Daily Nuzzo is Back. With a Hangover!

I’m back to blogging, bitches. I know how much you missed me. I was going to throw up my arms and toss my Dell desktop through my bedroom window, never to be heard from again, but I had a change of heart. Upon arriving back at work today, I realized how painful it is to make it through an entire workday without telling complete strangers exactly how I’m feeling. So here I go.

I had a shockingly-good time out in L.A., the under-achieving baby sister of New York. It was less crowded and had more sun. There was slightly more pollution, but only in the form of smog, as opposed to the rotting piles of garbage on the streets that you find here in the ‘Big Dirty.’ I ate good Mexican. I ate hot dogs dressed with bacon, sour cream and relish. I ate garlic fries at Dodgers stadium. I saw an original Space Invader graffiti installation. I went swimming in Hermosa Beach and had my fortune told by Zoltar in Venice Beach. I contemplated getting a tattoo three times. And I survived the California freeway.

Coachella was the highlight of the trip. It was by far the most convenient and well-organized music festival I’ve ever been to, despite being 120 miles away from L.A. in the middle of a godforsaken desert. The temperature reached 104 degrees on Saturday, but in my drunken and exhausted state, I hardly noticed. My favorite sets were Gogol Bordello (best live show I’ve been to), Man Man, MGMT, The Cool Kids, Vampire Weekend, Yelle, Diplo and Animal Collective. Besides a mini-breakdown at the thought of paying $7 for a slice of pizza (American dollars!) best times were had by all.

A big shout-out to Muller and crew for their generous hospitality. I’ve never felt more comfortable crashing in strangers’ beds and couches. And I’ve never drank more Function in my life. I’m still waiting for my lifetime supply to arrive to my doorstep in Queens, Nate.

You can view my pictures of the Voyage out West here.

Also, Pitchfork did a nice write-up of Coachella.

I look forward to doing it all again next year.

Daily Nuzzo Deserves a Break

As some of you may know, I’m taking a business trip out to the West Coast to do some market research on the culture of Californians. Besides their fondness for terrycloth and avocados, I don’t know too much about them. The ideal behind this research is that Daily Nuzzo will eventually have offerings on what to do in a multitude of urban centers, including Miami, Los Angeles, Washington D.C., and Bloomington, IL.

I’ll also be attending the Coachella music festival and will try to remember some portions of those 3 hazy days out in the desert in order to blog about it later. If I were you, I’d check out the official Coachella blog if you want to know what happened. I’m gonna check it when I get back too, so I can also find out what happened.

This will be my last post until Tuesday, April 29 when I may or may not return. In my absence, I’m sure many of you will find other ways to procrastinate during the work day. Some of you may even start a blog of your own, as an act of spite and revenge. But I only ask one thing of you, faithful readers. I ask that you keep the Daily Nuzzo dream alive. Like I said in the beginning, we need page views people, lots of page views! Daily Nuzzo just doesn’t write itself over here…or does it?

We have better musical taste than you.

Olivia’s Song of the Day: Tegan and Sara, “Back in Your Head”

Sorry, but Tegan and Sara are sold out on May 12th at Terminal 5. Check Craigslist. Sucks that we don't have a shot at seeing them. Oh. Wait... I'll experience them live in California next weekend along with 50,000 other people. Maybe Daily Nuzzo can post about it while we're tanning on the beach and sipping on mojitos. No, she’ll probably be too drunk to figure out how to use wireless. I hear she uses dial-up!

Trend Alert: Stupid Sunglasses

It’s 75 degrees out today, which can only mean two things: (1) people are showing more skin than they should; (2) people are wearing stupid sunglasses. I’ve noticed an inordinately large number of people wearing the classic “neon party glasses” (pictured at left), a staple in the 80’s accessories genre and a common party favor at Sweet 16’s, Bar Mitzvahs, Weddings, Funeral and the like.

Is this a new trend? Are these people trying to be hip/ironic by wearing a pair of sunglasses that offers neither UV protection or a sense of style?

Discuss among yourselves.

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What To Do This Weekend

It’s gonna be a great weekend in New York. The weather is beautiful, the Yankees salvaged one from Manny and Co. and it’s my last weekend before the ultimate vacay begins on Monday. It's a celebration, bitches:

Friday
Enjoy the gorgeous weather (78 degrees baby!) by drinking outside. My suggestions are pretty obvious: the Boat Basin on the West side or the Bohemian Beer Hall and Garden, the last original NYC beer garden, located in beautiful Astoria.

