Eating Cake, Running Laps, Taking Names.

So my friend Michelle is one of those super-successful, over-achieving, gorgeous, intelligent, funny, perfect girl-next-door types that enjoys tutoring illiterate children and knitting scarves for the homeless in her spare time. She also likes to run 20 miles at 5:00 in the morning before she goes to work for 14 hours as a rising accountant at a major firm.

Naturally, she's running the NYC Marathon this Sunday for charity - Team Continuum, a non-profit that is dedicated to taking immediate care of anyone involved in fighting cancer. As I'm sure that the majority of people out there have had a family member or friend who's been affected by cancer, this is truly a noble cause.

This is why I'm asking you to donate to Michelle's charity run. Instead of dropping $12 on an appletini or $15 on a gourmet cheeseburger this Thursday night, give it to Michelle, who is far more responsible (both fiscally and physically) than you or I!

You can donate directly to her Web site: http://www.teamcontinuum.net/athlete_page.asp?eid=22&uid=82871.

While we all can't eat cake, drink Stoli and run 26.2 like Michelle, we can at least help her along the way. Go L!

An Open Letter to T.I.

Dear T.I.,

I love your new hit single, “whatever you like.” However, I don’t think I’d really like stacks on deck nor would I enjoy patron no ice (although I do like to pop bottles all night). Since you’ve opened up the stage for suggestions, here’s a list of things that I’d like you to provide:

1. Unlimited car service – No longer will I have to trudge onto the subway everyday to get back and forth to work with all the plebes. Public transportation does not bide well for a woman with an overactive sweat gland or slightly wavy hair. Not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything.
2. Lifetime supply of Pocky – this Japanese treat is utterly delicious and comes in a gazillion flavors. I’d like a new flavor each week, to be delivered by a different Jiu Jitsu fighter.
3. Daylight Savings all year round – I want that extra hour of sleep all year, not just in the dead of winter. Make it happen King.
4. Abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn – for last-minute DJ/Robot parties and for my seamonkey-importing business.
5. Reuben’s Empenadas chef on call – so I can have the spicy chicken empanada whenever I like
6. The 1998 Yankees team back together – make it work
7. An iPhone – seriously, who doesn’t want one?

Thank you in advance for fulfilling these requests.

xoxo,

Daily Nuzzo

Jersey

I'm really looking forward to going to NEW JERSEY tonight for a pre-Halloween costume party. I'm even more excited to go to the Jerz after seeing this illustration of my friend Olivia on her lunch break today.
Please note the red bull and sambas along with the gray grandma cardigan - spot on. This illustration looks more like it was created with a digital Nikkon camera than Microsoft Paint.

Anywho, I hope my robot costume will help protect me tonight from the bears that apparently run rampant in the smelly next-door-neighbor state to New York.

Dailynuzzo Seeks White or Black Single Audience

As you may or may not know, the entire U.S. economy is collapsing before our very eyes. With each new day comes a new sob story for another major U.S. financial institution. That being said, I've been very busy at my real job (riding unicorns and painting rainbows in the sky).

So, just wanted to add a quick post to satisfy my readers' hunger for the daily dose of dailynuzzo.

I saw this interesting ad on craigslist (don't ask why I was perusing the personal ads) and think it might be the most pathetic yet ingenious way to get back at a sibling.

Here are some highlights:

"Hi, I am looking for someone who wants to be my absolutely terrible girlfriend. Why? To help make my sister realize that it really sucks when your sibling dates someone awful...like her current boyfriend...I need someone who is going to be truly awful, not just on the outside, but inside as well. Candidates should be painful to be around, obnoxious, thoughtless and immature. She should use terms like, "tragic," "as if" and various internet terms like "omg," "lol," "jk," etc."

And what do I get in return?

"In return for your "companionship," you can expect quality dinners, drinks, music and other forms of entertainment. Should our relationship linger (as my sister's relationship lingers), there is potential for jewelry, trips and other more lavish gifts. Since I am committed to this project, I am prepared to match my sister's relationship status tit-for-tat, up to and including engagement and marriage. If you do manage to break them up, we can happily end our relationship (you keep all merchandise, of course) and you will be my best friend for life."

Wow, this sounds like a win-win. It's just a shame I'm not qualified to act as the annoying girlfriend type. I'm really, really bad at acting.

Call Me...The Mojito Man

You encounter lots of different characters in Central Park on a Sunday afternoon: tourists, families, college students, joggers, rollerbladers, bums, rats, etc. But on a recent outing to throw the Frisbee around, I took note of a separate breed of park dwellers: the alcohol pushers. These peddlers walk around and sell bottles of water, soda, cans of miller light and other quality beers to people like me, who do not plan ahead and supply their own beverage to relinquish their thirst. These field peddlers are a normal component of the park society, as they often supply my company softball team with cans of coors light before the game to help us get pumped up, as well as after the game to help us drown our sorrows.

But I noticed something different on Sunday. A man carrying around a blender (with no cord) offering to make mojitos, daquiris and other tasty blended beverages. A more perfect idea simply does not exist. This man is set out to make millions, as he apparently is the only person in all of Central Park that is equipped to take on such a task. I asked him about his business strategy and he informed me that he’s been written about everywhere, which apparently only consists of Time Out NY and the New Yorker. I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. This guy? In the New Yorker? Come on, they don’t profile desolate street bums in the New Yorker, one of the most well-respected literary publications of modern day times.

