this blog would be if I spent more time with researching interesting articles and current events instead of taking my hourly shot of Cuervo…

You can check out the fascinating results of this uber-reliable study here.

Are you a man? Then act like it, beeyatch.

2008-05-08T15:55:00.002-04:00

I know that my regular readers are all sophisticated, wealthy and intelligent beings, but for those of you who prefer a beef jerky to a filet mignon, Esquire Magazine has got just the thing for you – a long list of vital skills that every man should know how to do.

Yeah, this means you, [insert your name here if applicable]! So start reading: 75 Skills Every Man Should Master

Unfortunately, blowing up a helicopter with a stolen police car (ala John McClane in Die Hard 4) did not make the list, but I still find that to be a very useful skill.

Best. Quote. Ever.

2008-05-06T14:53:00.002-04:00

The Game, a.k.a. Jayceon Terrell Taylor, is a feud-inducing rapper from my home-away-from-home: Compton, CA. Not only does he have the obligatory tear drop tattoo under his left eye, but he also has the LA Dodgers symbol inscribed on his face! Gangsta!

Anyway, The Game is getting ready to release his much-anticipated third album and recently provided some deep insight into the title:

"I decided on [the title] L.A.X. because that's the major airport here. I figured people fly into LAX coming and going. I consider myself like that airport, because anything coming through and leaving California gotta come through me." —The Game [New York Magazine].

Missing Your Dose of Daily Nuzzo?

2008-05-06T14:51:00.001-04:00

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but the Daily Nuzzo has been lacking some frequent updates due to a hectic schedule consisting of getting drunk on weekdays and eating absurd amounts of Mexican food.

Please be assured that I’m looking into the situation. I was thinking about hiring a worker monkey, but apparently you need to get all these permits and malaria vaccinations – which will just deduct from my drinking and blogging time. Let me know if you have any other suggestions but in the meantime, I’ll try to update this prestigious blog during my non-eating and drinking hours. See you at 6:30 a.m. and 3:30 p.m.!

Fun Afternoon Activity

2008-05-05T16:53:00.001-04:00

It’s 75 degrees and sunny outside. In other words, the perfect day for a little shark surfing.

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What To Do This Weekend

2008-05-02T16:07:00.004-04:00

I’m heading out to the Yankees game tonight and I’m confident that Chien-Ming Wang can muster up a win against Seattle’s Bedard. That’s sarcasm at its finest. The highlight of the game will be the return of broadcaster Bobby Murcer, who hasn’t worked a game yet this season due to illness. His illness: being sick of the Yankees. I feel ya Murcer, I feel ya.

I’m still on a Coachella high, so here are some weekend concert recommendations – all endorsed with the Daily Nuzzo seal of approval!

Friday
It’s the final night of the Tribeca Film Festival here in New York and there is going to be a serious rock show going down at Webster Hall. The Virgins, The Hold Steady, Republic Tigers and the Bad Veins will all be performing. If you can only make one set, go for The Virgins.

Saturday
The Teenagers play at the Music Hall of Williamsburg and tickets are still available. These Francophiles put on a great live set in Indio and they embrace tee shirts with Leonardo DiCaprio’s face on them. What more could you ask for?

Here’s my favorite tracks from them. Caution! – listen to this with headphones on if you’re at work.

Sunday
Well, I don’t have time to look up Sunday gigs, but I’m sure someone will have a radio on if you visit the Brooklyn Indie Market in Carroll Gardens. The market is open from 11-7 and features clothes, jewelery and other goods from local artists. The market is located under the red-and-white tent on Smith Street and Union Street.

Afterwards, head to MoMA for a screening of Graffiti Research Lab: The complete first season, a featured film in the 2008 Sundance Film Festival. The documentary explores the lives of two friends who quit their day jobs (one was an architect, the other an engineer) to develop high-tech tools for the art of bombing. Stick around for the panel discussion and party afterwards with Graffiti Research Lab and surprise guests.

Drink Your Gambling Losses Away and Kill Two Vices with One Stone!!

2008-05-02T12:52:00.007-04:00

If you’re like me, you probably bet your entire savings account (all $135 of it) on tomorrow’s Kentucky Derby races. Well, you better be ready to drink your sorrows away. Here are some recipes for two classic Derby Drinks. Enjoy!

