Daily Nuzzo: Now with More Grammar!

Good news readers! The Associated Press Stylebook, aka the journalism student/high school dropout’s Bible, will be updated to include online and social media components. Right now, when I flip through my AP book, which was purchased my freshman year in college (82 B.C.), there is no entry for blog, podcast or dailynuzzo. Now, all of these items will be included and thoroughly scrutinized by the AP!

You can all rejoice in the fact that you will no longer have to silently hold back your rage at my atrocious run-on sentences and dangling modifiers. Once someone pays for and sends me this book, you’ll be seeing Newsday-worthy writing in no time!

AP Stylebook No Longer "Mentally Retarded" – Gawker.com

Island Time

A thought popped into my mind the other day regarding the age-old question of “if you could pick someone to be stranded on a desert island with, who would it be?”

Since I don’t have any real desire to drag along a potentially annoying/cannibalistic friend to ruin my happy time in the tropics, my answer used to be an iPhone. Used to be…until I saw this!

Now I need to think about who else I could bring, since I’m nearly certain that the inevitable yet bizarre blending accident in Aitutaki would claim the life of my only friend. Perhaps Wilson would be a better choice.

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do More Muslim

Sometimes, on extremely rare occasions, I come across a blog that is almost as entertaining as dailynuzzo.com. Again, this is very rare. Like Haley’s Comet rare. Anywho, my friend (knowing my penchant for theology) sent me a link to this blog that lists all of the things that are “more Muslim” than Barack Obama.

This cat is obviously more Muslim than Obama according to the following indications of Muslimness:

-traditional Muslim garb, including head scarf
-facial hair, aka whiskers
-belt made out of dynamite

Apparently, I would also be considered more Muslim than Obama due to my undying love of Middle Eastern delicacies, particularly falafel, hummus and ingesting hookah smoke. Hookah counts as a delicacy, right?

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What to Do…This Weekend

Friday

Check out Gogol Bordello at McCarren Park Pool. 3 out of 4 Ukranians agree: best live band in all of NYC metropolitan area. Tickets are only 35 rubles.

Continue your immigrant gyspy dancing at Mehanata Dance Bar, where Gogol Bordello frontman Eugene Hütz is sure to make an appearance as a guest DJ. A knowledge of some Eastern European dialect and a fondness for Zywiec is required for entry.

Saturday
There are over 850 free concerts in the NYC area to celebrate the official first day of summer. Make Music New York is sponsoring the all-day event, including an all day punk fest on Governor’s Island, which they have pathetically renamed Punk Island. Free ferry ride included and the views of Manhattan are pretty sick.

The freaks come out…during the day. It’s the annual Mermaid Parade at Coney Island. Don your finest fins and come out for an all day freak-fest. Eat some hot dogs at Nathans and end the night (and possibly your life) with a roller coaster ride on the notorious Cyclone.

Sunday
After applying some aloe to your sunburned ass cheeks, head out to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for some culture. Check out the Jeff Koons on the Roof installation, which offers some sick sculptures from this American icon. Enjoy a cocktail while you check out the views of Central Park and the city skyline. Also be sure to stop by the Superheroes Fashion and Fantasy exhibit, which features movie costumes and “high-performance sportswear,” aka, neon leotards.

I’ll have a tall falsie with extra head, please.

Have you noticed that it’s been taking you longer and costing you more money to get drunk lately? Don’t worry, it’s probably not a serious alcohol dependency problem. No, the blame is not on you, beer guzzler, but rather on your glass.

According to the Wall Street Journal, several bars and restaurants around the country have been serving pints of beer in 14 oz thick-bottomed glasses, as opposed to a standard pint of 16 oz. Bartenders are charging the same amount for beer served in the “falsie” glass as they are for the standard glass.

The article states that Hooters, the top-notch dining establishment, serves draft beer in 14-ounce glasses in Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky and Tennessee, and regular pint glasses in other states. Which is a bit strange, since I thought all Hooters franchises served “falsies” on the regular. Oh wait, I think I’m confusing pint glasses with their waitresses’ breasts. I hate it when that happens.

