Bike Cops Don't Like Wine, Bras.

Drinking is fun. Being outside near a body of water is also fun. Drinking while being outside near the water is double fun. And apparently, it is also illegal.

As one of my only means of temporary escape from the brutal, brutal work environment of dailynuzzo.com, alcohol is a vital component of my daily life. Whether it’s served in a tall glass of Vodka on the rocks or in a tallboy can of PBR, I enjoy it anyway I can drink it. However, sometimes I feel bad about being trapped in a dark, smelly bar when the sun is blinding babies and giving senior citizens cancer outside.

Yesterday might have been the most beautiful day thus far in NYC, so I decided to enjoy it with a bottle of wine in a park along the West Side Highway. Much to my dismay, just as my companion and I opened the bottle and poured the first Dixie cups, a man with a green shirt on a bike approached us, asking for the bottle. It took me a minute to realize he was a law enforcement officer, as he more closely resembled a summer camp counselor.

He informed us that we could thank the couple next to us, who were visibly having sex on their towel, since he rode his Huffy over to write them up and noticed that we were about to enjoy a nice cold glass of GooseWatch. Being of age (with a few years to spare), I was upset at the fact that I could not enjoy a glass of wine outside in the park on a beautiful summer afternoon. When I told him that I did not realize I couldn’t drink outside, he said I should be ashamed of myself since I’m from NY and there is not one place in New York state where it’s legal to drink in a park. That’s odd, since I can count dozens of times where I’ve drank in the park, including my company softball match last week when a man on a bike sold us bottles of coors light for $1.50 each. I’m just trying to support the local economy here, people.

The “officer” proceeded to write me up, making sure he added in condescending comments as he went along, e.g. “Here is your license AND your summons, Ms. NEWWWZO. Now I’m just going to dump the rest of this wine out here right in front of you and your friend. You can try fighting this in court but even if you win, you’ll have to pay the court fees.”

Well, Park Patrolman Lieber, I will fight this in court as there was no signage that informed me that alcohol was not permitted, and no, I don’t have enough common sense to know that on my own. I’m also going to counter you in court on sexual harassment charges, as you graciously let me know that I could take off my top (AND bra!) in the park and I would not be written up for it.

The court date is on August 15. Wish me luck and feel free to send legal advice and or donations/bail money. I foresee a tiny holding cell and large roommate named Shawna in my future.

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What to Do…This Weekend

Friday

Check out Gogol Bordello at McCarren Park Pool. 3 out of 4 Ukranians agree: best live band in all of NYC metropolitan area. Tickets are only 35 rubles.

Continue your immigrant gyspy dancing at Mehanata Dance Bar, where Gogol Bordello frontman Eugene Hütz is sure to make an appearance as a guest DJ. A knowledge of some Eastern European dialect and a fondness for Zywiec is required for entry.

Saturday
There are over 850 free concerts in the NYC area to celebrate the official first day of summer. Make Music New York is sponsoring the all-day event, including an all day punk fest on Governor’s Island, which they have pathetically renamed Punk Island. Free ferry ride included and the views of Manhattan are pretty sick.

The freaks come out…during the day. It’s the annual Mermaid Parade at Coney Island. Don your finest fins and come out for an all day freak-fest. Eat some hot dogs at Nathans and end the night (and possibly your life) with a roller coaster ride on the notorious Cyclone.

Sunday
After applying some aloe to your sunburned ass cheeks, head out to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for some culture. Check out the Jeff Koons on the Roof installation, which offers some sick sculptures from this American icon. Enjoy a cocktail while you check out the views of Central Park and the city skyline. Also be sure to stop by the Superheroes Fashion and Fantasy exhibit, which features movie costumes and “high-performance sportswear,” aka, neon leotards.

NYPD Provides Subway Riders with Cutting-Edge Technology to Stop Crime. Oh wait, it’s just a keychain.

I was walking out of the Canal street station on my way to work this morning when I noticed something odd. Two cops were handing out flyers to the horde of straphangers getting off the E train. Being as adorably inquisitive as I am, I rushed right over and took a flyer from the man in blue.

But this wasn’t just any old flyer from NY’s finest. This was a FREE gift! For me! It was a tag – a tag for your bag! That says N.Y.P.D. Gear Guard!

I examined the flyer/bag tag combo as I walked up the steps. Does it beep? Does it send out an alarm to the preceint if someone snatches my purse? Is this tag designed by Tommy Hilfiger? Were all questions that ran through my head.

Apparently, the tag is nothing more than a plastic keychain that you snap onto your purse or gym bag that is supposed to ward off evil-doers like some sort of modern-day evil eye. It kinda reminds me of how my brother once placed a Slomin’s Shield sign on our front yard to fake-out all the neighborhood burglars into believing that we could actually afford a home security system.

According to AM NY, the Gear Guard is just one initiative from a 30-officer team effort to decrease petty subway crimes. In the NYPD’s eyes, “there is a world of difference between reading a poster that tells you to keep your property safe and having the officers approach you directly.”

Is there also a world of difference in how much it costs to produce these plastic key chains, on top of the hours spent passing them out, and how much it costs to keep real cops on the street fighting real crime. Take a look at the crime statistics from the week of May 28, 2008 – June 1, 2008 and you’ll see that there were 8 murders and 35 rapes in NYC. And 796 incidences of grand larceny.

I’ll make sure to look at my Gear Guard key chain the next time that someone attempts to slash my wrist to steal my groceries.

New York City Cops by The Strokes

Bodies: The Exhibit. Now with more torture victims!

As many New Yorkers already know, the Bodies exhibit is a creepy, disturbing and surprisingly entertaining place to take someone on a first date. Popular with tourists and middle-schoolers alike, the Bodies exhibit in South Street Seaport is on everyone’s must-see list.