The Mint Julep
* 2 cups sugar
* 2 cups water
* Sprigs of fresh mint
* Crushed ice
* Early Times Kentucky Whisky (or any bourbon whiskey)
* Silver Julep Cups

Make a simple syrup by boiling sugar and water together for five minutes. Cool and place in a covered container with six or eight sprigs of fresh mint, then refrigerate overnight. Make one julep at a time by filling a julep cup with crushed ice, adding one tablespoon mint syrup and two ounces of whiskey. Stir rapidly with a spoon to frost the outside of the cup. Garnish with a sprig of fresh mint.

Fun Fact:
The Mint Julep is not only fun to say, but it is considered the traditional beverage of the Kentucky Derby. Last year, more than 120,000 juleps were served at Churchill Downs.

The Brass Monkey

*One 40 oz of Old English Ale
*Sunny Delight

My drink of choice for all occasions, the Brass Monkey dates all the way back to 1986 with the release of The Beastie Boys’ Licensed to Ill album. The contents of this drink are highly debated, but after much trial and error, I’ve decided that an OE and Sunny Delight is exactly what Mike D, AdRock and MCA intended in their cryptic lyrics.

Instructions:
Purchase a 40oz of Old English Ale in your local deli/bodega/liquor store/alley. Pay cash. You don’t want this to be traced back to you in any way. You can pick up Sunny D at any store that caters to small children and/or minority populations. It’s usually located right next to the purple stuff.

Sit outside on your porch/stoop/sidewalk. Drink the OE down to the top of the label. Use a siphon (I prefer a folded paper plate) and pour in Sunny D until it reaches the top of the bottle. Shake vigorously. Drink. Do the monkey dance.*

*Brass Monkey Lyrics (including monkey dance instructions)

Dude, where's my shorts?

2008-05-01T13:44:00.003-04:00

The sleepy beach community of Long Beach Township, NJ is cracking down on some serious crime these days. The kind of crime that will shock and alarm small children and saintly mothers. The crime: disrobing, or the act of getting undressed.

Members of the Ocean County township are up in arms about those damn surf hippies getting naked all the time. For those of my readers who are NOT avid surfers, it is custom to wear a wetsuit when surfing in cold-to-mild water temperatures. It’s also custom to change out of your wetsuit before getting back into your car.

So after a long day of shredding, these surfers are supposed to drive home in a salty, stinky suit? This is not rush hour, people. Us beach types like to be comfortable when we drive. Most times we’re not even wearing shoes. Yeah, I said it – no shoes!

Who cares if we use strategically placed towels to “disrobe” and change into a pair of boardshorts? You catch a glimpse of my ass? Consider yourself lucky. I charge most people to see that sort of skin.

NY Times: A Beach Where Discretion Is More Than Just Advised

What Daily Nuzzo Wants

2008-05-01T11:46:00.002-04:00

I know my birthday has already come and gone, like an alleycat in the night, but it is never too late to send your favorite blogger a gift. And this is what I want.

Since I’m often shackled to my desk chair by the tyrants who run this blog, I have little opportunity to enjoy the inherent pleasure of watching a baseball day game. Not that I’m overly interested in seeing how low the Yankees can fall under .500, but I still like to know what’s going on. I also enjoy looking at things with blinking lights.

For a mere $199, you can plug this bad boy into your computer and the wonders of satellite will light up the old-fashioned scoreboard. Just like the good ol’ days when hot dogs were $1 and women weren’t allowed in the stadium.

And the icing on the cake, in my opinion, is that you’ll never have to hear Susan Waldman’s voice again.

Liveboard – Live Baseball Scorecard

Daily Nuzzo is Back. With a Hangover!

2008-04-30T15:13:00.003-04:00

I’m back to blogging, bitches. I know how much you missed me. I was going to throw up my arms and toss my Dell desktop through my bedroom window, never to be heard from again, but I had a change of heart. Upon arriving back at work today, I realized how painful it is to make it through an entire workday without telling complete strangers exactly how I’m feeling. So here I go.

I had a shockingly-good time out in L.A., the under-achieving baby sister of New York. It was less crowded and had more sun. There was slightly more pollution, but only in the form of smog, as opposed to the rotting piles of garbage on the streets that you find here in the ‘Big Dirty.’ I ate good Mexican. I ate hot dogs dressed with bacon, sour cream and relish. I ate garlic fries at Dodgers stadium. I saw an original Space Invader graffiti installation. I went swimming in Hermosa Beach and had my fortune told by Zoltar in Venice Beach. I contemplated getting a tattoo three times. And I survived the California freeway.

