Friday, May 30

Dear Daily Nuzzo

Dear Daily Nuzzo,

Do you know what kind of batteries a TI-83 calculator takes?


Dear AVH,

Considering that I took my AP Calculus exam with an abacus, I am completely dumbfounded by this question. No, I do not know what kind of batteries a TI-83 takes nor do I want to know why this is your biggest concern of present time. My advice to you is to put down the calculator and pick up a life on your way home from the nerd factory.

That was kind of harsh. It takes four AAA batteries.

Beer Me

Going to Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia for summer vacation? Then you’ll be pleased to know that it will only cost you $1.13 USD for a pint of beer.

I drunkenly stumbled across this great Web site that lists the prices for a pint of lager in every single country in the world. They even break it up by cities. So in NYC you’ll pay $7 a pint. Baltimore, Maryland: $2 a pop.

As Woody Allen once said, “I’m not moving to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right on red.” However, I would move to a city where it was cheaper for me to make rights on red while driving drunk. I’m kidding. Kinda.

Tuesday, May 20

Super Secret Mario Brothers

So I just discovered the most ingenious invention from Google yet. A discreet flash version of their original Super Mario Brothers game that you can play while you are on your Google homepage.

Your boss will think that you’re completing that research on the socioeconomic implications for the U.S. if a major natural disaster occurred in one of the BRIC nations. But really, you’re just trying to eat as many mushrooms and jump in as many sewers as you can.

Add Mario to your Google homepage here.

Chi-Town: Too Much Duck, Not Enough Gun Protection Laws.

Not sure if you’ve heard, but Chicagoans are once again allowed to enjoy the delicacy of foie gras at their local French bistros after a preposterous two year ban on the fatty duck liver.

However, there seems to be a direct correlation between the reemergence of foie gras and dangerous crime in the Windy City. Big Brother, aka Google Maps, caught vivid images of a young man pointing a gun at a child yesterday. And it doesn’t stop there. Google Maps even found a white girl flashing the camera the other day in a Chicago suburb. A white girl! Flashing her boobs! On the street!

So heed the advice of Daily Nuzzo and take it easy on the fatty duck liver Chicago. Just because you can now eat like New Yorkers doesn't mean you have to act like New Yorkers. So put down the guns and ducks and pick up a hot dog instead.

Thursday, May 15

Real World Tries to Keep It F’n Real in Brooklyn, Aight?

MTV has chosen Brooklyn as the new home for their once-successful and favorite has-been reality show, The Real World. It has not been disclosed which neighborhood in Brooklyn will play host to the seven white kids, who are likely to all hail from Missouri and/or Montana, but either way, this is bad news for us natives.

Whether it’s a quiet night out at Union Pool or a Sunday Funday at McCarren Park Pool, you will be affected. Prepare to have hordes of camera crews surround you as you try to grind on that smokin' hipster boy at Studio B. Or as you try to buy crack on Metropolitan Ave. Either way, this show is going to turn what’s left of Brooklyn into a tri-state Disneyland.

I wonder if the show will turn out anything like the last time they filmed in New York.

Monday, May 12

Most Women Prefer Blogging Over Drinking. Not this Woman.

A recent study by BlogHer and Compass Partners found that 55 percent of female bloggers would give up alcohol in order to keep their blogs. I find this stat fascinating, since alcohol is really the only thing keeps the daily nuzzo going!

I wonder how much better this blog would be if I spent more time with researching interesting articles and current events instead of taking my hourly shot of Cuervo…

You can check out the fascinating results of this uber-reliable study here.

Thursday, May 8

Are you a man? Then act like it, beeyatch.

I know that my regular readers are all sophisticated, wealthy and intelligent beings, but for those of you who prefer a beef jerky to a filet mignon, Esquire Magazine has got just the thing for you – a long list of vital skills that every man should know how to do.

Yeah, this means you, [insert your name here if applicable]! So start reading: 75 Skills Every Man Should Master

Unfortunately, blowing up a helicopter with a stolen police car (ala John McClane in Die Hard 4) did not make the list, but I still find that to be a very useful skill.

Tuesday, May 6

Best. Quote. Ever.

The Game, a.k.a. Jayceon Terrell Taylor, is a feud-inducing rapper from my home-away-from-home: Compton, CA. Not only does he have the obligatory tear drop tattoo under his left eye, but he also has the LA Dodgers symbol inscribed on his face! Gangsta!

Anyway, The Game is getting ready to release his much-anticipated third album and recently provided some deep insight into the title:

"I decided on [the title] L.A.X. because that's the major airport here. I figured people fly into LAX coming and going. I consider myself like that airport, because anything coming through and leaving California gotta come through me." —The Game [New York Magazine].

Missing Your Dose of Daily Nuzzo?

Not sure if you’ve noticed, but the Daily Nuzzo has been lacking some frequent updates due to a hectic schedule consisting of getting drunk on weekdays and eating absurd amounts of Mexican food.

Please be assured that I’m looking into the situation. I was thinking about hiring a worker monkey, but apparently you need to get all these permits and malaria vaccinations – which will just deduct from my drinking and blogging time. Let me know if you have any other suggestions but in the meantime, I’ll try to update this prestigious blog during my non-eating and drinking hours. See you at 6:30 a.m. and 3:30 p.m.!

Monday, May 5

Fun Afternoon Activity

It’s 75 degrees and sunny outside. In other words, the perfect day for a little shark surfing.