“A Pint Sized Problem”, Wall Street Journal

New York Times Pulls a Fast One on Daily Nuzzo

In more geographical news, the New York Times blatantly stole my idea about going to each ball park in the U.S. and writing a book about the differences in hot dog quality and style in each stadium. Well, they didn’t write an entire book on it. And it wasn’t exclusively focused on hot dogs. But still. I’m kinda pissed.

Finding the Hits, Avoiding the Errors – NYT Interactive Map

I must admit, this is actually pretty cool. However, I dispute the following:

1. Wrigley Field – the hot dogs are delicious. Poppyseed bun, relish, pickles, tomatoes. What more can you ask for?
2. Yankee Stadium – how come the sugar cookies from the bakery on the ground level were not included? Where else can you take a bite out of A-Rod’s face without it getting written up in the Post the next day?
3. Dodgers Stadium – the garlic fries, albeit soggy with oily deliciousness, are not to be passed up.
4. U.S. Cellular Field (Chicago White Sox) – Try the foie gras. It's to die for.

I’ll allow the New York Times to revise their story, but just this once. You’re skating on thin ice, Times, very thin ice!

Bros Before Hoes

A friend passed on this very informative map today, which denotes all of the states and cities where has-been rapper Ludacris claims to have “hoes” based on the information he provides in his 2001 hit, “Area Codes.” Click here to see his hoe-hold on America.

Never one to back down from a geographic challenge, I decided to create a map of my own, charting out all the places where I have bros, the male equivalent of hoes. Please write in to let me know if I’m missing anyone.

By the way, I don’t count that one time in Wichita, so Erwin, don’t even try it. I don’t care how cold you claimed that pool water to be, it still doesn’t count.

Click on map for a larger view.

Daily Nuzzo on Red Alert

I’m sure most of you are familiar with the work of the World Information Access group. No? Well you should be. They just published a new report on the number of bloggers who were arrested for political reasons. Since 2003, an overwhelming 64 bloggers have been out behind bars for publishing their views on the World Wide Web.

According to a BBC article, “the number of blogger arrests in 2008 would exceed the 36 seen in 2007 thanks to greater popularity of blogging as a medium, greater enforcement of net restrictions, and elections in China, Pakistan, Iran and the US.”

Luckily for me, I don’t post any political views on dailynuzzo.com. Unless you count the posts where I promote excessive alcohol abuse, dole out self-destructive relationship advice and banter cleverly about current happenings within Major League Baseball as political. Which, it probably is, considering the current tide of American politics. So yeah, stay tuned for my ‘Daily Nuzzo from Guantanamo’ edition, coming to a computer near you in Fall 2008!!

That Really Hurt...and it's still hurting.

This is my favorite YouTube video of all time. And by all time, I really mean, the past six months. Because about 7 months ago DayMan was my favorite video. But now it's this one where the baby bites his brother's finger. And there's British accents involved. A true recipe for hilariousness.

And this is what happens when you don’t know what the NY Times restaurant columnist looks like.

Apparently, the owners of Ago, a new Italian restaurant in the Greenwich Hotel, do not know who Frank Bruni is. For those of you who are asking yourselves, who is Frank Bruni, he’s only one of the most influential restaurant reviewers of all time. He wrote up a hysterical column today for the New York Times on the mishaps of uber-hip Ago. After giving it a read, I’m sure that co-owner Robert DeNiro must be ‘raging’ mad.

And yes, I know I reference the movie Raging Bull way too often.

Here's a good vegetarian-friendly quote from the article:

“The [breaded veal Milanese] I had one night was pounded so thin that the breading on top met the breading on the bottom without pausing for much of anything in between. A vegan could have made peace with it…. And no pig should perish for a pork chop as dry as one at Ago.”

Read about all the shenanigans here: No Trouble Drawing a Crowd

It’s Wednesday. Aka – Blowfish Time.

This might possibly be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. Now if only that giant human hand would release the baby blowfish and go back to pursuing an unpromising career as a hand model.

John Sterling – You have what’s coming to you.

So I got a voice message today from John Sterling, the radio sportscaster for the New York Yankees. He was calling to personally inform me that I’m eligible to purchase tickets to the 2008 All-Star Game, being held this year at Yankee Stadium.