Coachella was the highlight of the trip. It was by far the most convenient and well-organized music festival I’ve ever been to, despite being 120 miles away from L.A. in the middle of a godforsaken desert. The temperature reached 104 degrees on Saturday, but in my drunken and exhausted state, I hardly noticed. My favorite sets were Gogol Bordello (best live show I’ve been to), Man Man, MGMT, The Cool Kids, Vampire Weekend, Yelle, Diplo and Animal Collective. Besides a mini-breakdown at the thought of paying $7 for a slice of pizza (American dollars!) best times were had by all.

A big shout-out to Muller and crew for their generous hospitality. I’ve never felt more comfortable crashing in strangers’ beds and couches. And I’ve never drank more Function in my life. I’m still waiting for my lifetime supply to arrive to my doorstep in Queens, Nate.

You can view my pictures of the Voyage out West here.

Also, Pitchfork did a nice write-up of Coachella.

I look forward to doing it all again next year.

Daily Nuzzo Deserves a Break

2008-04-18T16:16:00.003-04:00

As some of you may know, I’m taking a business trip out to the West Coast to do some market research on the culture of Californians. Besides their fondness for terrycloth and avocados, I don’t know too much about them. The ideal behind this research is that Daily Nuzzo will eventually have offerings on what to do in a multitude of urban centers, including Miami, Los Angeles, Washington D.C., and Bloomington, IL.

I’ll also be attending the Coachella music festival and will try to remember some portions of those 3 hazy days out in the desert in order to blog about it later. If I were you, I’d check out the official Coachella blog if you want to know what happened. I’m gonna check it when I get back too, so I can also find out what happened.

This will be my last post until Tuesday, April 29 when I may or may not return. In my absence, I’m sure many of you will find other ways to procrastinate during the work day. Some of you may even start a blog of your own, as an act of spite and revenge. But I only ask one thing of you, faithful readers. I ask that you keep the Daily Nuzzo dream alive. Like I said in the beginning, we need page views people, lots of page views! Daily Nuzzo just doesn’t write itself over here…or does it?

We have better musical taste than you.

2008-04-18T16:03:00.003-04:00

Olivia’s Song of the Day: Tegan and Sara, “Back in Your Head”

Sorry, but Tegan and Sara are sold out on May 12th at Terminal 5. Check Craigslist. Sucks that we don't have a shot at seeing them. Oh. Wait... I'll experience them live in California next weekend along with 50,000 other people. Maybe Daily Nuzzo can post about it while we're tanning on the beach and sipping on mojitos. No, she’ll probably be too drunk to figure out how to use wireless. I hear she uses dial-up!

Trend Alert: Stupid Sunglasses

2008-04-18T15:55:00.002-04:00

It’s 75 degrees out today, which can only mean two things: (1) people are showing more skin than they should; (2) people are wearing stupid sunglasses. I’ve noticed an inordinately large number of people wearing the classic “neon party glasses” (pictured at left), a staple in the 80’s accessories genre and a common party favor at Sweet 16’s, Bar Mitzvahs, Weddings, Funeral and the like.

Is this a new trend? Are these people trying to be hip/ironic by wearing a pair of sunglasses that offers neither UV protection or a sense of style?

Discuss among yourselves.

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What To Do This Weekend

2008-04-18T09:22:00.005-04:00

It’s gonna be a great weekend in New York. The weather is beautiful, the Yankees salvaged one from Manny and Co. and it’s my last weekend before the ultimate vacay begins on Monday. It's a celebration, bitches:

Friday
Enjoy the gorgeous weather (78 degrees baby!) by drinking outside. My suggestions are pretty obvious: the Boat Basin on the West side or the Bohemian Beer Hall and Garden, the last original NYC beer garden, located in beautiful Astoria.

After you’re nice and boozed up, go see the live reunion show of our favorite Canadian comedians, The Kids in the Hall. Yes, they are still alive, and they’re playing at Nokia Theatre Times Square all weekend. Purchase tickets here.

Saturday
In a desperate attempt to save the music industry, a slew of record shops across the country will be holding events on Saturday to trick people in actually coming into the store and, perhaps, purchasing an album. If you’re like me, and I’m sure you are, you’re more sentimental about cassette tapes than records, but it’s worth giving it a looksie.

Get all the details on Record Store Day here.

If you are in the NY area, make sure to check these out:

Regina Spektor is giving a free show at 1:00 p.m. in Brooklyn at Soundfix Records
Go to Other Music in the East Village from 12:30-5:00 to see members of Tapes ’n Tapes, Black Keys, Deerhunter, Grizzly Bear and Interpol spin tunes.
And don’t miss the Tapes ‘n Tapes gig later that night at the Music Hall of Williamsburg.