Well…apparently they do. The Mojito Man’s real name is Junius. He carries a cordless Black & Decker blender with him. And the New Yorker claims “one of the most enterprising men ever to vend without a license in the Park.” And apparently his genius idea is paying off, as Junius cleans up at about nine hundred dollars each week and plans to vacation in Hawaii during the off-season to run the Honolulu Marathon.

My favorite part of the article is when Junius describes how this stroke of genius came to him via divine intervention:

“I walked into an Odd Job store on Fourteenth Street, and there was a shelf full of Black & Decker cordless blenders. I hadn’t even known such a thing existed. I said to myself, ‘That’s divine intervention!’ I bought three. Spent everything I had in my pocket. The next day, I went back, and the blenders were all gone. I haven’t come across one since. Divine intervention!”

I will never judge a man carrying around a cordless blender, and smelling like the East River, ever again.

Hobo is the New Highbrow

I attended a “highbrow BBQ” sponsored by New York Magazine this past weekend and wanted to share my utter disgust with you, attentive reader. A $25 ticket allowed you to attend the event, with promises of a “full set” from indie band Islands; free beer from Sugar Hill Brewery from 1-5 and a gourmet BBQ “meal” from Top Chef contestant CJ Jacobson. Not one of these three promises were met.

Let’s start with the beer: it ran out. After about an hour. I guess they didn’t realize how thirsty we’d all be in the 80 degree weather on an asphalt parking lot along the FDR Drive (which, by the way, they dubbed as New York City’s first solar-powered “Green Energy, Arts, and Education Center”).

Left to our own resources, my friend and I were forced to find other sources of refreshment. A half-full bottle of Patron did the trick, mixed with some warm Vitamin Water. Kinda tasted like a Mexican pospsicle. But less delicious.

Next – the food. While I ate my entire plate along with the scraps from my friend, I was really eating out of contempt. The highbrow BBQ consisted of a poorly-filled pork taco, a piece of corn, some watermelon/tomato salad (albeit delicious) and a small peach cobber. I could have ate about 5 of these dishes and still would have been hungry. It didn’t help to see Chef CJ smoking and drinking in the back near the food. I guess you need to numb the pain with something.

Lastly – the band. I’ve only heard a few songs from Islands and they actually sounded incredible live, despite the poor sound system (most likely due to the fact that it was solar-powered – rock & roll is not ready to go green, I’m sorry). When the lead singer shadowed Ray Charles by putting on a pair of sunglasses that were completely white with paint, I should have known things were taking a turn for the worse. But it wasn’t until he stormed off the stage in the middle of a song, leaving his bandmates in a state of bewilderment and embarrassment that I knew the shit hit the fan. If that wasn’t bad enough, his bandmates had to convince the crowd, or what was left of it, to clap and yell to encourage their narcissistic band leader to come back out on stage to finish the set. White boy came back out, didn’t say a word about what just happened, finished the song, and left. It. Was. Awkward.

All in all, I had fun since the weather was gorgeous and it ended with me and my friend getting a real meal followed by loitering on a bench eating ice cream cones. I also learned some valuable lessons:

1. Don’t expect much from $25 in NYC

2. Tequila can be mixed with anything, as long as you close your eyes and think happy thoughts while drinking it

3. People who wear sunglasses (on purpose) that look like as if they were in a battle with a bottle of white-out are emotionally unstable

Puppy Custody

This is a video of my friend Muller’s puppy. Okay, it’s not really his puppy, but it resides at his house sometimes. Well, only on the weekends. Actually, only on the weekends every other month. Okay, he hired a really cheap lawyer and now he’s going through a terrible custody battle with the puppy’s mother. Leave him alone alright, it’s hard enough that he only gets to see the dog every waning crescent moon.

Lunchtime Exercise

So I brought my running sneakers into work today and was going to go for a quick run along the West Side Highway during my lunch break. (The dailynuzzo captors are now allowing me a one-hour lunch break to comply with Guantanamo standards.) But when I reached into my gym bag, I realized that I brought the wrong pair of shoes.

“Dammit! I brought my BURGER Shoes again. Oh well. I’ll just have to find some ketchup.”

If you’re in the mood for some lunchtime exercise, you can get your pair of Nike Air Max 90 Burger shoes too, designed by some fancy Swedish dude when Nike asked him to create a “Nike sportswear icon.” Because, you know, it’s easy for a Swede to say that American sports and fastfood go hand-in-hand. Those Swedes are always spot-on.

Daily Nuzzo Update – The “As If You Really Care” Edition

There are lots of reasons why I have not updated the blog during the past month. It’s funny, since they are all the same reasons why I started the blog in the first place: bouts of public drunkenness followed by an inevitable sense of shame, rocky relationships with friends and significant others, run-ins with the law, trouble with people/organizations that I’m in debt to, a disappointing baseball season and an overall aversion to being social.

I know I have let the tens of my fans down this past month by not regularly contributing to the blog but I promise you this: it will probably happen again. This kind of reminds me of a sign that I saw in my local Washington Mutual branch the other day, listing the only three things you can depend on in life: taxes, inflation and death.

Things are looking up, up, up!

