Bike Cops Don't Like Wine, Bras.

Drinking is fun. Being outside near a body of water is also fun. Drinking while being outside near the water is double fun. And apparently, it is also illegal.

As one of my only means of temporary escape from the brutal, brutal work environment of dailynuzzo.com, alcohol is a vital component of my daily life. Whether it’s served in a tall glass of Vodka on the rocks or in a tallboy can of PBR, I enjoy it anyway I can drink it. However, sometimes I feel bad about being trapped in a dark, smelly bar when the sun is blinding babies and giving senior citizens cancer outside.

Yesterday might have been the most beautiful day thus far in NYC, so I decided to enjoy it with a bottle of wine in a park along the West Side Highway. Much to my dismay, just as my companion and I opened the bottle and poured the first Dixie cups, a man with a green shirt on a bike approached us, asking for the bottle. It took me a minute to realize he was a law enforcement officer, as he more closely resembled a summer camp counselor.

He informed us that we could thank the couple next to us, who were visibly having sex on their towel, since he rode his Huffy over to write them up and noticed that we were about to enjoy a nice cold glass of GooseWatch. Being of age (with a few years to spare), I was upset at the fact that I could not enjoy a glass of wine outside in the park on a beautiful summer afternoon. When I told him that I did not realize I couldn’t drink outside, he said I should be ashamed of myself since I’m from NY and there is not one place in New York state where it’s legal to drink in a park. That’s odd, since I can count dozens of times where I’ve drank in the park, including my company softball match last week when a man on a bike sold us bottles of coors light for $1.50 each. I’m just trying to support the local economy here, people.

The “officer” proceeded to write me up, making sure he added in condescending comments as he went along, e.g. “Here is your license AND your summons, Ms. NEWWWZO. Now I’m just going to dump the rest of this wine out here right in front of you and your friend. You can try fighting this in court but even if you win, you’ll have to pay the court fees.”

Well, Park Patrolman Lieber, I will fight this in court as there was no signage that informed me that alcohol was not permitted, and no, I don’t have enough common sense to know that on my own. I’m also going to counter you in court on sexual harassment charges, as you graciously let me know that I could take off my top (AND bra!) in the park and I would not be written up for it.

The court date is on August 15. Wish me luck and feel free to send legal advice and or donations/bail money. I foresee a tiny holding cell and large roommate named Shawna in my future.

Lil Wayne: Musical Genius, Political Revolutionary

As you all know, daily nuzzo supports only the finer things in life, such as French artisinal restaurants, nights at the opera, Moet, and now, Lil’ Wayne. Saying that Weezy is a musical genius and should be considered the Beethoven of our time is an understatement. His lyrics and carefully-orchestrated beats can be compared to the sound of a butterfly’s wings fluttering in the breeze on a warm summer night. And he has tattoos…on his face.

That is why I’m hesitant to say that a cover of Lil Wayne’s “A Milli” track is even better than the original. Well, it is. I don’t know who A.P.T. is, but they have my ill-na-na level of approval. And yes, daily nuzzo officially endorses Obama for President.

20,000 Fake Mustaches = 20,000 Incredibly Sexy Fans

Jason Giambi has weaned himself off steroids (supposedly) and has grown himself a pretty sick stache. Now a contender in the All Star Game “Final Vote,” where he can earn himself the last available slot on the All Star Team roster, the Yankees organization is pulling out all the tricks to encourage fans to vote. The best albeit most obvious ploy: fake mustaches.

Yankee Stadium will be handing out 20,000 fake mustaches at the game tonight vs. the first-place Devil Rays. This is all part of the “Support the Stache” promotion orchestrated by the Yankees. Ironically, it’s also part of the “I have nothing left to live for, yet alone shave my face in the morning” mission statement of the official Yankees fan club.

Either way, Giambi has my All Star endorsement, along with these kind words from the American Mustache Institute: “Giambi’s significant first-half production as well as his powerful lip fur — indicating great intellect and good looks — make two very compelling reasons for his place on the American League All-Star roster.”

Note - If the phrase “powerful lip fur” is not the coolest thing you’ve ever read, well, then I can only assume that you have no soul, poor reader.

Jason Giambi’s Mustache Ride – New York Magazine

Daily Nuzzo: Now with More Grammar!

Good news readers! The Associated Press Stylebook, aka the journalism student/high school dropout’s Bible, will be updated to include online and social media components. Right now, when I flip through my AP book, which was purchased my freshman year in college (82 B.C.), there is no entry for blog, podcast or dailynuzzo. Now, all of these items will be included and thoroughly scrutinized by the AP!

You can all rejoice in the fact that you will no longer have to silently hold back your rage at my atrocious run-on sentences and dangling modifiers. Once someone pays for and sends me this book, you’ll be seeing Newsday-worthy writing in no time!