Sunday – 4/20
Get your mind out of the gutter! Well, since you’re already thinking about 420, might as well pick up your Snoop Dogg/311 tickets. The cannibus-encouraging duo will be playing at Coney Island on July 16. Yea, I’ve already got my tickets. They go on sale today…

In celebration of Earth Day on Tuesday, Central Park will be hosting a free concert. Go mingle with other environmentalists freaks and get your carbon offsetting on.

Not sure if you’ve heard, but the Pope is in town. He’ll be delivering a mass at Yankee stadium today, but there’s pretty much no chance in hell that you’re getting tickets. Instead, go drink at Stan’s Sports Bar and try to catch a glimpse of the man in white. Side note: if Benedict knows what’s good for him, he’ll go and bless the new stadium to reverse any possible hex that was placed on it. Just remember, Yankees fans have God on their side.

And This is Why You Never Go Into an Interview Unprepared.

2008-04-18T08:27:00.003-04:00

I’ve always liked Christina Ricci but this brings my love for her to an entirely new level: http://gawker.com/5006192/christina-ricci-wishes-you-had-prepared-for-this-interview

Oh, Burn!!!

LaTroy Hawkins Gives the Fans Something Back: #21

2008-04-17T16:03:00.003-04:00

I watched the Yankees-Red Sox game last night at Turtle Bay, a disgusting little bar on 52^nd and 2^nd that offers a “Wednesday Night Recession Special” where local drafts are only $1. Needless to say, by the time Yankees relief pitcher LaTroy Hawkins came in during the sixth inning, I had a few beers too many. In fact, I thought I was so drunk that I was seeing things: LaTroy Hawkins was wearing #22 on his uniform.

To those of my readers who are not avid sports fans, Hawkins started a huge controversy in the NY area when he decided to wear #21 to honor Roberto Clemente. #21 belonged to legendary Paul O’Neill, the beloved Yankees right-fielder who retired in 2001. Seven years later, #21 has not been retired but has also not been worn.

When Hawkins first ran out onto the field this season with #21 on his back, fans were horrified and appalled. They booed and chanted Paul O’Neill, as a subtle reminder to Hawkins that he’s playing in St. Paul’s house. O’Neill was cordial, saying he was appreciative of how many fans still associate that number with him but noted that it was weird to see another Yankee player wear it.

After a lot of negative press and surely, a lot of pressure, Hawkins switched his number last night to #22. Donning Roger Clemen’s old number (who misses him anyway?), the switch served him well: he pitched two scoreless innings and earned the win against the Red Sox. And that’s exactly how Paulie would have wanted it.

New Indiana Jones Movie Too Long? Daily Nuzzo's Stance: Not Long Enough.

2008-04-17T12:12:00.005-04:00

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, set to release this summer, is getting some negative publicity for the fact that it is 140 minutes long. Several reporters are asking if an action movie really needs to be two hours and 20 minutes long.

To be honest, I’m pretty upset that it’s only 140 minutes. How can Indiana Jones 4 be anything under three hours long??? We’ve been waiting for this movie for 19 goddamn years.

Harrison Ford ripped a beating heart out of a man’s chest on-screen, and we’re giving him shit about giving his audience non-stop action for 140 minutes?

Come on people, Mahatma: Life of Gandhi 1869 – 1948 was 330 minutes long and you don’t see film critics giving them crap! And nobody even liked that movie. Seriously.

To the Man With No Pants on the N train...

2008-04-16T13:14:00.002-04:00

As if Craigslist Missed Connections (the godfather of legalized stalker sites) wasn’t enough to creep you out, there is now an entire Web site dedicated to finding that ‘total hottie’ you saw on the subway this morning. Behold – Subway Crush.

My favorite thing about these missed connections sites are how vacant and vague the postings always seem to be. It’s like they all share the same pathetic-borderline-pyschotic template:

Subject: To the hottie with the body on the E Train

Me – Black Jacket, Jeans and Sneakers.
You – Red hair, black coat, black boots.

Now, I never ever do this but I figured I’d give it a try! Saw you on the E train this morning and you were reading the paper. Not sure if you saw me, but I think you’re really fly. Email me back if you wanna grab drinks…or something else!!!!

If an online posting is not going to work, then I don’t know what is. Maybe next time you can actually approach this person and speak to them. Or, perhaps, mass transit is not the ideal place to meet a significant other. Call me old fashioned, but I still meet my men just the way I like them – 7 brewskies down and stumbling on the dance floor.