Man Likes Beverage; Dislikes Lies That Come With It

My friend Olivia works at a well-known and highly-regarded market research firm. Thus, she, along with most of her colleagues, spend the majority of their days interpretating qualitative data, crunching numbers and writing angry letters to the Snapple Beverage Company. Below, I’ve copied an actual email that was sent by Anthony to Snapple:

I must first start by stating that I love your diet lime green tea and diet lemonade iced teas. The only problem I have is that on your diet lemonade iced tea packaging you are attempting to say that “Kris” a “mixologist” at your company created this flavor one day by accident, when clearly this is an existing drink and idea created by Arnold Palmer (also known as a Half and Half). There are other brands that are also selling the same product, and I understand that you cannot actually call your drink an Arnold Palmer (Arizona already does this), but to make up a completely fabricated "cute" story about how the drink was invented is a lie. And though perhaps “Kris” was unaware of what a half and half or Arnold Palmer was and that is already existed, I imagine that as a juice, tea, and drink company you would know of all the varied combinations and drinks available. I guess that it is fitting that a drink that can be characterized as being the perfect mix of sweet (the iced tea) and sour (the lemonade) illicit the same emotions from me as I drink it; I am happy that I have a great tasting diet beverage in my hand, but angered that I have to read propaganda and lies on the side of the bottle.

I have never seen such passion for the written word as I do in this impeccably detailed note. I applaud your efforts Anthony, and perhaps Snapple will respond to you now that your message is going to spread all over the internet, like a beautiful California wildfire. Never deny the pull that the dailynuzzo has on the social media universe.

Baby Tanning...Jihad Planning. We're Going Back to Filly.

“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” is by far the greatest television show ever to grace…the FX network. My friends, September 18 cannot come soon enough.

Bike Cops Don't Like Wine, Bras.

Drinking is fun. Being outside near a body of water is also fun. Drinking while being outside near the water is double fun. And apparently, it is also illegal.

As one of my only means of temporary escape from the brutal, brutal work environment of dailynuzzo.com, alcohol is a vital component of my daily life. Whether it’s served in a tall glass of Vodka on the rocks or in a tallboy can of PBR, I enjoy it anyway I can drink it. However, sometimes I feel bad about being trapped in a dark, smelly bar when the sun is blinding babies and giving senior citizens cancer outside.

Yesterday might have been the most beautiful day thus far in NYC, so I decided to enjoy it with a bottle of wine in a park along the West Side Highway. Much to my dismay, just as my companion and I opened the bottle and poured the first Dixie cups, a man with a green shirt on a bike approached us, asking for the bottle. It took me a minute to realize he was a law enforcement officer, as he more closely resembled a summer camp counselor.

He informed us that we could thank the couple next to us, who were visibly having sex on their towel, since he rode his Huffy over to write them up and noticed that we were about to enjoy a nice cold glass of GooseWatch. Being of age (with a few years to spare), I was upset at the fact that I could not enjoy a glass of wine outside in the park on a beautiful summer afternoon. When I told him that I did not realize I couldn’t drink outside, he said I should be ashamed of myself since I’m from NY and there is not one place in New York state where it’s legal to drink in a park. That’s odd, since I can count dozens of times where I’ve drank in the park, including my company softball match last week when a man on a bike sold us bottles of coors light for $1.50 each. I’m just trying to support the local economy here, people.

The “officer” proceeded to write me up, making sure he added in condescending comments as he went along, e.g. “Here is your license AND your summons, Ms. NEWWWZO. Now I’m just going to dump the rest of this wine out here right in front of you and your friend. You can try fighting this in court but even if you win, you’ll have to pay the court fees.”

Well, Park Patrolman Lieber, I will fight this in court as there was no signage that informed me that alcohol was not permitted, and no, I don’t have enough common sense to know that on my own. I’m also going to counter you in court on sexual harassment charges, as you graciously let me know that I could take off my top (AND bra!) in the park and I would not be written up for it.

The court date is on August 15. Wish me luck and feel free to send legal advice and or donations/bail money. I foresee a tiny holding cell and large roommate named Shawna in my future.

Lil Wayne: Musical Genius, Political Revolutionary

As you all know, daily nuzzo supports only the finer things in life, such as French artisinal restaurants, nights at the opera, Moet, and now, Lil’ Wayne. Saying that Weezy is a musical genius and should be considered the Beethoven of our time is an understatement. His lyrics and carefully-orchestrated beats can be compared to the sound of a butterfly’s wings fluttering in the breeze on a warm summer night. And he has tattoos…on his face.

That is why I’m hesitant to say that a cover of Lil Wayne’s “A Milli” track is even better than the original. Well, it is. I don’t know who A.P.T. is, but they have my ill-na-na level of approval. And yes, daily nuzzo officially endorses Obama for President.

20,000 Fake Mustaches = 20,000 Incredibly Sexy Fans

Jason Giambi has weaned himself off steroids (supposedly) and has grown himself a pretty sick stache. Now a contender in the All Star Game “Final Vote,” where he can earn himself the last available slot on the All Star Team roster, the Yankees organization is pulling out all the tricks to encourage fans to vote. The best albeit most obvious ploy: fake mustaches.

Yankee Stadium will be handing out 20,000 fake mustaches at the game tonight vs. the first-place Devil Rays. This is all part of the “Support the Stache” promotion orchestrated by the Yankees. Ironically, it’s also part of the “I have nothing left to live for, yet alone shave my face in the morning” mission statement of the official Yankees fan club.

Either way, Giambi has my All Star endorsement, along with these kind words from the American Mustache Institute: “Giambi’s significant first-half production as well as his powerful lip fur — indicating great intellect and good looks — make two very compelling reasons for his place on the American League All-Star roster.”

