Hobo is the New Highbrow

I attended a “highbrow BBQ” sponsored by New York Magazine this past weekend and wanted to share my utter disgust with you, attentive reader. A $25 ticket allowed you to attend the event, with promises of a “full set” from indie band Islands; free beer from Sugar Hill Brewery from 1-5 and a gourmet BBQ “meal” from Top Chef contestant CJ Jacobson. Not one of these three promises were met.

Let’s start with the beer: it ran out. After about an hour. I guess they didn’t realize how thirsty we’d all be in the 80 degree weather on an asphalt parking lot along the FDR Drive (which, by the way, they dubbed as New York City’s first solar-powered “Green Energy, Arts, and Education Center”).

Left to our own resources, my friend and I were forced to find other sources of refreshment. A half-full bottle of Patron did the trick, mixed with some warm Vitamin Water. Kinda tasted like a Mexican pospsicle. But less delicious.

Next – the food. While I ate my entire plate along with the scraps from my friend, I was really eating out of contempt. The highbrow BBQ consisted of a poorly-filled pork taco, a piece of corn, some watermelon/tomato salad (albeit delicious) and a small peach cobber. I could have ate about 5 of these dishes and still would have been hungry. It didn’t help to see Chef CJ smoking and drinking in the back near the food. I guess you need to numb the pain with something.

Lastly – the band. I’ve only heard a few songs from Islands and they actually sounded incredible live, despite the poor sound system (most likely due to the fact that it was solar-powered – rock & roll is not ready to go green, I’m sorry). When the lead singer shadowed Ray Charles by putting on a pair of sunglasses that were completely white with paint, I should have known things were taking a turn for the worse. But it wasn’t until he stormed off the stage in the middle of a song, leaving his bandmates in a state of bewilderment and embarrassment that I knew the shit hit the fan. If that wasn’t bad enough, his bandmates had to convince the crowd, or what was left of it, to clap and yell to encourage their narcissistic band leader to come back out on stage to finish the set. White boy came back out, didn’t say a word about what just happened, finished the song, and left. It. Was. Awkward.

All in all, I had fun since the weather was gorgeous and it ended with me and my friend getting a real meal followed by loitering on a bench eating ice cream cones. I also learned some valuable lessons:

1. Don’t expect much from $25 in NYC

2. Tequila can be mixed with anything, as long as you close your eyes and think happy thoughts while drinking it

3. People who wear sunglasses (on purpose) that look like as if they were in a battle with a bottle of white-out are emotionally unstable

Puppy Custody

This is a video of my friend Muller’s puppy. Okay, it’s not really his puppy, but it resides at his house sometimes. Well, only on the weekends. Actually, only on the weekends every other month. Okay, he hired a really cheap lawyer and now he’s going through a terrible custody battle with the puppy’s mother. Leave him alone alright, it’s hard enough that he only gets to see the dog every waning crescent moon.

Lunchtime Exercise

So I brought my running sneakers into work today and was going to go for a quick run along the West Side Highway during my lunch break. (The dailynuzzo captors are now allowing me a one-hour lunch break to comply with Guantanamo standards.) But when I reached into my gym bag, I realized that I brought the wrong pair of shoes.

“Dammit! I brought my BURGER Shoes again. Oh well. I’ll just have to find some ketchup.”

If you’re in the mood for some lunchtime exercise, you can get your pair of Nike Air Max 90 Burger shoes too, designed by some fancy Swedish dude when Nike asked him to create a “Nike sportswear icon.” Because, you know, it’s easy for a Swede to say that American sports and fastfood go hand-in-hand. Those Swedes are always spot-on.

Daily Nuzzo Update – The “As If You Really Care” Edition

There are lots of reasons why I have not updated the blog during the past month. It’s funny, since they are all the same reasons why I started the blog in the first place: bouts of public drunkenness followed by an inevitable sense of shame, rocky relationships with friends and significant others, run-ins with the law, trouble with people/organizations that I’m in debt to, a disappointing baseball season and an overall aversion to being social.

I know I have let the tens of my fans down this past month by not regularly contributing to the blog but I promise you this: it will probably happen again. This kind of reminds me of a sign that I saw in my local Washington Mutual branch the other day, listing the only three things you can depend on in life: taxes, inflation and death.

Things are looking up, up, up!

Man Likes Beverage; Dislikes Lies That Come With It

My friend Olivia works at a well-known and highly-regarded market research firm. Thus, she, along with most of her colleagues, spend the majority of their days interpretating qualitative data, crunching numbers and writing angry letters to the Snapple Beverage Company. Below, I’ve copied an actual email that was sent by Anthony to Snapple:

I must first start by stating that I love your diet lime green tea and diet lemonade iced teas. The only problem I have is that on your diet lemonade iced tea packaging you are attempting to say that “Kris” a “mixologist” at your company created this flavor one day by accident, when clearly this is an existing drink and idea created by Arnold Palmer (also known as a Half and Half). There are other brands that are also selling the same product, and I understand that you cannot actually call your drink an Arnold Palmer (Arizona already does this), but to make up a completely fabricated "cute" story about how the drink was invented is a lie. And though perhaps “Kris” was unaware of what a half and half or Arnold Palmer was and that is already existed, I imagine that as a juice, tea, and drink company you would know of all the varied combinations and drinks available. I guess that it is fitting that a drink that can be characterized as being the perfect mix of sweet (the iced tea) and sour (the lemonade) illicit the same emotions from me as I drink it; I am happy that I have a great tasting diet beverage in my hand, but angered that I have to read propaganda and lies on the side of the bottle.