But would it matter if you knew that the exhibits were actually the remains of individuals who may have been tortured and executed in communist China? If you’re like me, then probably no, this does not matter to you at all. In fact, I think it adds that extra zing that most dead bodies are lacking!

However, if you feel like even after 1,000 showers you still wouldn’t be able to scrub all the guilt off you for paying $30 to support both communism and torture, you can get your money back if you still have your ticket stub. I know I do. It’s framed, right next to my tickets from the Auschwitz and Hiroshima guided tours.

'Bodies' Show Must Put Up Warnings - New York Times

Beer Me

Going to Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia for summer vacation? Then you’ll be pleased to know that it will only cost you $1.13 USD for a pint of beer.

I drunkenly stumbled across this great Web site that lists the prices for a pint of lager in every single country in the world. They even break it up by cities. So in NYC you’ll pay $7 a pint. Baltimore, Maryland: $2 a pop.

As Woody Allen once said, “I’m not moving to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right on red.” However, I would move to a city where it was cheaper for me to make rights on red while driving drunk. I’m kidding. Kinda.

Best. Quote. Ever.

The Game, a.k.a. Jayceon Terrell Taylor, is a feud-inducing rapper from my home-away-from-home: Compton, CA. Not only does he have the obligatory tear drop tattoo under his left eye, but he also has the LA Dodgers symbol inscribed on his face! Gangsta!

Anyway, The Game is getting ready to release his much-anticipated third album and recently provided some deep insight into the title:

"I decided on [the title] L.A.X. because that's the major airport here. I figured people fly into LAX coming and going. I consider myself like that airport, because anything coming through and leaving California gotta come through me." —The Game [New York Magazine].

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What To Do This Weekend

I’m heading out to the Yankees game tonight and I’m confident that Chien-Ming Wang can muster up a win against Seattle’s Bedard. That’s sarcasm at its finest. The highlight of the game will be the return of broadcaster Bobby Murcer, who hasn’t worked a game yet this season due to illness. His illness: being sick of the Yankees. I feel ya Murcer, I feel ya.

I’m still on a Coachella high, so here are some weekend concert recommendations – all endorsed with the Daily Nuzzo seal of approval!

Friday
It’s the final night of the Tribeca Film Festival here in New York and there is going to be a serious rock show going down at Webster Hall. The Virgins, The Hold Steady, Republic Tigers and the Bad Veins will all be performing. If you can only make one set, go for The Virgins.

Saturday
The Teenagers play at the Music Hall of Williamsburg and tickets are still available. These Francophiles put on a great live set in Indio and they embrace tee shirts with Leonardo DiCaprio’s face on them. What more could you ask for?

Here’s my favorite tracks from them. Caution! – listen to this with headphones on if you’re at work.

Sunday
Well, I don’t have time to look up Sunday gigs, but I’m sure someone will have a radio on if you visit the Brooklyn Indie Market in Carroll Gardens. The market is open from 11-7 and features clothes, jewelery and other goods from local artists. The market is located under the red-and-white tent on Smith Street and Union Street.

Afterwards, head to MoMA for a screening of Graffiti Research Lab: The complete first season, a featured film in the 2008 Sundance Film Festival. The documentary explores the lives of two friends who quit their day jobs (one was an architect, the other an engineer) to develop high-tech tools for the art of bombing. Stick around for the panel discussion and party afterwards with Graffiti Research Lab and surprise guests.

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What To Do This Weekend

It’s gonna be a great weekend in New York. The weather is beautiful, the Yankees salvaged one from Manny and Co. and it’s my last weekend before the ultimate vacay begins on Monday. It's a celebration, bitches:

Friday
Enjoy the gorgeous weather (78 degrees baby!) by drinking outside. My suggestions are pretty obvious: the Boat Basin on the West side or the Bohemian Beer Hall and Garden, the last original NYC beer garden, located in beautiful Astoria.

After you’re nice and boozed up, go see the live reunion show of our favorite Canadian comedians, The Kids in the Hall. Yes, they are still alive, and they’re playing at Nokia Theatre Times Square all weekend. Purchase tickets here.

Saturday
In a desperate attempt to save the music industry, a slew of record shops across the country will be holding events on Saturday to trick people in actually coming into the store and, perhaps, purchasing an album. If you’re like me, and I’m sure you are, you’re more sentimental about cassette tapes than records, but it’s worth giving it a looksie.

Get all the details on Record Store Day here.

If you are in the NY area, make sure to check these out:

• Regina Spektor is giving a free show at 1:00 p.m. in Brooklyn at Soundfix Records
• Go to Other Music in the East Village from 12:30-5:00 to see members of Tapes ’n Tapes, Black Keys, Deerhunter, Grizzly Bear and Interpol spin tunes.
• And don’t miss the Tapes ‘n Tapes gig later that night at the Music Hall of Williamsburg.

Sunday – 4/20
Get your mind out of the gutter! Well, since you’re already thinking about 420, might as well pick up your Snoop Dogg/311 tickets. The cannibus-encouraging duo will be playing at Coney Island on July 16. Yea, I’ve already got my tickets. They go on sale today…

In celebration of Earth Day on Tuesday, Central Park will be hosting a free concert. Go mingle with other environmentalists freaks and get your carbon offsetting on.

Not sure if you’ve heard, but the Pope is in town. He’ll be delivering a mass at Yankee stadium today, but there’s pretty much no chance in hell that you’re getting tickets. Instead, go drink at Stan’s Sports Bar and try to catch a glimpse of the man in white. Side note: if Benedict knows what’s good for him, he’ll go and bless the new stadium to reverse any possible hex that was placed on it. Just remember, Yankees fans have God on their side.