Note - If the phrase “powerful lip fur” is not the coolest thing you’ve ever read, well, then I can only assume that you have no soul, poor reader.

Jason Giambi’s Mustache Ride – New York Magazine

Daily Nuzzo: Now with More Grammar!

Good news readers! The Associated Press Stylebook, aka the journalism student/high school dropout’s Bible, will be updated to include online and social media components. Right now, when I flip through my AP book, which was purchased my freshman year in college (82 B.C.), there is no entry for blog, podcast or dailynuzzo. Now, all of these items will be included and thoroughly scrutinized by the AP!

You can all rejoice in the fact that you will no longer have to silently hold back your rage at my atrocious run-on sentences and dangling modifiers. Once someone pays for and sends me this book, you’ll be seeing Newsday-worthy writing in no time!

AP Stylebook No Longer "Mentally Retarded" – Gawker.com

Island Time

A thought popped into my mind the other day regarding the age-old question of “if you could pick someone to be stranded on a desert island with, who would it be?”

Since I don’t have any real desire to drag along a potentially annoying/cannibalistic friend to ruin my happy time in the tropics, my answer used to be an iPhone. Used to be…until I saw this!

Now I need to think about who else I could bring, since I’m nearly certain that the inevitable yet bizarre blending accident in Aitutaki would claim the life of my only friend. Perhaps Wilson would be a better choice.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do More Muslim

Sometimes, on extremely rare occasions, I come across a blog that is almost as entertaining as dailynuzzo.com. Again, this is very rare. Like Haley’s Comet rare. Anywho, my friend (knowing my penchant for theology) sent me a link to this blog that lists all of the things that are “more Muslim” than Barack Obama.

This cat is obviously more Muslim than Obama according to the following indications of Muslimness:

-traditional Muslim garb, including head scarf
-facial hair, aka whiskers
-belt made out of dynamite

Apparently, I would also be considered more Muslim than Obama due to my undying love of Middle Eastern delicacies, particularly falafel, hummus and ingesting hookah smoke. Hookah counts as a delicacy, right?

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What to Do…This Weekend

Friday

Check out Gogol Bordello at McCarren Park Pool. 3 out of 4 Ukranians agree: best live band in all of NYC metropolitan area. Tickets are only 35 rubles.

Continue your immigrant gyspy dancing at Mehanata Dance Bar, where Gogol Bordello frontman Eugene Hütz is sure to make an appearance as a guest DJ. A knowledge of some Eastern European dialect and a fondness for Zywiec is required for entry.

Saturday
There are over 850 free concerts in the NYC area to celebrate the official first day of summer. Make Music New York is sponsoring the all-day event, including an all day punk fest on Governor’s Island, which they have pathetically renamed Punk Island. Free ferry ride included and the views of Manhattan are pretty sick.

The freaks come out…during the day. It’s the annual Mermaid Parade at Coney Island. Don your finest fins and come out for an all day freak-fest. Eat some hot dogs at Nathans and end the night (and possibly your life) with a roller coaster ride on the notorious Cyclone.

Sunday
After applying some aloe to your sunburned ass cheeks, head out to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for some culture. Check out the Jeff Koons on the Roof installation, which offers some sick sculptures from this American icon. Enjoy a cocktail while you check out the views of Central Park and the city skyline. Also be sure to stop by the Superheroes Fashion and Fantasy exhibit, which features movie costumes and “high-performance sportswear,” aka, neon leotards.

I’ll have a tall falsie with extra head, please.

Have you noticed that it’s been taking you longer and costing you more money to get drunk lately? Don’t worry, it’s probably not a serious alcohol dependency problem. No, the blame is not on you, beer guzzler, but rather on your glass.

According to the Wall Street Journal, several bars and restaurants around the country have been serving pints of beer in 14 oz thick-bottomed glasses, as opposed to a standard pint of 16 oz. Bartenders are charging the same amount for beer served in the “falsie” glass as they are for the standard glass.

The article states that Hooters, the top-notch dining establishment, serves draft beer in 14-ounce glasses in Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky and Tennessee, and regular pint glasses in other states. Which is a bit strange, since I thought all Hooters franchises served “falsies” on the regular. Oh wait, I think I’m confusing pint glasses with their waitresses’ breasts. I hate it when that happens.

“A Pint Sized Problem”, Wall Street Journal

New York Times Pulls a Fast One on Daily Nuzzo

In more geographical news, the New York Times blatantly stole my idea about going to each ball park in the U.S. and writing a book about the differences in hot dog quality and style in each stadium. Well, they didn’t write an entire book on it. And it wasn’t exclusively focused on hot dogs. But still. I’m kinda pissed.

Finding the Hits, Avoiding the Errors – NYT Interactive Map

I must admit, this is actually pretty cool. However, I dispute the following:

1. Wrigley Field – the hot dogs are delicious. Poppyseed bun, relish, pickles, tomatoes. What more can you ask for?
2. Yankee Stadium – how come the sugar cookies from the bakery on the ground level were not included? Where else can you take a bite out of A-Rod’s face without it getting written up in the Post the next day?
3. Dodgers Stadium – the garlic fries, albeit soggy with oily deliciousness, are not to be passed up.
4. U.S. Cellular Field (Chicago White Sox) – Try the foie gras. It's to die for.

