20,000 Fake Mustaches = 20,000 Incredibly Sexy Fans

Jason Giambi has weaned himself off steroids (supposedly) and has grown himself a pretty sick stache. Now a contender in the All Star Game “Final Vote,” where he can earn himself the last available slot on the All Star Team roster, the Yankees organization is pulling out all the tricks to encourage fans to vote. The best albeit most obvious ploy: fake mustaches.

Yankee Stadium will be handing out 20,000 fake mustaches at the game tonight vs. the first-place Devil Rays. This is all part of the “Support the Stache” promotion orchestrated by the Yankees. Ironically, it’s also part of the “I have nothing left to live for, yet alone shave my face in the morning” mission statement of the official Yankees fan club.

Either way, Giambi has my All Star endorsement, along with these kind words from the American Mustache Institute: “Giambi’s significant first-half production as well as his powerful lip fur — indicating great intellect and good looks — make two very compelling reasons for his place on the American League All-Star roster.”

Note - If the phrase “powerful lip fur” is not the coolest thing you’ve ever read, well, then I can only assume that you have no soul, poor reader.

Jason Giambi’s Mustache Ride – New York Magazine

John Sterling – You have what’s coming to you.

So I got a voice message today from John Sterling, the radio sportscaster for the New York Yankees. He was calling to personally inform me that I’m eligible to purchase tickets to the 2008 All-Star Game, being held this year at Yankee Stadium.

My palms started sweating immediately after listening to this message. Before he even finished talking, I was already furiously typing and clicking away to log into my Yankees account at MLB.com. It took 45 minutes for me to get onto the site. When I got there, no options for All-Start ticket purchase could be found.

So I emailed my season ticket representative over at Yankee stadium – let’s call her Katie Confused – to ask why Mr. Sterling promised me All-Start tickets that he could not deliver on.

This is the email response I received:

Danielle,

The recorded phone message you received this morning from John Sterling, was sent out in error to some of our ticket license plan holders. Please disregard the message. Only full, A and B, license plan holders from 2007 and prior are required to pay an invoice. All other plans, C through flex and new 2008 Full, A and B plan licensees, will be eligible for the All Star Game pre sale. The following schedule outlines the dates and times of the All Star week pre sale. Once again you may disregard the message left this morning by John Sterling. In addition you will soon receive a follow up call from John Sterling reminding you of tomorrow’s pre sale. If you have any further questions please let me know.

Sorry for the confusion!
Katie

So John Sterling is going to call me not once but TWICE to tell me about my chance to purchase tickets? Listen Katie, one facetious message from Mr. Sterling is already too much to handle. Unless I receive a dozen roses and a pair of All-Star tickets for seats along the first-base line tomorrow from Mr. Sterling, I’m going to be pissed. And I’m gonna blog about it. Do you know how many people read dailynuzzo.com? At least 12! Expect your phone line to be ringing off the hook with angry readers

But what most concerns me is that such a huge organization as the Yankees, which has all of my credit card information, is erroneously sending out phone calls to thousands of season-ticket holders. I wouldn’t even expect this kind of behavior from the Coney Island Cyclones, Katie. And that’s not saying much, considering that they host rock, paper, scissor contests on the field after the games and all of the outfielders moonlight as amusement park attendants on non-game days.

You can send the roses to my work address, Katie. And be sure to get extra packets of the flower food. Bitch.

LaTroy Hawkins Gives the Fans Something Back: #21

I watched the Yankees-Red Sox game last night at Turtle Bay, a disgusting little bar on 52^nd and 2^nd that offers a “Wednesday Night Recession Special” where local drafts are only $1. Needless to say, by the time Yankees relief pitcher LaTroy Hawkins came in during the sixth inning, I had a few beers too many. In fact, I thought I was so drunk that I was seeing things: LaTroy Hawkins was wearing #22 on his uniform.

To those of my readers who are not avid sports fans, Hawkins started a huge controversy in the NY area when he decided to wear #21 to honor Roberto Clemente. #21 belonged to legendary Paul O’Neill, the beloved Yankees right-fielder who retired in 2001. Seven years later, #21 has not been retired but has also not been worn.

When Hawkins first ran out onto the field this season with #21 on his back, fans were horrified and appalled. They booed and chanted Paul O’Neill, as a subtle reminder to Hawkins that he’s playing in St. Paul’s house. O’Neill was cordial, saying he was appreciative of how many fans still associate that number with him but noted that it was weird to see another Yankee player wear it.

After a lot of negative press and surely, a lot of pressure, Hawkins switched his number last night to #22. Donning Roger Clemen’s old number (who misses him anyway?), the switch served him well: he pitched two scoreless innings and earned the win against the Red Sox. And that’s exactly how Paulie would have wanted it.

Sox Shirt Saga...Part Deux

Okay, so we’ve dug up the shirt. It’s out of the new stadium and out of our minds. All of the Yankees’ problems are solved.

Costing a mere $50,000 to excavate an Ortiz jersey that was buried two feet below the surface, New York has its faith in humanity restored. We’re sending a strong message to our friends up in Boston: No construction worker can mess with our manifest destiny.

I’m just waiting to get my “Big Papi has no curse” tee shirt to replace my “Big Papi has no heart” shirt from the 2005 season. Because even I felt like a dirtbag wearing that one.

NY Post: A Yankee ‘Hex’Cavation (their headline, not mine)

Red Shirt + Cement Mix = Cruising for a Bruising

I’m highly skeptical about this, but the New York Post reported that a construction worker at the new Yankee stadium site deliberately buried a Red Sox shirt in the concrete foundation under what will become the visitors’ clubhouse.

The Boston fan hoped to curse the new home of the Yanks with this stunt and went and bragged about it to all the local papers.

So why are we withholding this man’s name?? And when I say man, I’m using the term very loosely. And since when does the NY Post use unnamed sources? And since when are they sympathetic to the plight of Red Sox fans?

I demand answers to these questions. Don’t think I won’t go to the Yankee Stadium construction site right now and identify the scoundrel myself. I know a liar and a cheater when I see him, and most of the time, he’s wearing a Red Sox cap and steel-toed boots.

Report: Worker tries to jinx Yanks with buried Red Sox shirt

Rain postpones Yankees opener; prolongs inevitable soul-crushing season for fans

It’s a shitty day here in NY, and the gusty winds and rain have postponed today’s scheduled home opener between the Yanks and the Jays until tomorrow at 7:05 p.m. They say rain is good luck on a wedding day, so that must translate to opening days for major sports franchises as well, right? No, seriously…right?

Lots o’ rain equals no game

Stop Snitchin' and Start Shopping

I know a majority of dailynzzo readers are also active gang members, so this post's for you!

Hey readers, why limit your daily gang apparel to just bandanas, heavy diamond chains and large tattoos? Whether you’re a Blood or a Crip, several stores in Brooklyn have just the thing for you: licensed Yankees gear branded with your official gang signs and colors!

Yes, boys and girls, Opening Day is a mere three days away. No longer will you have to choose between wearing your “Stop Snitching” tee shirt or your Yankees jersey when you go out to see the Bronx Bombers. Now you can do both…at once!

Wanna know how? Why, just read this extremely detailed NY Daily News article on where to pick up the goods. But don’t get any crazy ideas now. We all know that the Mets would never allow for this sorta thing. Besides, who’s a Mets fan anyway?