My palms started sweating immediately after listening to this message. Before he even finished talking, I was already furiously typing and clicking away to log into my Yankees account at MLB.com. It took 45 minutes for me to get onto the site. When I got there, no options for All-Start ticket purchase could be found.

So I emailed my season ticket representative over at Yankee stadium – let’s call her Katie Confused – to ask why Mr. Sterling promised me All-Start tickets that he could not deliver on.

This is the email response I received:

Danielle,

The recorded phone message you received this morning from John Sterling, was sent out in error to some of our ticket license plan holders. Please disregard the message. Only full, A and B, license plan holders from 2007 and prior are required to pay an invoice. All other plans, C through flex and new 2008 Full, A and B plan licensees, will be eligible for the All Star Game pre sale. The following schedule outlines the dates and times of the All Star week pre sale. Once again you may disregard the message left this morning by John Sterling. In addition you will soon receive a follow up call from John Sterling reminding you of tomorrow’s pre sale. If you have any further questions please let me know.

Sorry for the confusion!
Katie

So John Sterling is going to call me not once but TWICE to tell me about my chance to purchase tickets? Listen Katie, one facetious message from Mr. Sterling is already too much to handle. Unless I receive a dozen roses and a pair of All-Star tickets for seats along the first-base line tomorrow from Mr. Sterling, I’m going to be pissed. And I’m gonna blog about it. Do you know how many people read dailynuzzo.com? At least 12! Expect your phone line to be ringing off the hook with angry readers

But what most concerns me is that such a huge organization as the Yankees, which has all of my credit card information, is erroneously sending out phone calls to thousands of season-ticket holders. I wouldn’t even expect this kind of behavior from the Coney Island Cyclones, Katie. And that’s not saying much, considering that they host rock, paper, scissor contests on the field after the games and all of the outfielders moonlight as amusement park attendants on non-game days.

You can send the roses to my work address, Katie. And be sure to get extra packets of the flower food. Bitch.

Dear Daily Nuzzo

We have a slew of Dear Daily Nuzzo questions today. And by slew, I really mean two. Send your queries and daily gripes by emailing dailynuzzo@gmail.com. Enjoy!

Dear Daily Nuzzo,
I recently hooked up with an ex-flame for use of her air conditioner. For Christ sake, it’s 100 degrees out there! Anyway, I have no real intention of continuing a relationship with her and I also have a semi-relationship with another girl who lives out of town. I don’t want to screw my chances with hot out-of-towner for an air conditioner. But then again, it was a good hook-up and I didn’t wake up in a puddle of my own sweat. What do I do?

Sincerely,
Sweaty in NYC

Dear Sweaty,
Buy an air conditioner. They are $100 at P.C. Richard. It will save you from the always-shameful ex-lover hook-up and you’ll be all set for when that hot out-of-towner comes for a visit. Besides, what kinda girl is going to hook up with a guy who doesn’t own an AC? Well, I mean, I guess if you’re into that sort of thing. As for the AC girl, make sure you tell her that it was a one-time deal and that you feel really terrible for leading her own. However, don't mention anything about how it was all in vain for the 65 degree room temperature.

Dear Daily Nuzzo,
Why are men such chicks lately? The stereotypical female traits are more applicable to men nowadays. This includes cuddling, attention seeking, reinforcement on the status of the relationship, sensitivity, neediness, talking about how you feel and overall girly annoyingness. Is this some sort of trend – like is it all part of being “metro?” What’s the deal with guys being so in touch with their feelings?

Sincerely,
Fed up with she-males

Dear Fed up,
I hear ya sister. Ever since Dr. Phil debuted, guys are more worried about feelings and morality then being a man. My advice to you – don’t date anyone in a major city, where politeness overrules masculinity. Move to Montana and find a cowboy on a dude ranch. He won’t know the definition of ‘emotion’ yet alone how to properly treat a woman. You’ll never have to worry about talking about “feelings” and “the future” again. You’ll just have to learn how to properly skin and cook a bison for dinner.

Friday is now known as Farnsworth Fight Day

Here’s the highly-coveted/questionably illegal footage of Kyle Farnsworth’s brawl with Paul Wilson. This all went down in 2003 when Farnsworth was pitching for the Cubs. It’s pretty sick and should teach us all a lesson: never trust a man who’s 6’4 and wears reading glasses suited for a 12-year old schoolgirl.