I’ll allow the New York Times to revise their story, but just this once. You’re skating on thin ice, Times, very thin ice!

Bros Before Hoes

A friend passed on this very informative map today, which denotes all of the states and cities where has-been rapper Ludacris claims to have “hoes” based on the information he provides in his 2001 hit, “Area Codes.” Click here to see his hoe-hold on America.

Never one to back down from a geographic challenge, I decided to create a map of my own, charting out all the places where I have bros, the male equivalent of hoes. Please write in to let me know if I’m missing anyone.

By the way, I don’t count that one time in Wichita, so Erwin, don’t even try it. I don’t care how cold you claimed that pool water to be, it still doesn’t count.

Click on map for a larger view.

Daily Nuzzo on Red Alert

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the work of the World Information Access group. No? Well you should be. They just published a new report on the number of bloggers who were arrested for political reasons. Since 2003, an overwhelming 64 bloggers have been out behind bars for publishing their views on the World Wide Web.

According to a BBC article, “the number of blogger arrests in 2008 would exceed the 36 seen in 2007 thanks to greater popularity of blogging as a medium, greater enforcement of net restrictions, and elections in China, Pakistan, Iran and the US.”

Luckily for me, I don’t post any political views on dailynuzzo.com. Unless you count the posts where I promote excessive alcohol abuse, dole out self-destructive relationship advice and banter cleverly about current happenings within Major League Baseball as political. Which, it probably is, considering the current tide of American politics. So yeah, stay tuned for my ‘Daily Nuzzo from Guantanamo’ edition, coming to a computer near you in Fall 2008!!

That Really Hurt...and it's still hurting.

This is my favorite YouTube video of all time. And by all time, I really mean, the past six months. Because about 7 months ago DayMan was my favorite video. But now it's this one where the baby bites his brother's finger. And there's British accents involved. A true recipe for hilariousness.

And this is what happens when you don’t know what the NY Times restaurant columnist looks like.

Apparently, the owners of Ago, a new Italian restaurant in the Greenwich Hotel, do not know who Frank Bruni is. For those of you who are asking yourselves, who is Frank Bruni, he’s only one of the most influential restaurant reviewers of all time. He wrote up a hysterical column today for the New York Times on the mishaps of uber-hip Ago. After giving it a read, I’m sure that co-owner Robert DeNiro must be ‘raging’ mad.

And yes, I know I reference the movie Raging Bull way too often.

Here's a good vegetarian-friendly quote from the article:

“The [breaded veal Milanese] I had one night was pounded so thin that the breading on top met the breading on the bottom without pausing for much of anything in between. A vegan could have made peace with it…. And no pig should perish for a pork chop as dry as one at Ago.”

Read about all the shenanigans here: No Trouble Drawing a Crowd

It’s Wednesday. Aka – Blowfish Time.

This might possibly be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Now if only that giant human hand would release the baby blowfish and go back to pursuing an unpromising career as a hand model.

John Sterling – You have what’s coming to you.

So I got a voice message today from John Sterling, the radio sportscaster for the New York Yankees. He was calling to personally inform me that I’m eligible to purchase tickets to the 2008 All-Star Game, being held this year at Yankee Stadium.

My palms started sweating immediately after listening to this message. Before he even finished talking, I was already furiously typing and clicking away to log into my Yankees account at MLB.com. It took 45 minutes for me to get onto the site. When I got there, no options for All-Start ticket purchase could be found.

So I emailed my season ticket representative over at Yankee stadium – let’s call her Katie Confused – to ask why Mr. Sterling promised me All-Start tickets that he could not deliver on.

This is the email response I received:

Danielle,

The recorded phone message you received this morning from John Sterling, was sent out in error to some of our ticket license plan holders. Please disregard the message. Only full, A and B, license plan holders from 2007 and prior are required to pay an invoice. All other plans, C through flex and new 2008 Full, A and B plan licensees, will be eligible for the All Star Game pre sale. The following schedule outlines the dates and times of the All Star week pre sale. Once again you may disregard the message left this morning by John Sterling. In addition you will soon receive a follow up call from John Sterling reminding you of tomorrow’s pre sale. If you have any further questions please let me know.

Sorry for the confusion!
Katie

So John Sterling is going to call me not once but TWICE to tell me about my chance to purchase tickets? Listen Katie, one facetious message from Mr. Sterling is already too much to handle. Unless I receive a dozen roses and a pair of All-Star tickets for seats along the first-base line tomorrow from Mr. Sterling, I’m going to be pissed. And I’m gonna blog about it. Do you know how many people read dailynuzzo.com? At least 12! Expect your phone line to be ringing off the hook with angry readers

But what most concerns me is that such a huge organization as the Yankees, which has all of my credit card information, is erroneously sending out phone calls to thousands of season-ticket holders. I wouldn’t even expect this kind of behavior from the Coney Island Cyclones, Katie. And that’s not saying much, considering that they host rock, paper, scissor contests on the field after the games and all of the outfielders moonlight as amusement park attendants on non-game days.

You can send the roses to my work address, Katie. And be sure to get extra packets of the flower food. Bitch.

Dear Daily Nuzzo

We have a slew of Dear Daily Nuzzo questions today. And by slew, I really mean two. Send your queries and daily gripes by emailing dailynuzzo@gmail.com. Enjoy!