You Know You're Old When...

2008-04-16T12:46:00.003-04:00

You still think that Kids in the Hall are funny. They’re back, bitches. And they’ve got a whole lot of head-crushing to do.

Years ago, my older brother took me to a live show of KITH when they went on tour in NYC. I was inappropriately young and blocked out the majority of their most vulgar (and most hysterical) skits, so I’m looking forward to it the second time around.

Get the dates of their new live shows here.

Nerd Proposes; Geek Girlfriend Accepts, Advances to Next Level

2008-04-15T13:46:00.002-04:00

In Jersey City, New Jersey, which is almost as redundant as Iowa City, Iowa a nerd proposed to his girlfriend in the most dorkiest way possible – via computer game.

According to the AP, Bernie Peng reprogrammed his girlfriend’s favorite video game, "Bejeweled," so a ring and a marriage proposal would show up on the screen when she reached a certain score. She reached the score alright, and she said yes.

This is almost as bad as the classic “onion ring” proposal or the potentially embarrassing ice rink/baseball stadium/racecar speedway proposals that men often think women will enjoy.

Personally, I’ve only witnessed one marriage proposal – it took place at an underground gay bar on the outskirts of Boston after a burlesque performance. An overweight man with glasses took his overweight girlfriend, also wearing glasses, up onto the stage (which was still wet with sweat from the previous performance) and he got down on one knee and asked Big Bertha to marry him. She said yes, the topless burlesque dancer got back on stage and hugged them, and the fiancée fist-pumped to celebrate. It was the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen.

Which reminds me, I also scored a date that night with a straight guy that I met at said gay bar. Well, I think he was straight. He said he just liked to dance in a non-restrictive environment with his best guy friends…

Cool, This is So

2008-04-15T09:49:00.002-04:00

I just celebrated my 2* th birthday (a true lady never discloses her age) by downing shots of Patron infused with coffee and eating 1.5 grilled cheese sandwiches at 5:30 a.m. in a Queens diner. Probably the most upscale birthday party I’ve had in a long time.

Anywho, while I had an amazing time this past weekend, I just wanted to call out all of my-so-called-friends for NOT baking me this cake. If any of you people truly knew me and what I really wanted for my b-day, you would have made me this:

Ashamed of yourselves, you all should be.

Baking Directions for Yoda Cake

Acronymic Ads are Confusing, Hysterical.

2008-04-14T14:48:00.001-04:00

I was on my way to work this morning, walking down the street after my fiscally irresponsible indulgence at Starbucks, when I stopped dead in my tracks. An advertisement on a wooden placard was staring back at me, mocking me and my $3.50 cup of coffee. It read “OMFG.”

Now, I’m not down with the lingo that kids use these days, but I’m pretty sure that means “Orange Macchiato Frappachino Girl.” How did this ad know my gender and what beverage I ordered? Was it an oracle of sorts? And why did it feature two kids having sex in the background?

Upon further research, I learned that I was entirely wrong. It’s actually an advertisement for Gossip Girls. Judging from the ad, I think it’s a show about skanky teenage girls who like to gossip and make out in the back of cabs.

I was a bit disappointed when I found all this out, since I plan on ordering a White Tea Frappachino tomorrow and would have loved to see a billboard at 8:30 in the morning read WTF. LOL.

See the ads here.

Sox Shirt Saga...Part Deux

2008-04-14T13:54:00.002-04:00

Okay, so we’ve dug up the shirt. It’s out of the new stadium and out of our minds. All of the Yankees’ problems are solved.

Costing a mere $50,000 to excavate an Ortiz jersey that was buried two feet below the surface, New York has its faith in humanity restored. We’re sending a strong message to our friends up in Boston: No construction worker can mess with our manifest destiny.

I’m just waiting to get my “Big Papi has no curse” tee shirt to replace my “Big Papi has no heart” shirt from the 2005 season. Because even I felt like a dirtbag wearing that one.

NY Post: A Yankee ‘Hex’Cavation (their headline, not mine)

Red Shirt + Cement Mix = Cruising for a Bruising

2008-04-11T16:32:00.002-04:00

I’m highly skeptical about this, but the New York Post reported that a construction worker at the new Yankee stadium site deliberately buried a Red Sox shirt in the concrete foundation under what will become the visitors’ clubhouse.

The Boston fan hoped to curse the new home of the Yanks with this stunt and went and bragged about it to all the local papers.

