You Know You're Drunk When...

My friends and I have contemplated running a blog that is solely dedicated to identifying standard characteristics associated with being drunk. While I am all for this idea, the slave-drivers over at dailynuzzo frown upon moonlighting.

Well, I’ve decided that I can dedicate a column every now and again to this topic, so please send me any “you know you’re drunk when [complete blank here]” incidents and I’ll post a round-up story.

Since I’m a narcissist, I’m not going to provide details on any of my own embarrassing intoxication stories. Instead, I’ll just tell you stories about other people. Here goes:

This morning, I was awoken at 5:21 a.m. by a phone call from a strange number with a 917 area code. Of course, I didn’t pick up, and prayed prayed, prayed that they would leave a voicemail. Well, Lord, my prayers have been answered.

Exact transcript of the voice message follows:

Hey danielle, this is john. met you in the emerald a couple of weeks ago…and I was a little bit drunk and I totally fell in love with you. And just wondered if you want to meet up. Give us a call back. Love to see you again…miss you a lot. Give us a call. Anytime.

Now, re-read this passage aloud, but this time, say it using a heavy Irish brogue. That should give you a clearer picture of my experience this morning.

While I am guilty of frequenting the Emerald Pub, mainly due to the fact that I don’t pay for drinks since my friend shamelessly flirts with the bartender and tells her that she looks like Lindsay Lohan, I am not guilty of passing out my phone number to this Irish “John.” I find the whole incident beyond disturbing, especially since he refers to himself in the plural tense. I have no idea where he got my number, unless he got it from our bartender friend – yes, we’re that close – and if that is the case, she will have some explaining to do. Yeah, I’m talking to you Veronica.

So, in conclusion, you know you’re really drunk when you call a stranger at 5:00 a.m. on a Tuesday night because you just can’t wait to tell them how you fell in love with them and that you really, really miss them.