Dear Daily Nuzzo,
I recently hooked up with an ex-flame for use of her air conditioner. For Christ sake, it’s 100 degrees out there! Anyway, I have no real intention of continuing a relationship with her and I also have a semi-relationship with another girl who lives out of town. I don’t want to screw my chances with hot out-of-towner for an air conditioner. But then again, it was a good hook-up and I didn’t wake up in a puddle of my own sweat. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Sweaty in NYC

Dear Sweaty,
Buy an air conditioner. They are $100 at P.C. Richard. It will save you from the always-shameful ex-lover hook-up and you’ll be all set for when that hot out-of-towner comes for a visit. Besides, what kinda girl is going to hook up with a guy who doesn’t own an AC? Well, I mean, I guess if you’re into that sort of thing. As for the AC girl, make sure you tell her that it was a one-time deal and that you feel really terrible for leading her own. However, don't mention anything about how it was all in vain for the 65 degree room temperature.

Dear Daily Nuzzo,
Why are men such chicks lately? The stereotypical female traits are more applicable to men nowadays. This includes cuddling, attention seeking, reinforcement on the status of the relationship, sensitivity, neediness, talking about how you feel and overall girly annoyingness. Is this some sort of trend – like is it all part of being “metro?” What’s the deal with guys being so in touch with their feelings?

Sincerely,
Fed up with she-males

Dear Fed up,
I hear ya sister. Ever since Dr. Phil debuted, guys are more worried about feelings and morality then being a man. My advice to you – don’t date anyone in a major city, where politeness overrules masculinity. Move to Montana and find a cowboy on a dude ranch. He won’t know the definition of ‘emotion’ yet alone how to properly treat a woman. You’ll never have to worry about talking about “feelings” and “the future” again. You’ll just have to learn how to properly skin and cook a bison for dinner.

Friday is now known as Farnsworth Fight Day

Here’s the highly-coveted/questionably illegal footage of Kyle Farnsworth’s brawl with Paul Wilson. This all went down in 2003 when Farnsworth was pitching for the Cubs. It’s pretty sick and should teach us all a lesson: never trust a man who’s 6’4 and wears reading glasses suited for a 12-year old schoolgirl.

That's What She Said...Two Decades Ago.

My friend Olivia, who happens to be from Poland and named after Olivia Newton-John (her parents wanted to give her “nice American name”), is keen on inserting awkward catch phrases from the early 90’s into regular conversation. Here’s a recent example of her tactic:

Olivia gets a soda out of the fridge, shuts the door and a magnet falls off. She immediately responds by saying “Did I do thaaaat?” in the always-recognizable Steve Erkel voice.

Now, most people would get a nice chuckle out of this. But I for one, did not. You see, Olivia wasn’t even trying to be funny. It just came naturally to her – as if, what else would you say when a magnet falls of the fridge door? I think the explanation for this odd behavior is the fact that the majority of Olivia’s childhood was spent watching crappy TV sitcoms (as it was her only method to truly assimilate into American culture). But it’s kinda growing on me, and I find myself saying “TGIF, getting jiggy with it?” more often that I’d like to admit.

Now, I ask you, loyal readers – to tell me your all-time favorite catch phrase of the 1990’s:

• Did I do that? (Urkel voice)
• Cut it out (Uncle Joey)
• How rude!
• Show me the money
• Pysch!
• We were on a break!
• Yada yada yada
• Getting jiggy with it?
• Smelly cat
• WAAZZZZUPPP
• bud. wise. er.
• TGIF
• I'm the baby, gotta love me!
• Talk to the hand - cause my face ain't listening!
• Oh no you didn't!
• Whatever!
• As if!
• She could be a farmer in those clothes.

NYPD Provides Subway Riders with Cutting-Edge Technology to Stop Crime. Oh wait, it’s just a keychain.

I was walking out of the Canal street station on my way to work this morning when I noticed something odd. Two cops were handing out flyers to the horde of straphangers getting off the E train. Being as adorably inquisitive as I am, I rushed right over and took a flyer from the man in blue.

But this wasn’t just any old flyer from NY’s finest. This was a FREE gift! For me! It was a tag – a tag for your bag! That says N.Y.P.D. Gear Guard!

I examined the flyer/bag tag combo as I walked up the steps. Does it beep? Does it send out an alarm to the preceint if someone snatches my purse? Is this tag designed by Tommy Hilfiger? Were all questions that ran through my head.

Apparently, the tag is nothing more than a plastic keychain that you snap onto your purse or gym bag that is supposed to ward off evil-doers like some sort of modern-day evil eye. It kinda reminds me of how my brother once placed a Slomin’s Shield sign on our front yard to fake-out all the neighborhood burglars into believing that we could actually afford a home security system.

According to AM NY, the Gear Guard is just one initiative from a 30-officer team effort to decrease petty subway crimes. In the NYPD’s eyes, “there is a world of difference between reading a poster that tells you to keep your property safe and having the officers approach you directly.”

Is there also a world of difference in how much it costs to produce these plastic key chains, on top of the hours spent passing them out, and how much it costs to keep real cops on the street fighting real crime. Take a look at the crime statistics from the week of May 28, 2008 – June 1, 2008 and you’ll see that there were 8 murders and 35 rapes in NYC. And 796 incidences of grand larceny.

I’ll make sure to look at my Gear Guard key chain the next time that someone attempts to slash my wrist to steal my groceries.

New York City Cops by The Strokes

Bodies: The Exhibit. Now with more torture victims!