That's What She Said...Two Decades Ago.

My friend Olivia, who happens to be from Poland and named after Olivia Newton-John (her parents wanted to give her “nice American name”), is keen on inserting awkward catch phrases from the early 90’s into regular conversation. Here’s a recent example of her tactic:

Olivia gets a soda out of the fridge, shuts the door and a magnet falls off. She immediately responds by saying “Did I do thaaaat?” in the always-recognizable Steve Erkel voice.

Now, most people would get a nice chuckle out of this. But I for one, did not. You see, Olivia wasn’t even trying to be funny. It just came naturally to her – as if, what else would you say when a magnet falls of the fridge door? I think the explanation for this odd behavior is the fact that the majority of Olivia’s childhood was spent watching crappy TV sitcoms (as it was her only method to truly assimilate into American culture). But it’s kinda growing on me, and I find myself saying “TGIF, getting jiggy with it?” more often that I’d like to admit.

Now, I ask you, loyal readers – to tell me your all-time favorite catch phrase of the 1990’s:

• Did I do that? (Urkel voice)
• Cut it out (Uncle Joey)
• How rude!
• Show me the money
• Pysch!
• We were on a break!
• Yada yada yada
• Getting jiggy with it?
• Smelly cat
• WAAZZZZUPPP
• bud. wise. er.
• TGIF
• I'm the baby, gotta love me!
• Talk to the hand - cause my face ain't listening!
• Oh no you didn't!
• Whatever!
• As if!
• She could be a farmer in those clothes.

NYPD Provides Subway Riders with Cutting-Edge Technology to Stop Crime. Oh wait, it’s just a keychain.

I was walking out of the Canal street station on my way to work this morning when I noticed something odd. Two cops were handing out flyers to the horde of straphangers getting off the E train. Being as adorably inquisitive as I am, I rushed right over and took a flyer from the man in blue.

But this wasn’t just any old flyer from NY’s finest. This was a FREE gift! For me! It was a tag – a tag for your bag! That says N.Y.P.D. Gear Guard!

I examined the flyer/bag tag combo as I walked up the steps. Does it beep? Does it send out an alarm to the preceint if someone snatches my purse? Is this tag designed by Tommy Hilfiger? Were all questions that ran through my head.

Apparently, the tag is nothing more than a plastic keychain that you snap onto your purse or gym bag that is supposed to ward off evil-doers like some sort of modern-day evil eye. It kinda reminds me of how my brother once placed a Slomin’s Shield sign on our front yard to fake-out all the neighborhood burglars into believing that we could actually afford a home security system.

According to AM NY, the Gear Guard is just one initiative from a 30-officer team effort to decrease petty subway crimes. In the NYPD’s eyes, “there is a world of difference between reading a poster that tells you to keep your property safe and having the officers approach you directly.”

Is there also a world of difference in how much it costs to produce these plastic key chains, on top of the hours spent passing them out, and how much it costs to keep real cops on the street fighting real crime. Take a look at the crime statistics from the week of May 28, 2008 – June 1, 2008 and you’ll see that there were 8 murders and 35 rapes in NYC. And 796 incidences of grand larceny.

I’ll make sure to look at my Gear Guard key chain the next time that someone attempts to slash my wrist to steal my groceries.

New York City Cops by The Strokes

Bodies: The Exhibit. Now with more torture victims!

As many New Yorkers already know, the Bodies exhibit is a creepy, disturbing and surprisingly entertaining place to take someone on a first date. Popular with tourists and middle-schoolers alike, the Bodies exhibit in South Street Seaport is on everyone’s must-see list.

But would it matter if you knew that the exhibits were actually the remains of individuals who may have been tortured and executed in communist China? If you’re like me, then probably no, this does not matter to you at all. In fact, I think it adds that extra zing that most dead bodies are lacking!

However, if you feel like even after 1,000 showers you still wouldn’t be able to scrub all the guilt off you for paying $30 to support both communism and torture, you can get your money back if you still have your ticket stub. I know I do. It’s framed, right next to my tickets from the Auschwitz and Hiroshima guided tours.

'Bodies' Show Must Put Up Warnings - New York Times