After you’re nice and boozed up, go see the live reunion show of our favorite Canadian comedians, The Kids in the Hall. Yes, they are still alive, and they’re playing at Nokia Theatre Times Square all weekend. Purchase tickets here.

Saturday
In a desperate attempt to save the music industry, a slew of record shops across the country will be holding events on Saturday to trick people in actually coming into the store and, perhaps, purchasing an album. If you’re like me, and I’m sure you are, you’re more sentimental about cassette tapes than records, but it’s worth giving it a looksie.

Get all the details on Record Store Day here.

If you are in the NY area, make sure to check these out:

• Regina Spektor is giving a free show at 1:00 p.m. in Brooklyn at Soundfix Records
• Go to Other Music in the East Village from 12:30-5:00 to see members of Tapes ’n Tapes, Black Keys, Deerhunter, Grizzly Bear and Interpol spin tunes.
• And don’t miss the Tapes ‘n Tapes gig later that night at the Music Hall of Williamsburg.

Sunday – 4/20
Get your mind out of the gutter! Well, since you’re already thinking about 420, might as well pick up your Snoop Dogg/311 tickets. The cannibus-encouraging duo will be playing at Coney Island on July 16. Yea, I’ve already got my tickets. They go on sale today…

In celebration of Earth Day on Tuesday, Central Park will be hosting a free concert. Go mingle with other environmentalists freaks and get your carbon offsetting on.

Not sure if you’ve heard, but the Pope is in town. He’ll be delivering a mass at Yankee stadium today, but there’s pretty much no chance in hell that you’re getting tickets. Instead, go drink at Stan’s Sports Bar and try to catch a glimpse of the man in white. Side note: if Benedict knows what’s good for him, he’ll go and bless the new stadium to reverse any possible hex that was placed on it. Just remember, Yankees fans have God on their side.

And This is Why You Never Go Into an Interview Unprepared.

I’ve always liked Christina Ricci but this brings my love for her to an entirely new level: http://gawker.com/5006192/christina-ricci-wishes-you-had-prepared-for-this-interview

Oh, Burn!!!

LaTroy Hawkins Gives the Fans Something Back: #21

I watched the Yankees-Red Sox game last night at Turtle Bay, a disgusting little bar on 52^nd and 2^nd that offers a “Wednesday Night Recession Special” where local drafts are only $1. Needless to say, by the time Yankees relief pitcher LaTroy Hawkins came in during the sixth inning, I had a few beers too many. In fact, I thought I was so drunk that I was seeing things: LaTroy Hawkins was wearing #22 on his uniform.

To those of my readers who are not avid sports fans, Hawkins started a huge controversy in the NY area when he decided to wear #21 to honor Roberto Clemente. #21 belonged to legendary Paul O’Neill, the beloved Yankees right-fielder who retired in 2001. Seven years later, #21 has not been retired but has also not been worn.

When Hawkins first ran out onto the field this season with #21 on his back, fans were horrified and appalled. They booed and chanted Paul O’Neill, as a subtle reminder to Hawkins that he’s playing in St. Paul’s house. O’Neill was cordial, saying he was appreciative of how many fans still associate that number with him but noted that it was weird to see another Yankee player wear it.

After a lot of negative press and surely, a lot of pressure, Hawkins switched his number last night to #22. Donning Roger Clemen’s old number (who misses him anyway?), the switch served him well: he pitched two scoreless innings and earned the win against the Red Sox. And that’s exactly how Paulie would have wanted it.

New Indiana Jones Movie Too Long? Daily Nuzzo's Stance: Not Long Enough.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, set to release this summer, is getting some negative publicity for the fact that it is 140 minutes long. Several reporters are asking if an action movie really needs to be two hours and 20 minutes long.

To be honest, I’m pretty upset that it’s only 140 minutes. How can Indiana Jones 4 be anything under three hours long??? We’ve been waiting for this movie for 19 goddamn years.

Harrison Ford ripped a beating heart out of a man’s chest on-screen, and we’re giving him shit about giving his audience non-stop action for 140 minutes?

Come on people, Mahatma: Life of Gandhi 1869 – 1948 was 330 minutes long and you don’t see film critics giving them crap! And nobody even liked that movie. Seriously.

To the Man With No Pants on the N train...

