Dear Daily Nuzzo

Dear Daily Nuzzo,

Do you know what kind of batteries a TI-83 calculator takes?

Sincerely,
AVH

Dear AVH,

Considering that I took my AP Calculus exam with an abacus, I am completely dumbfounded by this question. No, I do not know what kind of batteries a TI-83 takes nor do I want to know why this is your biggest concern of present time. My advice to you is to put down the calculator and pick up a life on your way home from the nerd factory.

That was kind of harsh. It takes four AAA batteries.

Are you a man? Then act like it, beeyatch.

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Yeah, this means you, [insert your name here if applicable]! So start reading: 75 Skills Every Man Should Master

Unfortunately, blowing up a helicopter with a stolen police car (ala John McClane in Die Hard 4) did not make the list, but I still find that to be a very useful skill.

Dear Daily Nuzzo

Dear Daily Nuzzo,

I'm pretty sure my father doesn't love me. Yesterday he called me a crybaby asshole. Last week when I lost something, he asked me if I ate it. What can I do to win my father's love?

-Anonymous

Dear Crybaby,

It seems to me that you may, in fact, be a crybaby. Why are you asking Daily Nuzzo for advice about serious family issues? I suggest you seek professional help for these kinds of matters, as I am in no way, shape or form certified to answer these deeply emotional questions.

Now that I’ve gotten the legal mumbo jumbo out of the way, here is what I would do. I would run away and/or fake your own death. If your dad cries at the funeral, there is a good chance the he liked you. He may have even loved you. If he doesn’t show up or dances on your grave, then there’s your answer.

This may seem harsh, but in my opinion, is the only surefire way to find out if he really loves you or not. Or you could just ask him, but that’s less fun.

Need advice and have run out of options? Send all your questions on life to dailynuzzo@gmail.com and you may get the answer you’ve been looking for.