So why are we withholding this man’s name?? And when I say man, I’m using the term very loosely. And since when does the NY Post use unnamed sources? And since when are they sympathetic to the plight of Red Sox fans?

I demand answers to these questions. Don’t think I won’t go to the Yankee Stadium construction site right now and identify the scoundrel myself. I know a liar and a cheater when I see him, and most of the time, he’s wearing a Red Sox cap and steel-toed boots.

Report: Worker tries to jinx Yanks with buried Red Sox shirt

We have better muscial taste than you

2008-04-11T16:25:00.002-04:00

Beastie Boys & Q-Tip - “Get it Together”

This song makes me want to drink an entire bottle of brass monkey and swim in the East River. Well, that’s pretty normal actually.

Canine Gets Canned; Las Vegas to Rely on Slightly Less Furry, Less-Qualified Meteorologist

2008-04-11T12:37:00.003-04:00

Little Jordan, the beloved 8-month-old lab puppy/chief weatherman, has mysteriously disappeared from his post at the illustrious Las Vegas news station, KVBC-TV. Little Jordan had been delivering the always-unpredictable Nevada weather news (hot and sunny today with little chance of rain) with his less-adorable, human co-star, John Fredericks.

According to an AP article, (yes, the Associated Press is reporting on this breaking news story) Little Jordan replaced Jordan, a golden retriever who died last summer and had served as the principal meteorologist for the station.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Are these dogs getting whacked so that greedy, selfish and non-canine John Fredericks can steal the spotlight? He issued a statement to dispel such murder rumors: “The dog was removed from the broadcast ... pending the resolution of contractual terms.”

However, Lisa Howfield, the station’s manager, is tooting a different tune: "It was John's choice to take the dog off the air," she said. "I would have liked us to keep the dog on the air."

First Jordan and now Little Jordan? What kind of maniac are you, John? You can’t just keep killing everything that gets in your way of obtaining a respectable position at a local news bureau. All we can do is pray that all dogs actually do in fact go to heaven.

Vegas Weather Dog In The Dog House

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What to Do - Weekend Edition

2008-04-11T11:07:00.004-04:00

The Yankees take on the hated Red Sox this weekend, so if you’re lucky, you’ll be headed up to the Bean to take in the game at Fenway. If you’re like me, you’ll be stuck here. So here’s some other cool stuff to do:

Eat Cheap
One of my favorite places to eat is at Lodge in Williamsburg. The crowd is not too pretentious, the food is great, decent beer selection…and it’s pretty cheap by NYC standards. The interior looks like an upstate ski lodge sans grunting lumbermen in flannel shirts. You’ll only find hipsters in flannel shirts here.

Drink Cheap
After Lodge, walk down to 295 Grand Street to Larry Lawrence, a pretty well-hidden bar that bears no sign other than an ominous black door with the numbers 295 on it. Walk through this door, down the hall, and open the last door. Now breathe – you’re safe and your organs haven’t been stolen…yet. I really like the atmosphere in here and if you get the opportunity, talk to the shaggy haired-bartender. He looks like he’s high on LSD, but he actually is in finance. Go figure!

Shop
DSW is offering 20 percent-off coupons for all of their locations this weekend. So even if you live on the mid-coast, you can still get in on the savings for those new kicks.

Listen
Good thing you picked up those new dancing shoes - Hot Chip is playing at Terminal 5 on Saturday night.

Watch
Calling all you New Yorkers - the weekend forecast calls for more rain - so it’s the perfect opportunity to open up a 12-pack of Brooklyn Lager and catch up on all of those New York classic films that you’ve got on your cue. New York Magazine breaks down the best, including my personal favorite, Dog Day Afternoon.

Text Me a Drink
Now, instead of having to get off your ass and actually go out to celebrate your friends’ birthdays, you can just buy them a drink from the comfort of your couch. Belvedere Vodka created a Web site that allows you to send a drink code to your buddy’s phone or e-mail that they can redeem for free vodka. Looking at the list of participating bars in NY, only the seediest of pubs make the list. Which makes me wonder if this is all a scheme – it’s hard to imagine that these bars carry anything other than Moonshine and Don Diego so purchase with caution.

Et tu, Cops?

2008-04-10T09:42:00.003-04:00

The New York Police Department will start random testing for steroid abuse among their underpaid/overworked officers. Apparently, some cops have been hitting the juice hard, which is not very shocking to me. Every time I ask a cop for directions or to arrest that man running away with my purse, they look at me with a blank stare and continue on with their conversation. Is gross indifference a common side effect of roids?