As if Craigslist Missed Connections (the godfather of legalized stalker sites) wasn’t enough to creep you out, there is now an entire Web site dedicated to finding that ‘total hottie’ you saw on the subway this morning. Behold – Subway Crush.

My favorite thing about these missed connections sites are how vacant and vague the postings always seem to be. It’s like they all share the same pathetic-borderline-pyschotic template:

Subject: To the hottie with the body on the E Train

Me – Black Jacket, Jeans and Sneakers.
You – Red hair, black coat, black boots.

Now, I never ever do this but I figured I’d give it a try! Saw you on the E train this morning and you were reading the paper. Not sure if you saw me, but I think you’re really fly. Email me back if you wanna grab drinks…or something else!!!!

If an online posting is not going to work, then I don’t know what is. Maybe next time you can actually approach this person and speak to them. Or, perhaps, mass transit is not the ideal place to meet a significant other. Call me old fashioned, but I still meet my men just the way I like them – 7 brewskies down and stumbling on the dance floor.

You Know You're Old When...

You still think that Kids in the Hall are funny. They’re back, bitches. And they’ve got a whole lot of head-crushing to do.

Years ago, my older brother took me to a live show of KITH when they went on tour in NYC. I was inappropriately young and blocked out the majority of their most vulgar (and most hysterical) skits, so I’m looking forward to it the second time around.

Get the dates of their new live shows here.

Nerd Proposes; Geek Girlfriend Accepts, Advances to Next Level

In Jersey City, New Jersey, which is almost as redundant as Iowa City, Iowa a nerd proposed to his girlfriend in the most dorkiest way possible – via computer game.

According to the AP, Bernie Peng reprogrammed his girlfriend’s favorite video game, "Bejeweled," so a ring and a marriage proposal would show up on the screen when she reached a certain score. She reached the score alright, and she said yes.

This is almost as bad as the classic “onion ring” proposal or the potentially embarrassing ice rink/baseball stadium/racecar speedway proposals that men often think women will enjoy.

Personally, I’ve only witnessed one marriage proposal – it took place at an underground gay bar on the outskirts of Boston after a burlesque performance. An overweight man with glasses took his overweight girlfriend, also wearing glasses, up onto the stage (which was still wet with sweat from the previous performance) and he got down on one knee and asked Big Bertha to marry him. She said yes, the topless burlesque dancer got back on stage and hugged them, and the fiancée fist-pumped to celebrate. It was the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen.

Which reminds me, I also scored a date that night with a straight guy that I met at said gay bar. Well, I think he was straight. He said he just liked to dance in a non-restrictive environment with his best guy friends…

Cool, This is So

I just celebrated my 2* th birthday (a true lady never discloses her age) by downing shots of Patron infused with coffee and eating 1.5 grilled cheese sandwiches at 5:30 a.m. in a Queens diner. Probably the most upscale birthday party I’ve had in a long time.

Anywho, while I had an amazing time this past weekend, I just wanted to call out all of my-so-called-friends for NOT baking me this cake. If any of you people truly knew me and what I really wanted for my b-day, you would have made me this:

Ashamed of yourselves, you all should be.

Baking Directions for Yoda Cake

Acronymic Ads are Confusing, Hysterical.

I was on my way to work this morning, walking down the street after my fiscally irresponsible indulgence at Starbucks, when I stopped dead in my tracks. An advertisement on a wooden placard was staring back at me, mocking me and my $3.50 cup of coffee. It read “OMFG.”

Now, I’m not down with the lingo that kids use these days, but I’m pretty sure that means “Orange Macchiato Frappachino Girl.” How did this ad know my gender and what beverage I ordered? Was it an oracle of sorts? And why did it feature two kids having sex in the background?

Upon further research, I learned that I was entirely wrong. It’s actually an advertisement for Gossip Girls. Judging from the ad, I think it’s a show about skanky teenage girls who like to gossip and make out in the back of cabs.

I was a bit disappointed when I found all this out, since I plan on ordering a White Tea Frappachino tomorrow and would have loved to see a billboard at 8:30 in the morning read WTF. LOL.

See the ads here.

Sox Shirt Saga...Part Deux

Okay, so we’ve dug up the shirt. It’s out of the new stadium and out of our minds. All of the Yankees’ problems are solved.

Costing a mere $50,000 to excavate an Ortiz jersey that was buried two feet below the surface, New York has its faith in humanity restored. We’re sending a strong message to our friends up in Boston: No construction worker can mess with our manifest destiny.