As many New Yorkers already know, the Bodies exhibit is a creepy, disturbing and surprisingly entertaining place to take someone on a first date. Popular with tourists and middle-schoolers alike, the Bodies exhibit in South Street Seaport is on everyone’s must-see list.

But would it matter if you knew that the exhibits were actually the remains of individuals who may have been tortured and executed in communist China? If you’re like me, then probably no, this does not matter to you at all. In fact, I think it adds that extra zing that most dead bodies are lacking!

However, if you feel like even after 1,000 showers you still wouldn’t be able to scrub all the guilt off you for paying $30 to support both communism and torture, you can get your money back if you still have your ticket stub. I know I do. It’s framed, right next to my tickets from the Auschwitz and Hiroshima guided tours.

'Bodies' Show Must Put Up Warnings - New York Times

Dear Daily Nuzzo

Dear Daily Nuzzo,

Do you know what kind of batteries a TI-83 calculator takes?

Sincerely,
AVH

Dear AVH,

Considering that I took my AP Calculus exam with an abacus, I am completely dumbfounded by this question. No, I do not know what kind of batteries a TI-83 takes nor do I want to know why this is your biggest concern of present time. My advice to you is to put down the calculator and pick up a life on your way home from the nerd factory.

That was kind of harsh. It takes four AAA batteries.

Beer Me

Going to Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia for summer vacation? Then you’ll be pleased to know that it will only cost you $1.13 USD for a pint of beer.

I drunkenly stumbled across this great Web site that lists the prices for a pint of lager in every single country in the world. They even break it up by cities. So in NYC you’ll pay $7 a pint. Baltimore, Maryland: $2 a pop.

As Woody Allen once said, “I’m not moving to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right on red.” However, I would move to a city where it was cheaper for me to make rights on red while driving drunk. I’m kidding. Kinda.

Super Secret Mario Brothers

So I just discovered the most ingenious invention from Google yet. A discreet flash version of their original Super Mario Brothers game that you can play while you are on your Google homepage.

Your boss will think that you’re completing that research on the socioeconomic implications for the U.S. if a major natural disaster occurred in one of the BRIC nations. But really, you’re just trying to eat as many mushrooms and jump in as many sewers as you can.

Add Mario to your Google homepage here.

Chi-Town: Too Much Duck, Not Enough Gun Protection Laws.

Not sure if you’ve heard, but Chicagoans are once again allowed to enjoy the delicacy of foie gras at their local French bistros after a preposterous two year ban on the fatty duck liver.

However, there seems to be a direct correlation between the reemergence of foie gras and dangerous crime in the Windy City. Big Brother, aka Google Maps, caught vivid images of a young man pointing a gun at a child yesterday. And it doesn’t stop there. Google Maps even found a white girl flashing the camera the other day in a Chicago suburb. A white girl! Flashing her boobs! On the street!

So heed the advice of Daily Nuzzo and take it easy on the fatty duck liver Chicago. Just because you can now eat like New Yorkers doesn't mean you have to act like New Yorkers. So put down the guns and ducks and pick up a hot dog instead.

Real World Tries to Keep It F’n Real in Brooklyn, Aight?

MTV has chosen Brooklyn as the new home for their once-successful and favorite has-been reality show, The Real World. It has not been disclosed which neighborhood in Brooklyn will play host to the seven white kids, who are likely to all hail from Missouri and/or Montana, but either way, this is bad news for us natives.

Whether it’s a quiet night out at Union Pool or a Sunday Funday at McCarren Park Pool, you will be affected. Prepare to have hordes of camera crews surround you as you try to grind on that smokin' hipster boy at Studio B. Or as you try to buy crack on Metropolitan Ave. Either way, this show is going to turn what’s left of Brooklyn into a tri-state Disneyland.

I wonder if the show will turn out anything like the last time they filmed in New York.

Most Women Prefer Blogging Over Drinking. Not this Woman.

A recent study by BlogHer and Compass Partners found that 55 percent of female bloggers would give up alcohol in order to keep their blogs. I find this stat fascinating, since alcohol is really the only thing keeps the daily nuzzo going!

I wonder how much better this blog would be if I spent more time with researching interesting articles and current events instead of taking my hourly shot of Cuervo…

You can check out the fascinating results of this uber-reliable study here.

Are you a man? Then act like it, beeyatch.

I know that my regular readers are all sophisticated, wealthy and intelligent beings, but for those of you who prefer a beef jerky to a filet mignon, Esquire Magazine has got just the thing for you – a long list of vital skills that every man should know how to do.

Yeah, this means you, [insert your name here if applicable]! So start reading: 75 Skills Every Man Should Master

Unfortunately, blowing up a helicopter with a stolen police car (ala John McClane in Die Hard 4) did not make the list, but I still find that to be a very useful skill.

Best. Quote. Ever.

The Game, a.k.a. Jayceon Terrell Taylor, is a feud-inducing rapper from my home-away-from-home: Compton, CA. Not only does he have the obligatory tear drop tattoo under his left eye, but he also has the LA Dodgers symbol inscribed on his face! Gangsta!

Anyway, The Game is getting ready to release his much-anticipated third album and recently provided some deep insight into the title:

"I decided on [the title] L.A.X. because that's the major airport here. I figured people fly into LAX coming and going. I consider myself like that airport, because anything coming through and leaving California gotta come through me." —The Game [New York Magazine].