I have never seen such passion for the written word as I do in this impeccably detailed note. I applaud your efforts Anthony, and perhaps Snapple will respond to you now that your message is going to spread all over the internet, like a beautiful California wildfire. Never deny the pull that the dailynuzzo has on the social media universe.

Baby Tanning...Jihad Planning. We're Going Back to Filly.

“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” is by far the greatest television show ever to grace…the FX network. My friends, September 18 cannot come soon enough.

Bike Cops Don't Like Wine, Bras.

Drinking is fun. Being outside near a body of water is also fun. Drinking while being outside near the water is double fun. And apparently, it is also illegal.

As one of my only means of temporary escape from the brutal, brutal work environment of dailynuzzo.com, alcohol is a vital component of my daily life. Whether it’s served in a tall glass of Vodka on the rocks or in a tallboy can of PBR, I enjoy it anyway I can drink it. However, sometimes I feel bad about being trapped in a dark, smelly bar when the sun is blinding babies and giving senior citizens cancer outside.

Yesterday might have been the most beautiful day thus far in NYC, so I decided to enjoy it with a bottle of wine in a park along the West Side Highway. Much to my dismay, just as my companion and I opened the bottle and poured the first Dixie cups, a man with a green shirt on a bike approached us, asking for the bottle. It took me a minute to realize he was a law enforcement officer, as he more closely resembled a summer camp counselor.

He informed us that we could thank the couple next to us, who were visibly having sex on their towel, since he rode his Huffy over to write them up and noticed that we were about to enjoy a nice cold glass of GooseWatch. Being of age (with a few years to spare), I was upset at the fact that I could not enjoy a glass of wine outside in the park on a beautiful summer afternoon. When I told him that I did not realize I couldn’t drink outside, he said I should be ashamed of myself since I’m from NY and there is not one place in New York state where it’s legal to drink in a park. That’s odd, since I can count dozens of times where I’ve drank in the park, including my company softball match last week when a man on a bike sold us bottles of coors light for $1.50 each. I’m just trying to support the local economy here, people.

The “officer” proceeded to write me up, making sure he added in condescending comments as he went along, e.g. “Here is your license AND your summons, Ms. NEWWWZO. Now I’m just going to dump the rest of this wine out here right in front of you and your friend. You can try fighting this in court but even if you win, you’ll have to pay the court fees.”

Well, Park Patrolman Lieber, I will fight this in court as there was no signage that informed me that alcohol was not permitted, and no, I don’t have enough common sense to know that on my own. I’m also going to counter you in court on sexual harassment charges, as you graciously let me know that I could take off my top (AND bra!) in the park and I would not be written up for it.

The court date is on August 15. Wish me luck and feel free to send legal advice and or donations/bail money. I foresee a tiny holding cell and large roommate named Shawna in my future.

Lil Wayne: Musical Genius, Political Revolutionary

As you all know, daily nuzzo supports only the finer things in life, such as French artisinal restaurants, nights at the opera, Moet, and now, Lil’ Wayne. Saying that Weezy is a musical genius and should be considered the Beethoven of our time is an understatement. His lyrics and carefully-orchestrated beats can be compared to the sound of a butterfly’s wings fluttering in the breeze on a warm summer night. And he has tattoos…on his face.

That is why I’m hesitant to say that a cover of Lil Wayne’s “A Milli” track is even better than the original. Well, it is. I don’t know who A.P.T. is, but they have my ill-na-na level of approval. And yes, daily nuzzo officially endorses Obama for President.

20,000 Fake Mustaches = 20,000 Incredibly Sexy Fans

Jason Giambi has weaned himself off steroids (supposedly) and has grown himself a pretty sick stache. Now a contender in the All Star Game “Final Vote,” where he can earn himself the last available slot on the All Star Team roster, the Yankees organization is pulling out all the tricks to encourage fans to vote. The best albeit most obvious ploy: fake mustaches.

Yankee Stadium will be handing out 20,000 fake mustaches at the game tonight vs. the first-place Devil Rays. This is all part of the “Support the Stache” promotion orchestrated by the Yankees. Ironically, it’s also part of the “I have nothing left to live for, yet alone shave my face in the morning” mission statement of the official Yankees fan club.

Either way, Giambi has my All Star endorsement, along with these kind words from the American Mustache Institute: “Giambi’s significant first-half production as well as his powerful lip fur — indicating great intellect and good looks — make two very compelling reasons for his place on the American League All-Star roster.”

Note - If the phrase “powerful lip fur” is not the coolest thing you’ve ever read, well, then I can only assume that you have no soul, poor reader.

Jason Giambi’s Mustache Ride – New York Magazine