I’m just waiting to get my “Big Papi has no curse” tee shirt to replace my “Big Papi has no heart” shirt from the 2005 season. Because even I felt like a dirtbag wearing that one.

NY Post: A Yankee ‘Hex’Cavation (their headline, not mine)

Red Shirt + Cement Mix = Cruising for a Bruising

I’m highly skeptical about this, but the New York Post reported that a construction worker at the new Yankee stadium site deliberately buried a Red Sox shirt in the concrete foundation under what will become the visitors’ clubhouse.

The Boston fan hoped to curse the new home of the Yanks with this stunt and went and bragged about it to all the local papers.

So why are we withholding this man’s name?? And when I say man, I’m using the term very loosely. And since when does the NY Post use unnamed sources? And since when are they sympathetic to the plight of Red Sox fans?

I demand answers to these questions. Don’t think I won’t go to the Yankee Stadium construction site right now and identify the scoundrel myself. I know a liar and a cheater when I see him, and most of the time, he’s wearing a Red Sox cap and steel-toed boots.

Report: Worker tries to jinx Yanks with buried Red Sox shirt

We have better muscial taste than you

Beastie Boys & Q-Tip - “Get it Together”

This song makes me want to drink an entire bottle of brass monkey and swim in the East River. Well, that’s pretty normal actually.

Canine Gets Canned; Las Vegas to Rely on Slightly Less Furry, Less-Qualified Meteorologist

Little Jordan, the beloved 8-month-old lab puppy/chief weatherman, has mysteriously disappeared from his post at the illustrious Las Vegas news station, KVBC-TV. Little Jordan had been delivering the always-unpredictable Nevada weather news (hot and sunny today with little chance of rain) with his less-adorable, human co-star, John Fredericks.

According to an AP article, (yes, the Associated Press is reporting on this breaking news story) Little Jordan replaced Jordan, a golden retriever who died last summer and had served as the principal meteorologist for the station.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Are these dogs getting whacked so that greedy, selfish and non-canine John Fredericks can steal the spotlight? He issued a statement to dispel such murder rumors: “The dog was removed from the broadcast ... pending the resolution of contractual terms.”

However, Lisa Howfield, the station’s manager, is tooting a different tune: "It was John's choice to take the dog off the air," she said. "I would have liked us to keep the dog on the air."

First Jordan and now Little Jordan? What kind of maniac are you, John? You can’t just keep killing everything that gets in your way of obtaining a respectable position at a local news bureau. All we can do is pray that all dogs actually do in fact go to heaven.

Vegas Weather Dog In The Dog House

Daily Nuzzo Tells You What to Do - Weekend Edition

The Yankees take on the hated Red Sox this weekend, so if you’re lucky, you’ll be headed up to the Bean to take in the game at Fenway. If you’re like me, you’ll be stuck here. So here’s some other cool stuff to do:

Eat Cheap
One of my favorite places to eat is at Lodge in Williamsburg. The crowd is not too pretentious, the food is great, decent beer selection…and it’s pretty cheap by NYC standards. The interior looks like an upstate ski lodge sans grunting lumbermen in flannel shirts. You’ll only find hipsters in flannel shirts here.

Drink Cheap
After Lodge, walk down to 295 Grand Street to Larry Lawrence, a pretty well-hidden bar that bears no sign other than an ominous black door with the numbers 295 on it. Walk through this door, down the hall, and open the last door. Now breathe – you’re safe and your organs haven’t been stolen…yet. I really like the atmosphere in here and if you get the opportunity, talk to the shaggy haired-bartender. He looks like he’s high on LSD, but he actually is in finance. Go figure!

Shop
DSW is offering 20 percent-off coupons for all of their locations this weekend. So even if you live on the mid-coast, you can still get in on the savings for those new kicks.

Listen
Good thing you picked up those new dancing shoes - Hot Chip is playing at Terminal 5 on Saturday night.

Watch
Calling all you New Yorkers - the weekend forecast calls for more rain - so it’s the perfect opportunity to open up a 12-pack of Brooklyn Lager and catch up on all of those New York classic films that you’ve got on your cue. New York Magazine breaks down the best, including my personal favorite, Dog Day Afternoon.

Text Me a Drink
Now, instead of having to get off your ass and actually go out to celebrate your friends’ birthdays, you can just buy them a drink from the comfort of your couch. Belvedere Vodka created a Web site that allows you to send a drink code to your buddy’s phone or e-mail that they can redeem for free vodka. Looking at the list of participating bars in NY, only the seediest of pubs make the list. Which makes me wonder if this is all a scheme – it’s hard to imagine that these bars carry anything other than Moonshine and Don Diego so purchase with caution.