Missing Your Dose of Daily Nuzzo?

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but the Daily Nuzzo has been lacking some frequent updates due to a hectic schedule consisting of getting drunk on weekdays and eating absurd amounts of Mexican food.

Please be assured that I’m looking into the situation. I was thinking about hiring a worker monkey, but apparently you need to get all these permits and malaria vaccinations – which will just deduct from my drinking and blogging time. Let me know if you have any other suggestions but in the meantime, I’ll try to update this prestigious blog during my non-eating and drinking hours. See you at 6:30 a.m. and 3:30 p.m.!

Fun Afternoon Activity

It’s 75 degrees and sunny outside. In other words, the perfect day for a little shark surfing.

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What To Do This Weekend

I’m heading out to the Yankees game tonight and I’m confident that Chien-Ming Wang can muster up a win against Seattle’s Bedard. That’s sarcasm at its finest. The highlight of the game will be the return of broadcaster Bobby Murcer, who hasn’t worked a game yet this season due to illness. His illness: being sick of the Yankees. I feel ya Murcer, I feel ya.

I’m still on a Coachella high, so here are some weekend concert recommendations – all endorsed with the Daily Nuzzo seal of approval!

Friday
It’s the final night of the Tribeca Film Festival here in New York and there is going to be a serious rock show going down at Webster Hall. The Virgins, The Hold Steady, Republic Tigers and the Bad Veins will all be performing. If you can only make one set, go for The Virgins.

Saturday
The Teenagers play at the Music Hall of Williamsburg and tickets are still available. These Francophiles put on a great live set in Indio and they embrace tee shirts with Leonardo DiCaprio’s face on them. What more could you ask for?

Here’s my favorite tracks from them. Caution! – listen to this with headphones on if you’re at work.

Sunday
Well, I don’t have time to look up Sunday gigs, but I’m sure someone will have a radio on if you visit the Brooklyn Indie Market in Carroll Gardens. The market is open from 11-7 and features clothes, jewelery and other goods from local artists. The market is located under the red-and-white tent on Smith Street and Union Street.

Afterwards, head to MoMA for a screening of Graffiti Research Lab: The complete first season, a featured film in the 2008 Sundance Film Festival. The documentary explores the lives of two friends who quit their day jobs (one was an architect, the other an engineer) to develop high-tech tools for the art of bombing. Stick around for the panel discussion and party afterwards with Graffiti Research Lab and surprise guests.

Drink Your Gambling Losses Away and Kill Two Vices with One Stone!!

If you’re like me, you probably bet your entire savings account (all $135 of it) on tomorrow’s Kentucky Derby races. Well, you better be ready to drink your sorrows away. Here are some recipes for two classic Derby Drinks. Enjoy!

The Mint Julep
* 2 cups sugar
* 2 cups water
* Sprigs of fresh mint
* Crushed ice
* Early Times Kentucky Whisky (or any bourbon whiskey)
* Silver Julep Cups

Make a simple syrup by boiling sugar and water together for five minutes. Cool and place in a covered container with six or eight sprigs of fresh mint, then refrigerate overnight. Make one julep at a time by filling a julep cup with crushed ice, adding one tablespoon mint syrup and two ounces of whiskey. Stir rapidly with a spoon to frost the outside of the cup. Garnish with a sprig of fresh mint.

Fun Fact:
The Mint Julep is not only fun to say, but it is considered the traditional beverage of the Kentucky Derby. Last year, more than 120,000 juleps were served at Churchill Downs.

The Brass Monkey

*One 40 oz of Old English Ale
*Sunny Delight

My drink of choice for all occasions, the Brass Monkey dates all the way back to 1986 with the release of The Beastie Boys’ Licensed to Ill album. The contents of this drink are highly debated, but after much trial and error, I’ve decided that an OE and Sunny Delight is exactly what Mike D, AdRock and MCA intended in their cryptic lyrics.

Instructions:
Purchase a 40oz of Old English Ale in your local deli/bodega/liquor store/alley. Pay cash. You don’t want this to be traced back to you in any way. You can pick up Sunny D at any store that caters to small children and/or minority populations. It’s usually located right next to the purple stuff.

Sit outside on your porch/stoop/sidewalk. Drink the OE down to the top of the label. Use a siphon (I prefer a folded paper plate) and pour in Sunny D until it reaches the top of the bottle. Shake vigorously. Drink. Do the monkey dance.*

*Brass Monkey Lyrics (including monkey dance instructions)

Dude, where's my shorts?

The sleepy beach community of Long Beach Township, NJ is cracking down on some serious crime these days. The kind of crime that will shock and alarm small children and saintly mothers. The crime: disrobing, or the act of getting undressed.

Members of the Ocean County township are up in arms about those damn surf hippies getting naked all the time. For those of my readers who are NOT avid surfers, it is custom to wear a wetsuit when surfing in cold-to-mild water temperatures. It’s also custom to change out of your wetsuit before getting back into your car.

So after a long day of shredding, these surfers are supposed to drive home in a salty, stinky suit? This is not rush hour, people. Us beach types like to be comfortable when we drive. Most times we’re not even wearing shoes. Yeah, I said it – no shoes!

Who cares if we use strategically placed towels to “disrobe” and change into a pair of boardshorts? You catch a glimpse of my ass? Consider yourself lucky. I charge most people to see that sort of skin.

NY Times: A Beach Where Discretion Is More Than Just Advised