I disagree with this new measure. I think that steroids are beneficial, if not essential, for the NYPD to fulfill their civic duty – protecting Gotham from murderers, muggers and terrorist attacks all while looking super-ripped in those tight, navy blue outfits. Did I just write that out loud? Sorry, my mind wanders sometimes.

Police Department to Start Routinely Testing Officers for Steroid Use

Want Some Pancakes?

2008-04-09T16:59:00.003-04:00

Normally I don't brag and/or boast on dailynuzzo, but I have to inform my readers of earth-shattering news. Prince is playing at the Coachella Music Festival on April 26. Yeah, that Prince. As in the artist formerly known as. And I'll be there. That is all.

Prince to Play Coachella

New Movie About Bush To Tell Americans Everything We Already Know

2008-04-09T12:59:00.005-04:00

Oliver Stone is directing and producing a movie about the life of George W. Bush, Jr. No, it’s not an animated film along the likes of Finding Nemo so Bush’s fans can follow along. Instead, Stone describes it as "a fair, true portrait of the man that asks the question: how did Bush go from being an alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world?"

Ingeniously titled W, the film will have a star-studded cast: Josh Brolin (of No Country for Old Men) will star as the W himself; Ellen Burstyn (the cracked-out old mom in Requiem for a Dream) will play Barbara Bush; and Elizabeth Banks (the lady who played Steve Carell’s girlfriend in 40-Year-Old Virgin) will star as Laura Bush. That all makes perfect sense to me.

If this is anything like Stone’s last movie, World Trade Center, I’ll leave the theater feeling utterly depressed that I wasted two hours of my life. But then again, it could be fun to see the transformation of Baby Bush – snorting cocaine off prostitutes’ butt cheeks, sneaking out of the armed forces – transform into Big Bad Bush, the current President of the Universe. If nothing else, this movie should really restore my faith in our democratic voting system.

Bush is depicted as foul-mouthed frat boy in new Oliver Stone movie

Daily Nuzzo is dangerous to my health

2008-04-09T00:17:00.001-04:00

Blogitis. Inflamed blogoflex. Blog bite. Blogarrhea. Infectious blogopisia.

Call it what you will, but it all leads to the same thing: death! The NY Times recently revealed several “death by blogging” cases, where avid bloggers are dying right at the keyboard as they type furiously to get that one last posting in. Brian Lam, who is still alive and is the chief blogger for gizmodo.com, attributes his ability to escape death back to his Thai boxing days: “I’ve got a background getting punched in the face,” he said. “That’s why I’m good at this job.”

For those of us who don’t get punched in the face on a regular basis, it seems that blogging inevitably leads to an unjust, horrific death. But don’t get upset about missing that final post – you know, the post to end all posts - “goodbye suckers…I’ll see you all in hell!!!!” A new site, http://justincaseidie.com enables bloggers to send time-delayed messages to all of their friends, family and worst enemies after they die. So when you don’t log on to your computer or post to your blog for an extended period of time, the site will automatically send out all those posthumous messages that you’ve been dying (pun intended) to send while you were alive, but you just never had the balls.

So watch out for those “I never really loved you” or “you were the worst boss ever” or “I can’t believe you wore the same prom dress as me, you skank” emails in your inbox soon! It’s the ultimate bitch slap, unless of course it winds up in you spam folder.

NY Times Article – Writers Blog Till They Drop

We have better musical taste than you

2008-04-07T14:36:00.001-04:00

Olivia’s finally back from her three-day gambling binge…her selection today is “Time to Pretend” by MGMT.

MGMT’s upcoming shows:

Coachella Music Festival, Indio, CA – April 26
Late Night With Conan O’Brien, New York – May 15 at 11:00 p.m.
Lollapalooza, Chicago – August 1

Dear Daily Nuzzo

2008-04-07T13:43:00.003-04:00

Dear Daily Nuzzo,

I'm pretty sure my father doesn't love me. Yesterday he called me a crybaby asshole. Last week when I lost something, he asked me if I ate it. What can I do to win my father's love?

-Anonymous

Dear Crybaby,

It seems to me that you may, in fact, be a crybaby. Why are you asking Daily Nuzzo for advice about serious family issues? I suggest you seek professional help for these kinds of matters, as I am in no way, shape or form certified to answer these deeply emotional questions.

Now that I’ve gotten the legal mumbo jumbo out of the way, here is what I would do. I would run away and/or fake your own death. If your dad cries at the funeral, there is a good chance the he liked you. He may have even loved you. If he doesn’t show up or dances on your grave, then there’s your answer.