Et tu, Cops?

The New York Police Department will start random testing for steroid abuse among their underpaid/overworked officers. Apparently, some cops have been hitting the juice hard, which is not very shocking to me. Every time I ask a cop for directions or to arrest that man running away with my purse, they look at me with a blank stare and continue on with their conversation. Is gross indifference a common side effect of roids?

I disagree with this new measure. I think that steroids are beneficial, if not essential, for the NYPD to fulfill their civic duty – protecting Gotham from murderers, muggers and terrorist attacks all while looking super-ripped in those tight, navy blue outfits. Did I just write that out loud? Sorry, my mind wanders sometimes.

Police Department to Start Routinely Testing Officers for Steroid Use

Want Some Pancakes?

Normally I don't brag and/or boast on dailynuzzo, but I have to inform my readers of earth-shattering news. Prince is playing at the Coachella Music Festival on April 26. Yeah, that Prince. As in the artist formerly known as. And I'll be there. That is all.

Prince to Play Coachella

New Movie About Bush To Tell Americans Everything We Already Know

Oliver Stone is directing and producing a movie about the life of George W. Bush, Jr. No, it’s not an animated film along the likes of Finding Nemo so Bush’s fans can follow along. Instead, Stone describes it as "a fair, true portrait of the man that asks the question: how did Bush go from being an alcoholic bum to the most powerful figure in the world?"

Ingeniously titled W, the film will have a star-studded cast: Josh Brolin (of No Country for Old Men) will star as the W himself; Ellen Burstyn (the cracked-out old mom in Requiem for a Dream) will play Barbara Bush; and Elizabeth Banks (the lady who played Steve Carell’s girlfriend in 40-Year-Old Virgin) will star as Laura Bush. That all makes perfect sense to me.

If this is anything like Stone’s last movie, World Trade Center, I’ll leave the theater feeling utterly depressed that I wasted two hours of my life. But then again, it could be fun to see the transformation of Baby Bush – snorting cocaine off prostitutes’ butt cheeks, sneaking out of the armed forces – transform into Big Bad Bush, the current President of the Universe. If nothing else, this movie should really restore my faith in our democratic voting system.

Bush is depicted as foul-mouthed frat boy in new Oliver Stone movie

Daily Nuzzo is dangerous to my health

Blogitis. Inflamed blogoflex. Blog bite. Blogarrhea. Infectious blogopisia.

Call it what you will, but it all leads to the same thing: death! The NY Times recently revealed several “death by blogging” cases, where avid bloggers are dying right at the keyboard as they type furiously to get that one last posting in. Brian Lam, who is still alive and is the chief blogger for gizmodo.com, attributes his ability to escape death back to his Thai boxing days: “I’ve got a background getting punched in the face,” he said. “That’s why I’m good at this job.”

For those of us who don’t get punched in the face on a regular basis, it seems that blogging inevitably leads to an unjust, horrific death. But don’t get upset about missing that final post – you know, the post to end all posts - “goodbye suckers…I’ll see you all in hell!!!!” A new site, http://justincaseidie.com enables bloggers to send time-delayed messages to all of their friends, family and worst enemies after they die. So when you don’t log on to your computer or post to your blog for an extended period of time, the site will automatically send out all those posthumous messages that you’ve been dying (pun intended) to send while you were alive, but you just never had the balls.

So watch out for those “I never really loved you” or “you were the worst boss ever” or “I can’t believe you wore the same prom dress as me, you skank” emails in your inbox soon! It’s the ultimate bitch slap, unless of course it winds up in you spam folder.

NY Times Article – Writers Blog Till They Drop

We have better musical taste than you

Olivia’s finally back from her three-day gambling binge…her selection today is “Time to Pretend” by MGMT.

MGMT’s upcoming shows:

• Coachella Music Festival, Indio, CA – April 26
• Late Night With Conan O’Brien, New York – May 15 at 11:00 p.m.
• Lollapalooza, Chicago – August 1

Dear Daily Nuzzo

Dear Daily Nuzzo,

I'm pretty sure my father doesn't love me. Yesterday he called me a crybaby asshole. Last week when I lost something, he asked me if I ate it. What can I do to win my father's love?