Friday, May 2

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What To Do This Weekend

I’m heading out to the Yankees game tonight and I’m confident that Chien-Ming Wang can muster up a win against Seattle’s Bedard. That’s sarcasm at its finest. The highlight of the game will be the return of broadcaster Bobby Murcer, who hasn’t worked a game yet this season due to illness. His illness: being sick of the Yankees. I feel ya Murcer, I feel ya.

I’m still on a Coachella high, so here are some weekend concert recommendations – all endorsed with the Daily Nuzzo seal of approval!

It’s the final night of the Tribeca Film Festival here in New York and there is going to be a serious rock show going down at Webster Hall. The Virgins, The Hold Steady, Republic Tigers and the Bad Veins will all be performing. If you can only make one set, go for The Virgins.

The Teenagers play at the Music Hall of Williamsburg and tickets are still available. These Francophiles put on a great live set in Indio and they embrace tee shirts with Leonardo DiCaprio’s face on them. What more could you ask for?

Here’s my favorite tracks from them. Caution! – listen to this with headphones on if you’re at work.

Well, I don’t have time to look up Sunday gigs, but I’m sure someone will have a radio on if you visit the Brooklyn Indie Market in Carroll Gardens. The market is open from 11-7 and features clothes, jewelery and other goods from local artists. The market is located under the red-and-white tent on Smith Street and Union Street.

Afterwards, head to MoMA for a screening of Graffiti Research Lab: The complete first season, a featured film in the 2008 Sundance Film Festival. The documentary explores the lives of two friends who quit their day jobs (one was an architect, the other an engineer) to develop high-tech tools for the art of bombing. Stick around for the panel discussion and party afterwards with Graffiti Research Lab and surprise guests.

Drink Your Gambling Losses Away and Kill Two Vices with One Stone!!

If you’re like me, you probably bet your entire savings account (all $135 of it) on tomorrow’s Kentucky Derby races. Well, you better be ready to drink your sorrows away. Here are some recipes for two classic Derby Drinks. Enjoy!

The Mint Julep
* 2 cups sugar
* 2 cups water
* Sprigs of fresh mint
* Crushed ice
* Early Times Kentucky Whisky (or any bourbon whiskey)
* Silver Julep Cups

Make a simple syrup by boiling sugar and water together for five minutes. Cool and place in a covered container with six or eight sprigs of fresh mint, then refrigerate overnight. Make one julep at a time by filling a julep cup with crushed ice, adding one tablespoon mint syrup and two ounces of whiskey. Stir rapidly with a spoon to frost the outside of the cup. Garnish with a sprig of fresh mint.

Fun Fact:

The Mint Julep is not only fun to say, but it is considered the traditional beverage of the Kentucky Derby. Last year, more than 120,000 juleps were served at Churchill Downs.

The Brass Monkey

*One 40 oz of Old English Ale
*Sunny Delight

My drink of choice for all occasions, the Brass Monkey dates all the way back to 1986 with the release of The Beastie Boys’ Licensed to Ill album. The contents of this drink are highly debated, but after much trial and error, I’ve decided that an OE and Sunny Delight is exactly what Mike D, AdRock and MCA intended in their cryptic lyrics.

Purchase a 40oz of Old English Ale in your local deli/bodega/liquor store/alley. Pay cash. You don’t want this to be traced back to you in any way. You can pick up Sunny D at any store that caters to small children and/or minority populations. It’s usually located right next to the purple stuff.

Sit outside on your porch/stoop/sidewalk. Drink the OE down to the top of the label. Use a siphon (I prefer a folded paper plate) and pour in Sunny D until it reaches the top of the bottle. Shake vigorously. Drink. Do the monkey dance.*

*Brass Monkey Lyrics (including monkey dance instructions)

Thursday, May 1

Dude, where's my shorts?

The sleepy beach community of Long Beach Township, NJ is cracking down on some serious crime these days. The kind of crime that will shock and alarm small children and saintly mothers. The crime: disrobing, or the act of getting undressed.

Members of the Ocean County township are up in arms about those damn surf hippies getting naked all the time. For those of my readers who are NOT avid surfers, it is custom to wear a wetsuit when surfing in cold-to-mild water temperatures. It’s also custom to change out of your wetsuit before getting back into your car.

So after a long day of shredding, these surfers are supposed to drive home in a salty, stinky suit? This is not rush hour, people. Us beach types like to be comfortable when we drive. Most times we’re not even wearing shoes. Yeah, I said it – no shoes!

Who cares if we use strategically placed towels to “disrobe” and change into a pair of boardshorts? You catch a glimpse of my ass? Consider yourself lucky. I charge most people to see that sort of skin.

NY Times: A Beach Where Discretion Is More Than Just Advised

What Daily Nuzzo Wants

I know my birthday has already come and gone, like an alleycat in the night, but it is never too late to send your favorite blogger a gift. And this is what I want.

Since I’m often shackled to my desk chair by the tyrants who run this blog, I have little opportunity to enjoy the inherent pleasure of watching a baseball day game. Not that I’m overly interested in seeing how low the Yankees can fall under .500, but I still like to know what’s going on. I also enjoy looking at things with blinking lights.

For a mere $199, you can plug this bad boy into your computer and the wonders of satellite will light up the old-fashioned scoreboard. Just like the good ol’ days when hot dogs were $1 and women weren’t allowed in the stadium.

And the icing on the cake, in my opinion, is that you’ll never have to hear Susan Waldman’s voice again.

Liveboard – Live Baseball Scorecard