This may seem harsh, but in my opinion, is the only surefire way to find out if he really loves you or not. Or you could just ask him, but that’s less fun.

Need advice and have run out of options? Send all your questions on life to dailynuzzo@gmail.com and you may get the answer you’ve been looking for.

My New Year's Resolution

2008-04-07T13:24:00.002-04:00

This year, I decided to make a somewhat reasonable new year’s resolution. No more “go to the gym more” or “drink less” or “save up more money for bail” in 2007. Instead, I vowed to not eat hot dogs unless I was at a baseball game. Now, most people wouldn’t consider this a resolution at all, since most people don’t eat hot dogs on a monthly, weekly, or even a daily basis. But I’m not most people.

So far, I’ve had unbelievable success. Sure, there was that time on St. Patrick’s Day when I inhaled two hot dogs in under 45 seconds, but that was a means of survival. Could you really expect me to drink for 10 hours straight without eating a vital protein/carbohydrate combo?

So Friday night was the big night. The night I was finally allowed to eat a guilt-free hot dog at Yankee stadium. I’m just posting this to say that it was probably the most unbelievably delicious hot dog I ever encountered. Perhaps it was the fact that I didn’t pay for it, but I enjoyed it so much that I decided to eat another hot dog the next day. At Nathan’s Original on Coney Island. While this might be out of my New Year’s guidelines, who can pass up a chance to chow down on an All-American icon while strolling the boardwalk and drinking Russian vodka out of a Sprite bottle? I consider it a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, even though I’ll most likely do it again next weekend.

So what were your new year’s resolutions? And did you stick with them? Knowing my readers, I’d venture to guess that you didn’t. Prove me wrong.

Oh Lenore – Just One Time More

2008-04-07T13:03:00.002-04:00

Okay, so even though I vowed never to write about her on this blog again (see my first post), Lenore Skenazy has finally published her widely-criticized article about letting her son find his way home from a crowded department store on the other side of Manhattan. She claims that her son is 9 years old (not 5 as I had reported) and not only did she give him a subway map, metrocard and $20, but she ALSO gave him quarters. Why? Did she want him to do the laundry while he was at it? Of course not! The quarters were distributed in case he needed to make a call. He’d then have to find a payphone and most likely, learn how to use it. According to Lenore, she didn’t give him her cellphone since she “didn’t want to lose it.”

It seems that she’s implying that she was pretty certain that her child would get lost and never return, since she seemed pretty damn sure that if she gave up her cell phone it wouldn’t make it back. I mean, I’d be more concerned about losing my son than losing a cell phone, but who knows? Maybe it was an iPhone.

Read the article if you must. I loathe Lenore even more than I ever have before (wow) for her burn on Queens at the end. Seriously Lenore, you’re dead to me.

Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone

It's Going Down, Brah

2008-04-04T11:25:00.003-04:00

The Daily Nuzzo Weekend Guide
If you’re like me, and most of you probably are, you have tickets to tonight’s Yankees game. Considering it’s been pouring for the past ten hours, I’d put a heavy wager down that the game will be rained out. So in that case, here’s some other options for tonight and this weekend.

Friday
Watch some heavily-tattooed MMA fighters duke it out in the International Fight League “New Blood, New Battles” fight tonight at 7:30 at the Izod Center in New Jersey. Seeing these men up close is almost as terrifying as their stage names – “The Polish Hammer,” “The Janitor,” “Miltary” – need I list more? You can purchase tickets here.

Saturday
Wanna get wasted? And dance like an idiot? Then head to Galapagos Art Space in Williamsburg, Brooklyn on Saturday night. $5 will get you in and you’ll enjoy free shots of absinthe all night. It tastes like engine coolant but as Samuel L. Jackson would say, “it will get you drrrruuunkkk.”

Sunday
Catch the Cool Kids on Sunday night at 8:00 p.m. at S.O.B.’s (Varick and Houston Streets). This is the first Manhattan show for the Chicago rap duo, and they’re likely to blow up, being named one of the top 10 bands to watch in 2008 by Rolling Stone Magazine.

Culturize Yourself, Bitches
The Orchid Show at the NY Botanical Garden is closing on Sunday, so this is your last chance to see some bomb ass orchids.

Everyone’s talking about it. The Takashi Murakami exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. Complete with a pop-up Louis Vuitton store in the lobby, it’s more of a commercial for the Japanese art star than an actual art installation, but if you like Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku Girls clothing line and art from the land of the rising sun, this is right up your alley.

Enjoy!