-Anonymous

Dear Crybaby,

It seems to me that you may, in fact, be a crybaby. Why are you asking Daily Nuzzo for advice about serious family issues? I suggest you seek professional help for these kinds of matters, as I am in no way, shape or form certified to answer these deeply emotional questions.

Now that I’ve gotten the legal mumbo jumbo out of the way, here is what I would do. I would run away and/or fake your own death. If your dad cries at the funeral, there is a good chance the he liked you. He may have even loved you. If he doesn’t show up or dances on your grave, then there’s your answer.

This may seem harsh, but in my opinion, is the only surefire way to find out if he really loves you or not. Or you could just ask him, but that’s less fun.

Need advice and have run out of options? Send all your questions on life to dailynuzzo@gmail.com and you may get the answer you’ve been looking for.

My New Year's Resolution

This year, I decided to make a somewhat reasonable new year’s resolution. No more “go to the gym more” or “drink less” or “save up more money for bail” in 2007. Instead, I vowed to not eat hot dogs unless I was at a baseball game. Now, most people wouldn’t consider this a resolution at all, since most people don’t eat hot dogs on a monthly, weekly, or even a daily basis. But I’m not most people.

So far, I’ve had unbelievable success. Sure, there was that time on St. Patrick’s Day when I inhaled two hot dogs in under 45 seconds, but that was a means of survival. Could you really expect me to drink for 10 hours straight without eating a vital protein/carbohydrate combo?

So Friday night was the big night. The night I was finally allowed to eat a guilt-free hot dog at Yankee stadium. I’m just posting this to say that it was probably the most unbelievably delicious hot dog I ever encountered. Perhaps it was the fact that I didn’t pay for it, but I enjoyed it so much that I decided to eat another hot dog the next day. At Nathan’s Original on Coney Island. While this might be out of my New Year’s guidelines, who can pass up a chance to chow down on an All-American icon while strolling the boardwalk and drinking Russian vodka out of a Sprite bottle? I consider it a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, even though I’ll most likely do it again next weekend.

So what were your new year’s resolutions? And did you stick with them? Knowing my readers, I’d venture to guess that you didn’t. Prove me wrong.

Oh Lenore – Just One Time More

Okay, so even though I vowed never to write about her on this blog again (see my first post), Lenore Skenazy has finally published her widely-criticized article about letting her son find his way home from a crowded department store on the other side of Manhattan. She claims that her son is 9 years old (not 5 as I had reported) and not only did she give him a subway map, metrocard and $20, but she ALSO gave him quarters. Why? Did she want him to do the laundry while he was at it? Of course not! The quarters were distributed in case he needed to make a call. He’d then have to find a payphone and most likely, learn how to use it. According to Lenore, she didn’t give him her cellphone since she “didn’t want to lose it.”

It seems that she’s implying that she was pretty certain that her child would get lost and never return, since she seemed pretty damn sure that if she gave up her cell phone it wouldn’t make it back. I mean, I’d be more concerned about losing my son than losing a cell phone, but who knows? Maybe it was an iPhone.

Read the article if you must. I loathe Lenore even more than I ever have before (wow) for her burn on Queens at the end. Seriously Lenore, you’re dead to me.

Why I Let My 9-Year-Old Ride the Subway Alone

It's Going Down, Brah

The Daily Nuzzo Weekend Guide
If you’re like me, and most of you probably are, you have tickets to tonight’s Yankees game. Considering it’s been pouring for the past ten hours, I’d put a heavy wager down that the game will be rained out. So in that case, here’s some other options for tonight and this weekend.

Friday
Watch some heavily-tattooed MMA fighters duke it out in the International Fight League “New Blood, New Battles” fight tonight at 7:30 at the Izod Center in New Jersey. Seeing these men up close is almost as terrifying as their stage names – “The Polish Hammer,” “The Janitor,” “Miltary” – need I list more? You can purchase tickets here.

Saturday
Wanna get wasted? And dance like an idiot? Then head to Galapagos Art Space in Williamsburg, Brooklyn on Saturday night. $5 will get you in and you’ll enjoy free shots of absinthe all night. It tastes like engine coolant but as Samuel L. Jackson would say, “it will get you drrrruuunkkk.”

Sunday
Catch the Cool Kids on Sunday night at 8:00 p.m. at S.O.B.’s (Varick and Houston Streets). This is the first Manhattan show for the Chicago rap duo, and they’re likely to blow up, being named one of the top 10 bands to watch in 2008 by Rolling Stone Magazine.




