Super Secret Mario Brothers

So I just discovered the most ingenious invention from Google yet. A discreet flash version of their original Super Mario Brothers game that you can play while you are on your Google homepage.

Your boss will think that you’re completing that research on the socioeconomic implications for the U.S. if a major natural disaster occurred in one of the BRIC nations. But really, you’re just trying to eat as many mushrooms and jump in as many sewers as you can.

Add Mario to your Google homepage here.

Chi-Town: Too Much Duck, Not Enough Gun Protection Laws.

Not sure if you’ve heard, but Chicagoans are once again allowed to enjoy the delicacy of foie gras at their local French bistros after a preposterous two year ban on the fatty duck liver.

However, there seems to be a direct correlation between the reemergence of foie gras and dangerous crime in the Windy City. Big Brother, aka Google Maps, caught vivid images of a young man pointing a gun at a child yesterday. And it doesn’t stop there. Google Maps even found a white girl flashing the camera the other day in a Chicago suburb. A white girl! Flashing her boobs! On the street!

So heed the advice of Daily Nuzzo and take it easy on the fatty duck liver Chicago. Just because you can now eat like New Yorkers doesn't mean you have to act like New Yorkers. So put down the guns and ducks and pick up a hot dog instead.

Earth Today, Mars 2014

Virgin Group and Google are teaming up to start a human colony on Mars in 2014. Yes, Mars, like the planet and not the delicious candy bar. I find it highly suspicious that they sent out a press release today, on April Fools, but then again, it is Google and they can do whatever the hell they want.

According to Larry Page, co-founder of Google, “we feel that ensuring the survival of the human race by helping it colonize a new planet is both a moral good in and of itself and also the most likely method of ensuring the survival of our best – okay, fine, only -- base of web search volume and advertising inventory,” Page added. “So, you know, it's, like, win-win."

Think you’d like to live in Virgle City, where the planet is run by two mammoth media companies? Sounds pretty similar to Earth, now that I think about. Take this somewhat inappropriate survey to find out if you make the cut for Mars. Apparently, I am not cut out for extraterrestrial voyages, due to the fact that I am “distressingly normal” by Google’s standards. If that's not a slap in the face than I don't know what is.

Live on Mars...for free!