AP Stylebook No Longer "Mentally Retarded" – Gawker.com

Island Time

A thought popped into my mind the other day regarding the age-old question of “if you could pick someone to be stranded on a desert island with, who would it be?”

Since I don’t have any real desire to drag along a potentially annoying/cannibalistic friend to ruin my happy time in the tropics, my answer used to be an iPhone. Used to be…until I saw this!

Now I need to think about who else I could bring, since I’m nearly certain that the inevitable yet bizarre blending accident in Aitutaki would claim the life of my only friend. Perhaps Wilson would be a better choice.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do More Muslim

Sometimes, on extremely rare occasions, I come across a blog that is almost as entertaining as dailynuzzo.com. Again, this is very rare. Like Haley’s Comet rare. Anywho, my friend (knowing my penchant for theology) sent me a link to this blog that lists all of the things that are “more Muslim” than Barack Obama.

This cat is obviously more Muslim than Obama according to the following indications of Muslimness:

-traditional Muslim garb, including head scarf
-facial hair, aka whiskers
-belt made out of dynamite

Apparently, I would also be considered more Muslim than Obama due to my undying love of Middle Eastern delicacies, particularly falafel, hummus and ingesting hookah smoke. Hookah counts as a delicacy, right?

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What to Do…This Weekend

Friday

Check out Gogol Bordello at McCarren Park Pool. 3 out of 4 Ukranians agree: best live band in all of NYC metropolitan area. Tickets are only 35 rubles.

Continue your immigrant gyspy dancing at Mehanata Dance Bar, where Gogol Bordello frontman Eugene Hütz is sure to make an appearance as a guest DJ. A knowledge of some Eastern European dialect and a fondness for Zywiec is required for entry.

Saturday
There are over 850 free concerts in the NYC area to celebrate the official first day of summer. Make Music New York is sponsoring the all-day event, including an all day punk fest on Governor’s Island, which they have pathetically renamed Punk Island. Free ferry ride included and the views of Manhattan are pretty sick.

The freaks come out…during the day. It’s the annual Mermaid Parade at Coney Island. Don your finest fins and come out for an all day freak-fest. Eat some hot dogs at Nathans and end the night (and possibly your life) with a roller coaster ride on the notorious Cyclone.

Sunday
After applying some aloe to your sunburned ass cheeks, head out to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for some culture. Check out the Jeff Koons on the Roof installation, which offers some sick sculptures from this American icon. Enjoy a cocktail while you check out the views of Central Park and the city skyline. Also be sure to stop by the Superheroes Fashion and Fantasy exhibit, which features movie costumes and “high-performance sportswear,” aka, neon leotards.

I’ll have a tall falsie with extra head, please.

Have you noticed that it’s been taking you longer and costing you more money to get drunk lately? Don’t worry, it’s probably not a serious alcohol dependency problem. No, the blame is not on you, beer guzzler, but rather on your glass.

According to the Wall Street Journal, several bars and restaurants around the country have been serving pints of beer in 14 oz thick-bottomed glasses, as opposed to a standard pint of 16 oz. Bartenders are charging the same amount for beer served in the “falsie” glass as they are for the standard glass.

The article states that Hooters, the top-notch dining establishment, serves draft beer in 14-ounce glasses in Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky and Tennessee, and regular pint glasses in other states. Which is a bit strange, since I thought all Hooters franchises served “falsies” on the regular. Oh wait, I think I’m confusing pint glasses with their waitresses’ breasts. I hate it when that happens.

“A Pint Sized Problem”, Wall Street Journal

New York Times Pulls a Fast One on Daily Nuzzo

In more geographical news, the New York Times blatantly stole my idea about going to each ball park in the U.S. and writing a book about the differences in hot dog quality and style in each stadium. Well, they didn’t write an entire book on it. And it wasn’t exclusively focused on hot dogs. But still. I’m kinda pissed.

Finding the Hits, Avoiding the Errors – NYT Interactive Map

I must admit, this is actually pretty cool. However, I dispute the following:

1. Wrigley Field – the hot dogs are delicious. Poppyseed bun, relish, pickles, tomatoes. What more can you ask for?
2. Yankee Stadium – how come the sugar cookies from the bakery on the ground level were not included? Where else can you take a bite out of A-Rod’s face without it getting written up in the Post the next day?
3. Dodgers Stadium – the garlic fries, albeit soggy with oily deliciousness, are not to be passed up.
4. U.S. Cellular Field (Chicago White Sox) – Try the foie gras. It's to die for.

I’ll allow the New York Times to revise their story, but just this once. You’re skating on thin ice, Times, very thin ice!