Culturize Yourself, Bitches
The Orchid Show at the NY Botanical Garden is closing on Sunday, so this is your last chance to see some bomb ass orchids.

Everyone’s talking about it. The Takashi Murakami exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum of Art. Complete with a pop-up Louis Vuitton store in the lobby, it’s more of a commercial for the Japanese art star than an actual art installation, but if you like Gwen Stefani’s Harajuku Girls clothing line and art from the land of the rising sun, this is right up your alley.

Enjoy!

We have better musical taste than you

Today's selection comes from the White Rabbits - "Kid On My Shoulders." I saw this band a few weeks ago and they were great, despite being billed as the opener. I highly recommend going out to see them if you get a chance.

Upcoming shows

Business Matters

So boss man told me a really interesting story today about how he once represented a NY cement-mixing company (red flag) and how he was forced to endure frequent “business” trips to a restaurant in Brooklyn (another red flag). He described the restaurant as “the kind that is located downstairs in a cellar shared with several crates of miscellaneous items, most of them illegal, and was guarded by a large black man named Theo.” Anyway, said boss was assigned to write a Q&A on the “chief” of the cement company and his future plans for business growth. So of course, the first question he asked was: “So, when it crossed the wire the other day that you are going to knock-off Little Tony in Red Hook, what exactly did you mean by that?”

Now that’s what I call PR. Those were the good ol’ days.

Olive Fruit Flies: Good or Bad?

Don’t you hate it when those pesky fruit flies attack your expansive collection of olive trees? I know I do. That’s why I’m not too peeved that the U.S. government spent $211,509 last year on olive fruit fly research in Paris, France. However, I guess the Citizens Against Government Waste group members don’t enjoy olives in their martinis as much as I do. They included this pork barrel expenditure in their 2008 Congressional Pig Book, available online now.

The report provides details on thousands of government pet-projects across the country. New York Rep. Charles Rangel of Harlem received the highly-coveted “Narcissist Award” for his $2 million investment towards a City College center, which will don his own name.

But don’t feel left out, Hawaii and Alaska, because you’re finally included, even if it’s not in a geographical sense. You both had the highest “pork” per capita when it comes to needless spending.

Personally, I don’t really see what all the fuss is about. We need this kind of research. Who can argue with spending $460,752 on hops research? With the economy going the way it is, all the U.S. might have left are our pest-free olives and hoppy beer. Think about it people.

CAGW’s 2008 Pig Book Digs Up $17.2 Billion in Pork

Rangel Earns a ‘Narcissist Award’ From Pork Barrel Critics

Its Not Me...It's My Location

Using data from the U.S. Census Bureau, some guy dedicated a few months of his life to mapping out the single male-to-female ratio in several major U.S. cities. His conclusion: guys love to live where it’s warm and sunny. Girls do not. Instead, they prefer to live far, far away on the east coast, where the winters are unbearably cold and the summers are painstakingly hot.

Looking at this data, I’ve concluded that I’m up against 210,000 other single NY girls in the fight for a decent boyfriend. However, if I lived in California, I could technically have my pick of nearly 90,000 single men. Factoring out the gays and the uglies, that’s at least 40,000 guys to choose from. Knowing me, I’d still complain that there isn’t anyone who really “gets me,” but I sure as hell wouldn’t be having lean cuisine for dinner tonight.

Looking for a Man? Move to the West Coast

We like to Pii

I'm speechless.

We have better musical taste than you

Today’s selection was chosen by me, since Olivia is too busy gambling her savings away with her co-workers at Mohegan Sun. You can still field all complaints to her though.

Tokyo Police Club – “Box”

Making You an Offer You Can’t Refuse

Looking for a job? Well, I hear Newsweek is hiring…

The publication offered buyouts to 146 employees last week. And 111 disgruntled employees took them up on that offer, cashing out on up to two years of their salary and health benefits. In order to keep the print wheels rolling, Newsweek will now have to replace their depleted editorial staff, mainly with new hires.

I wonder if they are looking for a full-time blogger…

Over 100 Staffers Leave Newsweek

For Skanks and Saints Alike

Hey Ladies! Are you tired of men staring down your chest when you wear low-cut blouses with plunging necklines? Sick of men whistling at you when you walk down the street in a tube top and pencil skirt? Well, have I got the thing for you – the Winkee!

According to their Web site, the Winkee lets you “go from the boardroom to bodacious, without changing clothes.” It will also increase the productivity of men (or women!) around the office!

It’s simple! Just study this complex instruction page and you’ll soon realize that the Winkee is just a pair of underwear twisted around your bra! And the photo shows a lady wearing a Winkee while praying in church…in church! Well, if God endorses it, than so do I.

The perfect gift for all of your skanky friends!

American Apparel Rips Off Woody Allen, Consumers

Woody Allen is suing American Apparel. And not because they sell socks for $12. Apparently, the company used an image of Woody dressed as a rabbi for his film, “Annie Hall,” in their billboard advertising without his consent. He’s now suing for a cool $10 mil.

As Alvy Singer would say, “I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics.” Or American Apparel for that matter.

Woody Allen sues clothing maker for $10 million

Video of Man's Greatest Disappointments Leads to Victory, sorta

Joe Girardi sure knows how to run a team. He also knows how to work a VCR. In a profile piece in today’s NY Times, Girardi discussed the cunning tactics he used to prepare his team for the season home opener:

“Before Girardi spoke to the team Saturday, he showed a seven-minute videotape. The tape opened with the last game the Yankees played, a 6-4 loss to the Cleveland Indians in the 2007 American League division series. The current Yankees watched Jorge Posada strike out for the final out and then watched the camera shift from one glum Yankee to the next…The tape then showed a scene from “We Are Marshall,” a movie about how the Marshall University football team responded after 75 players and coaches died in a 1970 plane crash. Girardi also included a clip of an American soldier who had lost his eyesight in combat in Iraq speaking to the 2004 United States Olympic basketball team. Despite his accident, the soldier fought to stay in the Army. Girardi said the Yankees were captivated.”

I’d be captivated too if you subjected me to a film where 75 people die and a young man loses an eye within the first seven minutes of footage. Thankfully, fear tactics work with this ball club, as the Yanks won their home opener over the Blue Jays, 3-2.

Girardi Gets an Early Start With the Yanks, a Day Early

We have better musical taste than you

Olivia's pick of the day:
"Hang Them All" by Tapes N' Tapes

Upcoming Shows:
FILLMORE-IRVING PLAZA – April 18 at 8:00 p.m.
MUSIC HALL of WILLIAMSBURG - April 19 at 8:00 p.m.

Reporter analyzes social implications of a mustache; gets drunk on company’s dime

Justin Rocket Silverman is the Carl Bernstein of our generation. His expose in today’s New York Post is a sure bet for the 2008 Pulitzer Prize for investigative journalism. His topic: the sexual appeal of a man with a mustache.

After painstaking research on the topic and growing out his own facial hair, which I’d venture to say took a solid 3 months, Silverman captures his audience with colorful and thought-provoking dialogue, best exemplified by his description of his first joy ride with his newly groomed mustache: “rolling with my boys, we pulled up next to a carfull of serious cuties;” and his description of a woman who rejected him at a bar: “she was a serious hottie.”

But his journalistic excellence really shines through in the accompanying video. Footage that will surely end up in our nation’s capital as a testament to true American journalism during the 21^st century. Silverman goes out on the streets, asking the commoners and plebes before him for their insight on the issue, by asking “what do you think of my mustache?”

Surprisingly, most New Yorkers who Silverman approached on the street didn’t tell him that he looked like a complete asshole. In fact, most complimented him, stating that the ‘stache complemented his facial features. This forces me to believe that there was a whole lot of editing done to this video.

Man grows mustache...or mustache grows man?

Earth Today, Mars 2014

Virgin Group and Google are teaming up to start a human colony on Mars in 2014. Yes, Mars, like the planet and not the delicious candy bar. I find it highly suspicious that they sent out a press release today, on April Fools, but then again, it is Google and they can do whatever the hell they want.

According to Larry Page, co-founder of Google, “we feel that ensuring the survival of the human race by helping it colonize a new planet is both a moral good in and of itself and also the most likely method of ensuring the survival of our best – okay, fine, only -- base of web search volume and advertising inventory,” Page added. “So, you know, it's, like, win-win."

Think you’d like to live in Virgle City, where the planet is run by two mammoth media companies? Sounds pretty similar to Earth, now that I think about. Take this somewhat inappropriate survey to find out if you make the cut for Mars. Apparently, I am not cut out for extraterrestrial voyages, due to the fact that I am “distressingly normal” by Google’s standards. If that's not a slap in the face than I don't know what is.

Live on Mars...for free!